To my ex girlfriend, may she rest in peace.
And she cries.
She cries
As the rain falls down across her face.
She dreams
Of sunlight
But she can only see that
Clouds are in her way.
And she cries.
And she cries.
A lonely heart lost amoung the waves.
Another stitch
Another cut.
Another weapon used
For self-abuse, yeah.
Morning often comes too soon.
The music comes to a close.
It's the parting words where we wish we said the most.
And she cries.
She cries
As the rain falls down across her face.
She dreams
Of sunlight
But she can only see that
Clouds are in her way.
And she cries.
And she cries.
A lonely heart lost amoung the waves.
A sliver.
A slice.
It never feels quite nice.
Like she can win.
Final act, epilogue, and fin.
The music comes to a close.
It's the parting words we wish we'd said the most.
And she cries.
She cries
As the rain falls down across her face.
She dreams
Of sunlight
But she can only see that
Clouds are in her way.
And she cries.
And she cries.
A broken heart lost amoung the waves.
Could you save her?
Some comfort that would be.
Could you blame her?
Angry tears aren't what I need.
When morning comes
And her body's found,
I'll be gone.
Gone.
The music comes to a close.
It's the parting words
We wish
We'd said
The most.
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140,774 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello there.
It felt much like a song rather than a poem. I'm not saying that it should be in the lyric section and stuff but I just felt that it's much like a song. The flow was really good but it was not flawless. It had flaws but they were less. xD You see its hard to produce a poem with a perfect flow. I always struggle with flows. It’s really very tough. So what I wanted to say was that the flow was off at a few places but then also it did not ruin anything.
Starting a poem with the word ‘and’, eh? Interesting! The poems flow went off right the third line itself. The line being a little long as the usual lines was the major thing that made the flow go off but again it was perfect from the next line itself. In the third line you could used a much better word than ‘falls’. It didn’t sound bad but anything better could have worked. And then in the last line, I think you wanted to write ‘among’.
I have to agree with the other reviewers that the ‘yeah’ did sound a bit weird. I could not much relate the last line “Morning often comes too soon.” to the previous things which you mentioned in the stanzas above. And the two lines in a different stanza, the flow went totally off because of them but the meaning of the two lines was awesome. Loved those lines.
The second line over here got me a little confused. What is it suppose to mean? Did you wanted to say that to save her by providing her some comfort? And what do you mean by “I’ll be gone.”? Anyhow, this stanza was the best one.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:
You know, i just went through this, and as i went through this, i sang it. This poem is PERFECT for a song. Really. Which means dont change anything, or it will screw up. It may be flawed, but its perfect. Perfect.
Hey there! I'll be your reviewer today.
I am not doubting the message in your poem, but although the flow is quite nice, the stanzas are not really connected together. I'll go through the technical things first before I go onto the message and other things.
I think it's "among" you want to write here, not "amoung".
The "yeah" here feels a bit weird. If you're going to make the whole poem a mourning one, and all the language is rather formal, don't add in any other elements that may or may not ruin the whole atmosphere of the stanza. Because of the "yeah" here, "Morning often comes too soon" feels out of place and not fully connected to the stanza.
This is what I think is the Achilles' heel of your poem. We don't know if you meant it to rhyme or not. People, if they are born with sound or the gift of speech or language, will always unconsciously find out rhymes and rhythm. If you have a stanza that doesn't fully rhyme, it's still fine by most people. But since this poem is in free verse, it just wouldn't do, you see.
Quite pretty this stanza, but what do you mean by "you'll be gone"?
The emotion, as my reviewer said up there, is very strong; but the language is not strong enough. It's like eating a loaf of bread - would you like eating a slice of plain bread, or another slice garnished with your favourite sauce? This poem in itself is pretty good, but I feel as if you could do more with it. Keep writing and if you have any questions, just drop by and leave a message on my profile or PM me!
-Iceprincess.
I like the flow very much, clearly the emotion is very Strong . but "For self-abuse, yeah.
Morning often comes too soon." yeah!!! not in perfect place.... i mean you are not rapping, do you?
either than that i's good , well done!
Keep up