Mother, I'm sorry.
I shut my door.
Father, I'll miss you
I hold a bottle.
Forgive me.
I twist the lock.
Goodbye.
And I'm gone.
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138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Holy shit what a good poem. So vague, so ambiguous, I love it. You have to write more. You HAVE to. A cash in if you want. I don't care if it is shit or anything; if the next thing you write is as thoughtful and a beautiful as this one I'll just stop writing altogether. Because I know I won't be able to match your structure and your way with words. Long live dark and brooding poetry!
Hello, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Here we Go! This is petty short, so it'll be fast.
*The last line really isn't needed at all. You can't actually narrate your death in real life, so I think that it would add a lot to this poem if you just ended it when you say "goodbye".
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So this is a suicide poem, correct?
It seems too formal.
When you say "mother" and "father", it sort of ruins the abruptness of the ending, and the overall idea of final death. I would suggest that you change it to "Mom" and "dad", in this poem. It doesn't seem so cold and emotionless, and adds a sort of mood to the poem because it makes the reader feel like the subject actually has an emotional connection to their parents.
Other than that, this was actually pretty good!
Nice job!
Keep Writing!
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-Jojo
There's a lot missing. A lot of questions that someone can ask about the person in this poem. But, then again.. I feel like that's the point. It's not who, or how exactly. It's not why, it's that. It's a feeling. An action. Capturing that moment in a person, where escape is the only option. And in that fearless but nervous moment where one would twist the lock, there's a powerful silent burst of emotion that comes from these simple words. You captured a small moment, a quick action, a dreadful thought, and a burst of feelings that all take place in a moment. Words to describe a seconds worth of thoughts, actions and movements that all amount to one thing. There may be many that see nothing but words, or suicide written in his piece, but I see plenty. And hopefully what I see is what you went for. Keep up the good work!