Bill, 2020
It started in Paris, under the Eiffel Tower of all places. That red hair gleamed in the setting sun, barely tamed just like hers had been all those years ago. It was a coincidence, I thought at first. Had to be, right? But then I noticed the woman’s clothes—her favorite green striped sweater paired with faded bell bottoms. Now, I was no expert on women’s fashion, but I hadn’t seen green striped sweaters or bell bottoms making a comeback lately. It didn’t make any sense, but that didn’t stop me from following the woman along the streets of Paris, forgetting at the time how creepy that must’ve seemed to anyone who was paying attention.
I followed her to a café, where she sat flipping through a book, seemingly the only person not on a smartphone. I looked at her more closely, fiddling with the engagement ring that I now wore around my neck. Forty-seven years ago, I had given it to a woman who looked just like the woman in the café. It can’t be her, I tried to reason with myself, but reason seemed to fade in my mind like the sun faded over the scene outside the more I looked at her.
I reached for the fancy digital camera that my son had bought me for the trip. Maybe its super-megapixels and magical zoom features would catch something to prove to me that this was just some look-alike. Wait, you’re going to pull out a camera and take a picture of a young lady just minding her own business? That doesn’t sound like a creepy old man at all. I laughed at the absurdity of it. I bet Lisa would have found it all amusing if she was here, watching me chase some poor doppelganger of hers through the streets of Paris. I left the café and headed back toward my hotel. For some reason, I turned back to see the woman behind me. By the time I reached my hotel, night had completely fallen over Paris, and the red-haired woman had vanished with the sun.
Lisa, 1969
I saw the man again in Barcelona, near the dragon statue at the Park Güell. The same man from the café in Paris. I’d caught him trying not to stare. It was hardly the first time a man had stared at me or catcalled me or tried to grope me. Such is the joy of being young and pretty out in the world. But I wanted to see it anyway. Yes, despite the danger. Despite the fact that America is at war and in turmoil. My mother protested me using what should have been tuition money to take this trip, but I’m an adult now and colleges aren’t going anywhere. I’ve literally dreamt of this trip for years, waking up from strolling the streets of Rome or hiking the Andes only to realize I was still in my bed in my nice little suburban town. I’ll settle down some day, find a husband and raise a family in my own nice suburban house like my mother did. But I want to see what else is out there instead of just imagining.
The man and I lock eyes for all of three seconds. I have an impulse to push through the crowd and ask him what he wants, but before I get the chance, dusk turns to night and he disappears. I turn my attention to a street vendor hawking cheap scarves and buy a green one to go with my favorite sweater. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll see that man again.
Bill, 2020
It happened all throughout Europe—Barcelona, London, Rome. All the same woman with the green sweater that looked just like Lisa’s. If it happened again, I decided, I would abandon propriety and do my damndest to get a picture of this woman. I got my chance in Athens atop the Acropolis. Among the throngs of tourists all concentrating on their own photos of the monuments, no one noticed that my camera had a slightly different focus.
I caught her again on other continents, too. Istanbul, the Pyramids at Giza, the Great Wall of China. After a particularly long and confusing day in Tokyo, getting lost amidst the city noise and brightly-lit signs I had no hope of being able to read, I saw her again and did my best to discreetly snap another picture. As I lay in my hotel room that night, I zoomed in on the pictures the best I could. At that point, I realized that these couldn’t be lookalikes. I knew that face, had loved that face and the woman behind it for nearly half a century.
Forty-five years ago, we were married. Three years ago, I buried her with a heavy heart and an unusual promise to keep. When the cancer came back, when the doctor had said it was pointless to continue treatment, she’d handed me a list of places.
“What is this, Lisa? A bucket list?”
“Sort of,” she smiled. “You know how I’d spent all that time travelling after college, before I met you and settled down?” I nodded. “Well, I’d always wanted to go back to those places with you once we were retired empty-nesters. It’s why I was always a saver. But now…” her voice wavered, and she leaned onto my shoulder with tears in her eyes.
“Do you want to go now? We wouldn’t have time or money for all of them, but maybe…”
“No, no. It wouldn’t work, anyway. I want you to have this list and go without me. I want you to see the same places I got to. You’ve barely left this state, honey.”
“Well there was spring break in Cancun back in the day,” I laughed. She just glared at me.
“That’s my point. You need to get out there, explore the world while you still have your health. Hell, you can even take me with you.” She reached for her left hand and pulled off her engagement ring. “There. Now I can be there with you in spirit or watch over you like a guardian angel or whatever other kind of metaphysical crap you want to believe.” I took the ring and slipped it into my pocket.
Neither one of us were particularly religious, though she’d been into tarot cards and psychics and stuff like that when she was younger. One day shortly after our son was born she’d decided it was all a bunch of hooey once and for all. I’d asked her what changed her mind, but she simply shrugged and responded that she hadn’t gotten the answers she was looking for.
A few days after our first conversation about the trip, she handed me a sealed letter.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“A parting gift, to be read after you reach Antarctica for me,” she replied.
“Antarctica? That wasn’t on the list. Did you go there, too?”
“Only continent I never made it to. I want you to go for me. Make it the last place you go on your trip, and don’t open up the letter until you get there.”
In Tokyo, I grabbed the envelope that contained the precious letter. Maybe I should read it now, in case it gets lost or stolen. The thought was tempting, but I had to keep the letter sealed. Maybe I drank too much sometimes, maybe I’d taken my wife for granted a little too much before the cancer showed up, but I was not a man who went around breaking promises, and I didn’t intend to start now.
I kept traveling through Asia and Australia, seeing the woman in every city. Was it a ghost? Could ghosts even show up in photographs? She looked just as solid as the other passerby, but I never got close enough to know for sure. I spent a few days relaxing in Hawaii before heading to Central and South America on my way down to Antarctica.
At Machu Picchu, my luck finally changed. I was with a tour group, and around sunset, I’d noticed that the red-haired woman was in our group. It seemed strange since I hadn’t seen her earlier, but this was my chance to finally try to talk to her and figure out if this was all just some crazy coincidence or what. I went up to her, trying to figure out what to say. Excuse me, you look just like my dead wife from forty years ago? I finally settled on asking her name.
“Excuse me, are you Lisa?” She furrowed her brow, just like Lisa always had when she was confused. Her mouth dropped open, and she seemed to say something back, but I couldn’t hear it, even though the night was quiet and she was right in front of me. I shrugged and tried to motion that I couldn’t hear her, but I didn’t know if she understood.
I repeated my question, asking if she was Lisa. She still seemed confused, but this time she reached out and grabbed my hand. It felt real, as real as it did on our first date, our wedding day, and those last days in hospice care. I didn’t know what this was, but I didn’t think ghosts were supposed to feel that solid. Then the sun disappeared over the Andes, and she was gone.
Lisa, 1971
Bill has seemed familiar from the moment I met him, but I couldn’t put a finger on it until today. We were walking around the park enjoying the autumn leaves when we sat down by a bench and he grasped both my hands.
“I love you, Lisa.” His deep brown eyes stared into mine, and suddenly I was transported to another continent, the day the man on the Andes asked my name. That man was much older, but the eyes, the way he said my name—those were exactly the same. I remember how I tried to get that man to hear me, but he couldn’t. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how this could be. Maybe I’ll ask Mary about that psychic friend of hers. Maybe she knows something.
“Um, Lisa, are you okay? If you don’t feel the same way…”
“No, no, I…I was just surprised, that’s all. Bill, I love you too.” He kissed me, and I decided to file away the mystery for a rainy day.
Lisa, 1976
“Ah, so are you here to see what the future holds for your daughter?” The psychic asks me, pointing to my growing belly.
“No, actually, I want to try to understand something that happened to me a long time ago.” I tell her about the man on the trip and Bill, and how I thought they were the same person.
“This was back in ’69, you say?” She raised an eyebrow.
“I swear I wasn’t on drugs.” I’ve never done anything harder than pot, and I can’t see that creating an illusion as fantastic as this. What happened to me was real, but no one I’ve seen has an explanation.
Four months later, I give birth to my first child, a perfect baby boy, and I swear off psychics forever.
Bill, 2020
As our cruise ship battled the rough waters between South America and Antarctica, I wondered exactly when would be the right time to open Lisa’s letter. Did I have to be on land, standing next to the penguins? It seemed somewhat impractical to carry the letter around, so I decided to finally open it in the cabin as we approached the Antarctic Peninsula.
The handwriting was shaky, as she’d had some trouble with tremors as a side effect of the medication she had been taken for pain relief. But still, seeing my wife’s script on the letter was too much for me. I teared up as I finally opened the envelope and read the letter.
My dearest Bill,
By now, you know my greatest secret, the only one I have kept from you all these years. You think we met at Martin’s party that summer of 1971, but that’s only partially true. I actually first saw you two years earlier in a café in Paris. Yes, the older you that just went on this whirlwind trip. It seemed like you were staring at me, but I didn’t pay much attention at first. After all, I had a lot of men staring at me back then.
But then I saw you in Barcelona, London, Rome. I remember admiring the Parthenon, then turning around to see you with a camera far fancier than the old film cameras we had back then. Man, do you remember having to wait for your pictures to develop and picking them up at the drug store? It’s so strange to think our grandkids might never have printed photos of themselves…only virtual, stored in that magic cloud Ricky keeps trying to explain to me.
I didn’t know what to make of all this. Was this man stalking me? Why did I only ever see him around sunset? How come I always felt this calming presence when he was around, as if God or something like that was telling me it was okay? I wondered if you were some odd sort of guardian angel. After all, I managed to make it all around the world as a woman traveling alone, and yet I felt safe the whole time.
At Machu Picchu, I heard you say my name for the first time. I didn’t know how you knew it, and I tried to ask where I knew you from, but it seemed like you couldn’t hear me. Strange, I thought guardian angels would have perfect hearing. I had this overwhelming urge to touch you, to see if you were real or just some strange hallucination. I felt your hand, but you disappeared after the sun set.
When we first met two years later, you struck me as rather familiar, though I didn’t make the connection at first. After all, you were thinner then and still had all that thick brown hair. But that day you first told me you loved me, the way you said my name brought me back to Machu Picchu. And I knew.
But I still had so many questions. Why was older-you traveling alone? Why did I only see him at sunset? Why could I hear him but he couldn’t hear me? For years I went to psychics and tarot readers and mediums, telling them what happened and seeing if they could explain it to me. Never got a straight answer out of any of the frauds.
I suppose I know now why you’re traveling alone—because I won’t be able to go with you. At least not present me, the one writing this letter. On the bright side, you can say I was with you in all those places for real, and not just “in spirit” or whatever. On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t mention this. I don’t want our children thinking you’re crazy and sending you to the looney bin.
If you actually followed my instructions, which would be a miracle in and of itself, then you’re in Antarctica, the one place I never made it to. I don’t know how I’ll be able to join you there. I can only hope there’s a way. Maybe I’ll reincarnate as a penguin and bite you. Or maybe I’ll haunt the boat. I guess I’ll have all eternity to think of something.
I imagine it’s been hard for you since I’ve been gone. I don’t know what’ll be worse, being alone on our anniversary or trying to cook for our grandkids and knowing you’ll never beat Grandma. I still don’t know how this magic actually works, but I hope it does.
Love forever and always,
Lisa
As I read the letter, the necklace I was wearing suddenly grew warmer. I picked up the engagement ring and let the warming metal thaw my hands. As I reached the shore of Antarctica, the warmth spread throughout my body so I felt like a cup of hot cocoa on the continent of ice. All of a sudden, the ring disappeared from my hands. And I knew that Lisa had finally finished her journey.
~~~
Okay, so that's the end of the story. Questions for reviewers:
1) The switching perspectives thing was something I just reworked because I fell in love with Lisa's voice while writing the letter. Also Bill is kind of flat. Does the perspective switching work or should I try something else?
2) Is this plot too convoluted and/or too similar to "The Lake House" (if you've seen that movie)?
3) Any suggestions for a better title?
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139,298 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
Hey there! Brave first submission of the contest.
This is a cute story and fits nicely into its length. I particularly found Lisa charming (especially lines like Maybe I’ll reincarnate as a penguin and bite you.) As far as the POV switching goes, I have a successful short-story-writer-friend who often includes scene breaks and/or POV changes in his short stores, and they work just fine IMO, so I don't think it's an inherently wrong thing to do. For this particular story, it might need some fine-tuning.
The premise, I thought, was understandable right away. I figured out what was going on as soon as I saw the first Lisa, 1969. I took it as more of a "they magically see this echo of each other across time" than an actual time-travel thing. Sort of magical realism, without defined rules or spells or gadgets etc. I'm not super excited about it being related to the sunset; I actually like it better with fewer explanations, since it *is* so mystical and unexplained.
I think you could bring out the magic of this story by, essentially, doing more with less. Right now, we flip through a lot of different scenes without spending a lot of time sinking into any individual location or conversation. That makes it a bit harder to get invested in the emotions and the life and breath of the story. I think you could get away with explaining less, and bringing out a few key moments more. For instance, I don't think you need the flashback to her in her hospital bed. You could show the same things by having him almost open the envelope, and decide not to, and his thoughts to himself let us know where it came from and why he's reluctant. I also don't get a lot of feeling from Lisa's scene where Bill declares his love--it's so short as to almost not be worth it.
I think one of the most interesting scenes is when they're in Machu Pichu. I might condense his travels to a single summary sentence (eg "I went here, here, and there, the woman always appearing like a ghost passing between the crowds") and then expand that scene more, since that's where they interact and we get to see more about what's going on. Like maybe describe more of the dry heat and the sound of the bugs and whatever setting stuff, and more about what she's wearing and what their interaction is like.
So basically I'd cut down on the number of scenes. I'd take the best ones and fill them out, and take the less necessary ones and either throw them out or convert them to brief thoughts/summary paragraphs/something quick in passing.
Character-wise, Lisa is funny and cute, and I think the best way to keep Bill from seeming like generic old guy is to show how good a mach they are. They must have similar senses of humor, and he could think about what she might say and what he would say in response, or want to make a witty comment but be sad that he doesn't have her there to tell it to. Give him some wit and humor and he'll probably become more interesting and likable.
Good luck!
Thanks for the review! I put up the second revision: Seeing Lisa [RC:R2]. I agree with you that simpler and deeper is probably the way to go, so I scrapped the alternating POVs and tried to add a little more depth to Bill. Unfortunately, I'm too busy tomorrow so I had to finish early so I didn't do as much as I wanted. I will definitely think about developing certain scenes more in the next round. Thanks again for reviewing!
Hey nite! I figured I'd do this piece as the first of my reviews for the contest.
So yeah, this is great. It's really super-sweet, and I didn't find it too confusing.
Plot
So, I was able to follow the plot fairly well, but it took a good bit of concentration, especially because the time travel was so subtle, just in the top with the dates.
To be honest, I think this is a great plotline to build a story around, but I was rather unsatisfied with the answers (or lack thereof) that we get. All I was really able to tell was that the time travel had something to do with sunset. I mean, I know explaining it all would definitely take away from the central story, so I can see why you didn't.
Still, probably the thing that caused the most confusion is that I couldn't figure out if he was traveling back in time (or could just see the past for whatever reason) or if she was traveling to the future. And in either case, how did neither of them realize something was different? Lisa mentioned seeing his fancy digital camera, but other than that it was like they never noticed the effects of being (even temporarily) in a completely different time. The only thing I can think is that it only targeted them for some reason, so they could see each other but otherwise nothing that was different about the two times. Clarity on that point would help a lot, even if you don't explain exactly what's causing the time travel.
Setting
I don't know that there's a lot to say here, since although he's traveling all over the world, it's not really the main focus of the piece. However, now that I think about it more, I feel like it should be more important. Lisa's giving him her dream, her love of travel and of seeing the world. What does he learn as he travels? What impact do all these amazing places have on him? Lisa's journey is finished now, but what about Bill's? How does making this journey help him to live with her loss, aside from the fact that he's fulfilling her wish?
Plus, all these places are just sort of names in the text. A few of them, like Tokyo, you bring to life, but the rest are just another place for Bill and Lisa to see each other. I think you could really try to cultivate the atmosphere of each different place.
Characters
You asked whether Bill feels flat. I think the answer to that is yes, sort of, and I think focusing more on his journey like I talked about above could really help with that. Lisa doesn't stick out that much as a character, but I still like her a lot and she feels more rounded.
Other
I noticed the tense is somewhat inconsistent throughout. It's mostly that you can't seem to decide whether to tell Lisa's portion of the story in past or present tense. Some of the scenes are in past, like when she kissed Bill, while others are in the present, like when she visited the psychic. In a couple, you actually switch halfway though. I didn't see anything like that in Bill's sections.
And I think I'll leave it there! Best of luck in your revisions.
And I have to travel tomorrow, so once again my revisions are up early! Seeing Lisa [RC:R2]
Thank you for your review! I ultimately decided the POV switching wasn't working. I agree with you that I could flesh the various settings out more and develop Bill, but I didn't have time during this revision round to do as much as I want to. Thanks again!
Hey, niteowl! It's Quill here! Hope all is well! I'm always nitpicky at first, so let's dive into that, and then go on!
Shouldn't it be 'look-a-like'?
Grammatically, this should be "if she were here", as it is talking about a hypothetical situation and not something that could actually happen. (There are a lot of Big Grammar Words that go into explaining this, so just trust me on this one, unless you wanna do some Googling.)
Dang, that instantaneous dusk to night, am I right?
Dusk fades into night. Quickly, but still fades. It's very surprising that in the two seconds she's looking at him, the light changes so drastically that she can't see him. I don't know. It's sudden. But still beautiful.
Grammatically, I'd separate all emdashes in spaces (this goes for any instance this may come up again), but it's very stylistic, so do with that what you will.
You can write 'look-a-like' or 'lookalike'. Either way, pick one and stick to it. (I will mention that the former is more grammatically accurate, but again, stylistic!)
Two notes.
1. "I nodded" should be on a different line, and so should the continuing dialogue, but I do this kind of stuff all the time, so feel free to disregard that.
2. Capital 'h' in 'her' on 'her voice wavered'.
Comma after 'well'.
Woah! Woah woah woah woah woah! Is she dying now? Like, this second? Otherwise, she shouldn't be giving up the ring already! I understand why -- it works with the rest of the story here, but... dang, that's... sudden.
Two more quick notes.
1. Why didn't Lisa give him the note along with the list of places? Did she lose it, or write it, or something?
2. Why isn't this guy's first thought, 'Dang, Lisa told me to go on this trip, and it looks like her -- maybe it's connected in some way!' That'd be my first thought.
Which time? Before, didn't you mention that the cancer 'came back'? So which time? Both times?
You mean, from three years ago, when she died? Or did you mean, you look the same as my dead wife did forty years ago? It reads strangely, for some reason.
Space after the ellipses. (I didn't quote every instance, but it happens again.)
Lowercase 't' in psychic.
Also, in this section, we switch to present, and then future tense. Which is confusing, as the entire rest of the thing is in past tense.
Isn't this the psychic Mary knows? So this is the first person you've seen. Right?
How does she know it's a secret? How does she know it's real? Hasn't everyone told her it couldn't be true? And why wouldn't she tell him earlier? I guess so he'd go on the journey, but -- still!
This calming presence was not mentioned when the story was from her POV.
To answer your questions.
1. At first, I thought it totally worked. But as the story progressed, it just gave the story away, as well as the time period on the heading of the story. We're now dealing with time travel magic, and not just him following what could be a phantom. I think it could work so much better as the latter. Also, I'd suggest reworking it to mentioning, specifically, multiple times, that she looks like Lisa when Lisa was (blank age). The whole "however many years ago" thing makes less and less sense to a reader, for some reason. Also, Lisa's bits were so short in comparison, it seemed random and not as polished. If you think Bill is flat, change him! You can make him just as dynamic and interesting as Lisa is, if you want.
2. I haven't seen "The Lake House", but I do understand what you mean about it being convoluted. To avoid this, I'd talk more about the scenery of the areas they're in. Focus more on the world and the travel. Make it almost surprising when he sees her again, not an expected thing. Focus more on your character's senses. That would give the story new life.
3. "In Her Footsteps". Or "Chasing Lisa". But I like the title as it is, as well.
I wish I got to know more about the characters. More about how they feel, what they think, who they are. I wish I got to see more love. I also thought this story, while lovely, was way too short. You could make it so much longer and expand so much on this idea! Really get into the exploration of different places, and have him recall memories. Make his age clearer from the beginning, and the difference between his age and the Lisa he sees different.
Overall, this was great. Honestly. I loved this. You write so beautifully, and it was so enchanting, simplistic, and lovely. It totally hooked me in for a read and review, and I'm very glad I took the time to read through it. I'd love to see more of your work.
Always keep writing!
Thanks for the review! I think you may be right about this being too convoluted for the length of story it has to be. It's for Megrim's revision contest, and the limit is 3,000 words. I'm already at 2700 something, so I don't have a lot of wiggle room. I may end up going back to my original "she's a ghost" idea, but I thought the ending there (either he dies or people think he's crazy) was too cliche, so weird time travel stuff it is. Still, that would leave me more room for description (which I admittedly suck at) and emotion. I'll see what other reviewers say. Thanks again!
I posted the revisions for the next round! Seeing Lisa [RC:R2]
I think I missed some of your nit-picks...sorry! But I did end up scrapping Lisa's POV in favor of attempting to flesh out Bill more. I also had to add a second conflict so I went a little more into the history of the cancer and their differing feelings about treatment.