Ok this is a really weird very short piece that I wrote, for a writing.com contest I think. It's kind of stupid.
It was the second full moon of the month, the Blue Moon. As Jenny Porter walked down the beach, she noticed the moon appeared red.
I guess that makes it a Purple Moon, then, she thought.
She heard footsteps behind her. She turned around, but no one was there. This happened two more times. Finally she attributed it to her overactive imagination and ignored them. She went back home.
She told her overly superstitious husband what happened. He said he had heard similar stories before, that Death had followed her home. He urged her to leave the house earlier than usual the next day.
She left the house at her normal time to go to work. Her husband was being ridiculous again.
On her way back home, she was hit by a drunk driver, who owned an '02 Jeep Liberty in forest green, the same car she had. The license plate was 9DT 83Y. Hers was Y38 TD9. The girl was a college student named Jenny Porter. No relation.
At midnight August 1st, 2004, she spoke her final words. "Well, this is the kind of thing that only happens once in a Purple Moon."
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Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else that it needs more to it. Don't take this wrong--I know you wrote it awhile ago--but the way it is now it feels to me like one of those email chain letters that people clog their friends' inboxes with. Especially the last four paragraphs or so.
I'm going to have to third that notion. I really think this has some great potential to be a pretty cool short story. Heck, if you wanted to turn it into a novel all you'd need were some more characters/subplots. Either way, I don't think it really does what it could at the length it is now.
If that made any sense.
Yeah I have to agree. It feels like the skeleton of a story, a solid good interesting skeleton but still the bare bones. If you flesh it out I think it would be really interesting.
I like the purple moon part though, that was cute.
It seems like you've written out a plot for a story and not actually written it.
Huh? What were you trying to accomplish with this piece?
It's an interesting idea, for what it is, but I think you need to flesh it out a bit. This is OK if there's a word limit, but if there isn't, you should definitely do that.
Your sentences are kind of choppy. If you combine a couple of them, I think it would be a lot better-and easier-to read.
Also, at the beginning, you don't give enough details. Towards the end, you're exactly the opposite. lol, if you try as hard at the end to be as descriptive, then I think it would be a ton better.