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12+ Violence

bloodlust

by nykolasandrews


too many nights have been spent
in front of this screen
scrawling the ramblings of my distressed heart

too many broken metaphors
written and rewritten and rewritten
too many words lost

i've scrapped more words than i've kept
but there's much i want to say that
it all just gets jumbled up in my head

the incessant chatter in my mind
keeps me up at night
i've been running on fumes for years

i have been mutilating my thoughts
trying to dress them up in a nice story
at the cost of honesty and my own vindication

in these countless nights i've wasted
wondering if i even cross your mind,
i've never once wanted revenge

i'm no longer content with
withering in front of my screen
i want you to feel the pain you've inflicted upon me

now, i have an unquenchable thirst for blood
i'm becoming something i don't recognize
and i wonder if you realize the monster you've created

i can feel the bloodlust
pumping through my veins,
and i won't rest until your head is on a platter


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32 Reviews


Points: 1860
Reviews: 32

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Sun May 31, 2020 12:57 am
EthanHoover wrote a review...



Image

Hello Nykolas! Ethan here for a review, brought to you by the gloriously earthy Team Raw Umber.

Wow, a very emotional poem here, I loved it! A very interesting theme, and you did a good job bringing all the feeling out into the open where we can see it. It was well written, and it flows well too. The only grammar thing I noticed was that you didn't capitalize the "I"s. Also, normally the first letter of each line would be capitalized, but if that's a stylistic choice it's all good.

So all in all a fantastic piece! I really enjoyed reading it, and I hope to see more of your writing soon. Keep up the good work!

--Ethan, captain of Team Raw Umber




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26 Reviews


Points: 2580
Reviews: 26

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Tue May 19, 2020 4:12 am
AtlasW wrote a review...



Hi, nykolasandrews! I'm Atlas, and I'm stopping by to give your poem, bloodlust a quick review. I haven't done this in a while, so sorry if I'm a bit rusty. Also, I want to remind you that any statements I make about your piece are purely my own, and I don't mean to offend you in any way (please tell me if I do so we can make things right!) I also want to make it clear that all of the statements I make regarding your piece are nothing more than suggestions, so feel free to take all, or none, of them into account if you choose to edit your poem. Anyway, let's get to it!

I really liked the premise behind your poem. I feel like a lot of people can relate to using writing as a coping mechanism in such a way. I know I can. I also loved the figurative language and imagery you used to relay your point. The flow of this piece is great, too.

Of course, the poem being written entirely in lowercase letters is a stylistic choice, so I won't comment on that (I am actually quite fond of writing poems like this. I think it adds a sense of intimacy you can't quite get with proper capitalization, if that makes sense.), but I did notice a few grammatical errors in regard to your punctuation, as well as an instance or two where things got just a tad redundant. (These are all suggestions, by the way! Feel free to disregard them if you want. I like to say that my edits are a reflection on how I would have formatted or written the piece.)

Spoiler! :
too many nights have been spent
in front of this screen
scrawling the ramblings of my distressed heart

too many broken metaphors
written and rewritten and rewritten (while I can see where you are coming from with the repetition of the words "and rewritten," I feel like it stops the flow of the piece, making the stanza a bit clunky.)
too many words lost

i've scrapped more words than i've kept,
but there's much i want to say that
it all just gets jumbled up in my head

the incessant chatter in my mind
keeps me up at night
i've been running on fumes for years

i have been mutilating my thoughts
trying to dress them up in a nice story
at the cost of honesty and my own vindication

in these countless nights i've wasted,
wondering if i even cross your mind,
i've never once wanted revenge

i'm no longer content with
withering in front of my screen
i want you to feel the pain you've inflicted upon me

now, i have an unquenchable thirst for blood
i'm becoming something i don't recognize,
and i wonder if you realize the monster you've created

i can feel the bloodlust
pumping through my veins,
and i won't rest until your head is on a platter


The last glaring issue I noticed with this piece is that it seemed to transition from concept to concept just a tiny bit too abruptly. I think that the lines, ...at the cost of honesty and my own vindication... and [i]...in these countless nights i've wasted//wondering if i even cross your mind,//i've never once wanted revenge...[/] need some sort of a transitional stanza that can provide a bit of a backstory about the individual the narrator is referring to.

Again, I want to congratulate you on writing such a great poem! The figurative language and the flow of the piece was stellar, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Thanks again, and happy writing!
~Atlas




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Points: 9
Reviews: 67

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Sat May 16, 2020 10:41 am
brookeallo wrote a review...



From the first stanza I was like I completely understand the feeling. Writing is something that i use to clear my mind too. The poem describes what its like to have so much going on in your head and wanting to write it down. The line Ive been running on fumes for years is so deep and relatable. I really enjoyed how well the poem flowed and the word choice and the consistency. Near the end you could definetly feel hatred for a certain person and what its like to want to get revenge on someone who hurt you. If i were to critique/ give advice on anything I would say that the "I" isn't capitalized in many lines. Theres also some commas used but not enough for the punctuation to be exactly right. The feelings/ structure is there and its really good. I would also say that the ending is very abrupt and sudden and might sound better if it slowly flows into it. Thanks for writing I hope to review more from you soon




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Points: 9
Reviews: 67

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Sat May 16, 2020 10:40 am
brookeallo says...



From the first stanza I was like I completely understand the feeling. Writing is something that i use to clear my mind too. The poem describes what its like to have so much going on in your head and wanting to write it down. The line Ive been running on fumes for years is so deep and relatable. I really enjoyed how well the poem flowed and the word choice and the consistency. Near the end you could definetly feel hatred for a certain person and what its like to want to get revenge on someone who hurt you. If i were to critique/ give advice on anything I would say that the "I" isn't capitalized in many lines. Theres also some commas used but not enough for the punctuation to be exactly right. The feelings/ structure is there and its really good. I would also say that the ending is very abrupt and sudden and might sound better if it slowly flows into it. Thanks for writing I hope to review more from you soon




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20 Reviews


Points: 1604
Reviews: 20

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Sat May 16, 2020 7:17 am
nykolasandrews says...



If the formatting looks off, please let me know! Thanks! It’s in stanzas on my iPad, but if it’s all just single spaced for you, let me know!





A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.
— Paul Simon