Vent Time

One of the hardest things to do in this world is to fall in love with another person, and I know that I’ve said this many times before, but I don’t think I can ever express this enough. No amount of words could express how much it hurts, and I know I’m ‘not old enough to know what love is,’ but I don’t how else to simplify what I’m feeling into a few short words.

“I want you to know that I have strong, indescribable feelings for you that I can’t call love because I’m too young to know what that is.”

Maybe I’m the only one who can barely say “I want you to know I love you” without feeling like I’m literally about to fall out of my skin, like I want to crawl in a hole and die because each second I spend waiting for an answer to see if they feel the same is like… I don’t actually know what it’s like because I’ve never said that and needed to wait and see if he felt the same. He never did, and he never will.

I just want to take a moment here to acknowledge the fact that feeling like this isn’t cute. It’s not fucking cute or romantic or poetic. You can try to dress it up however you like, but the fact of the matter is that it’s absolutely fucking pitiful, or at least that’s what it feels like. And to anyone who thinks that it’s cute or something like that, let me show you the reality of the situation.

You wake up, and oops, there you go thinking about them again, which triggers your breath to immediately hitch because you wanna cry. Every time you wake up, you have to realize that all of the feelings you’ve been having aren't. But hey, at least you aren’t dreaming about them. At least you get a break sometimes… You know, when you can finally sleep, but that comes later in your schedule! So on you go with your day, laying in bed, talking to them, being awkward as hell, browsing the internet, trying to find something else to take your mind off of the feelings because you wanna talk about your feelings to try and get the anvil off of your chest, but you can’t. You can’t [insert hobby here] anymore because you can’t seem to think about anything but them. The best you’re good for is a vent piece, usually about them. But who cares about your feelings and problems? You don’t even care anymore because the daily routine is starting to grow on you, and you’re scared to try and change it. You don’t want to mess up the little things that keep you going everyday. They’re all you’ve got anymore. Eventually there comes a point when you and the one you long for can’t talk anymore. You know they’re going to come back even if you feel like it won’t because you guys are great friends… Friends. That word lingers in your head for a while every day you hear it because you know it’s all you’re ever going to fucking be. Friends. Well, at least you got that courtesy. Not like you fucking deserve it either way. You don’t even deserve to know them, but mistakes happen. Like you. But your feelings on that are usually only on a weekly basis. And so you’re left with nothing but your thoughts, the internet, and more often than not, your one friend who knows the majority of the details and hates their guts, but you still tell them everything because you don’t know if anyone else will listen and understand like they do, and you can’t handle all of the feelings being pent up inside of you even though you’re sure you annoy them too. Eventually, you just check to see if the one you long for is online, and if they’re not, you frown, kind of wanting to know what they’re doing, but not wanting to ask. If they are, you try fight the urge to message them, usually failing. Eventually, you get hungry. Your stomach grumbles, and you groan. You know you’re hungry, but you also know that eating is becoming one of those things you know you need to do, but you never want to do. Like a chore. One major difference, though, being eventually you’ll die if you don’t eat. Maybe that’s the reason they don’t want you. Because you’re so damn fat. But it hurts too much to not eat. So you go looking for something to stop your stomach from making noises and causing you more pain. All there is a bunch of stuff you either don’t eat or don’t want to eat because you’ve been eating the same stuff for a long time. You’re sick of the same routine every fucking day. But whatever. You don’t want to mess up the little things that keep you going everyday. They’re all you’ve got anymore. It’s all you’ve got. Hours later, and now it’s time to try and sleep! If you’re talking to someone, you tell them you have to go before laying down and closing your eyes, thinking of nothing in the world… except them. Surprise, surprise. So you spend somewhere between twenty minutes and two hours trying to shut off your mind. Oh, shit. No break this time. This time you get to dream about them, and you’ll usually wake up crying because if it’s a bad dream, you get worried, but if it’s a good dream, that’s all it was; a dream...

Imagine that, and tell me if you still think it’s cute.