From as far as a mile away the river gleamed a bright orange in the evening sun. The tall grass began to thin out and a few trees began to appear as they neared the river. Relieve flooded across everyone’s face. Leno immediately looked towards Gregor’s face and once again found that smug smile- the one that masked his true feelings. He had become very curious towards the nature of that man with the power of essence.
Much to his irritation his head started throbbing. It was as if he had forgotten something and his mind was trying to remind him of it. Be alert. Have you forgotten? Why are you so calm? Don’t you see it yet? His head ached. Leno clutched his head with his hands. As he did this he noticed Judi was doing the same although she hadn’t clutched her head. It was clear to see that she too was irritated but she always had a different way of doing things. She never looked needy. At that Leno dropped his hands too.
As they saw the river they saw an unwelcome sight with it. Drinking from the river was a beast like none Leno had ever heard of. It looked like a gorilla from the back except its skin was that of an elephant’s, grey and wrinkled. Gregor ushered everyone to get down and take cover in the remaining grass. He assured everyone that the beast naturally had poor eyesight. When it turned its head Leno saw that it looked like the head of a gorilla with the large ears of an elephant added on. What’s more it also had the trunk and tusks. Its eyes were small things only distinguishable because of their oddly green colour.
However whilst everyone had been plodding ahead, Tyson had fallen behind. So as he caught up, it did not occur to him to look at the river. He merely saw everyone crouching in the grass and found it hilarious. He laughed out loud. What is that idiot doing? thought Leno. Mika jumped and pinned Tyson down to the floor. But it was too late. The beast turned and roared like a gorilla before blowing its trunk and making that familiar elephant noise. It charged at them. As it did it dug its tusks into the ground and threw heaps of earth on everyone.
It was not enough to cause any harm but it did obscure their vision. By the time everyone dodged the attack the beast was almost upon them. Ivan and old timer Joe acted at the same time firing their cannon blasters. One cannon ball hit the side of the creature’s chest whilst the other hit its back. It roared as the explosions ate away at its flesh. The creature only seemed more enraged. It charged once again with pieces of flesh hanging from its sides. Joe fired another cannon ball in haste but it missed and hit the ground. The explosion sent chunks of earth flying. Everyone scurried in every direction to take cover. Woody squealed as a rock hit his back.
Judi ran to support him. The beast caught sight of her and was about to charge when Mika threw a stone at it to catch his attention. Leno saw the beast eyeing Mika and instinctively cried out,” Mika run”. The beast turned and Leno realised with dread how close he and the creature had been. He also realised he had not moved at all since the creature first charged. He had just stood there rooted to the spot. It charged and in the distance he heard aunt Mara scream his name. He was a goner.
But Gregor thought otherwise. He bounded in and jumped on the creature’s back. He put his palm on the beast’s forehead and released one of his shockwaves. It roared and crashed to the floor. But it was not done yet. Before it could counter Tom charged in with the lava spear on full heat. He drove it through the wound in the side of the chest and didn’t stop until half the spear had gone it. The creature roared one final time and collapsed to the floor.
Ivan ran up and issued orders immediately. Sam, Tom and the man from the unknown sector whose name was Drake was told to scout the area just to make sure the beast did not have any friends. Lisa and Alisa offered to pick fruits from nearby trees. Aunt Mara rushed over to Woody and started assessing his back. Judi ran over to Leno and dragged him out of his shock whilst Mika scolded Tyson. It all worked like clockwork, all except Gregor. He was left to his devices. Old timer Joe dropped his cannon blaster and walked over.
“Come ‘ere damn it, are you hurt sonny?” he enquired offering Gregor a hand. He looked surprised, for the first time Leno noted as he observed.
“Well not really…”
Joe grabbed him and looked him over. He pressed his hands and Gregor flinched.
“Mara, look at his hands. I think our hero didn’t make a good landing, you know when the beast crashed to floor and all.”
Aunt Mara looked over almost shocked. But even she did not question Joe. His judgement was final. Everyone held their breath as she finished with Woody and went over to examine Gregor. Had he been accepted?
“Oh stop with that look you lot. Stop being so selfish. He has higher ups that made him do that mission and for all we know it could be damn well important. Stop judging him when you don’t even know ‘im. As we are now he is here to protect us and he just did a splendid job with our boy Leno. Speaking of Leno where is that damned brat…..”
Old Timer Joe stalked off in Leno’s direction. Ivan noted how he had not made any of his ridiculous laughs, he was being dead serious. It did seem kind of unfair how they had side lined Gregor. He walked over and said, “Later when we eat do join us, I think it’s time we got to know each other a little better”. Gregor gave him a smile; it was not smug or sinister.
“You should be more careful” aunt Mara said quietly.
“If it helps, I am sorry for what I said, I know you lot had no choice when you were captured but to serve them. I was just angry”
With those words the tension slowly began to creep away. That night was a happy night. They set up a fire and ate freshly picked fruits and they had meat from their kill. Water had been replenished too. Everyone had time to bath themselves before dinner and they were all in good spirits as they sat around the fire.
“Anyhow, what was that thing anyway?” asked Mika to no one in particular.
“It’s called a gorillaphant”, said Gregor. “When the machines took over, many of the nobles and the king of Adede ran across their borders to foreign countries. There was a forest lining the border at the time. The machines poured chemicals and all sorts of gases into it. Over the last four decades the forest has grown into a monstrous thing. The trees are overgrown and whole new kinds have been made. The poor animals in the forest suffered the same fate. The machine captured more animals and put them in too. Over the decades the machines have seen to it that the forest grows big, monstrous and strong. Now it serves as a powerful wall to stop the Old King of Adede from easily marching back. That animal was a mutation of a gorilla and an elephant hence it is known as a gorillaphant”
“How horrible, I knew the machines regarded the humans with hate but the animals too” Judi sounded sad as she spoke almost like she was going to cry for the animals. Leno wanted to point out how she was also eating one at that precise moment but he refrained from killing the moment. In any case he did not say much. He just basked in the moment of happiness. He realised it was one of the best nights in a while. They were the freest they had ever been and they had all they could eat. Out here no one could stop them.
“Maybe the animals are better off like this. That gorilla elephant thingy was strong” said Mika trying to console Judi. She smiled at him.
“Maybe you are right Mika”. He blushed uncontrollably. Leno saw Gregor supress some notion to correct the both of them but he thought better of it. Leno thought how only moments ago he had done the same when he was about to point out Judi eating the meat. Just then it dawned on him that he and Gregor were quite similar. Maybe when Gregor had been Leno’s age he had been just like him. Behind that mask of a smile Leno sometimes caught a glimpse of someone who seemed very familiar to him.
Leno turned to see Mika staring at him. It was a piercing stare, one which was filled with curiosity. Leno knew the look because he used it all the time. As soon as Mika realised Leno was looking at him he turned away and made conversation with Ivan. How strange thought Leno.
Over the next few days everyone travelled according to Gregor’s direction. They would spend one day travelling away from the river of Nations at a right angle and then spend the next travelling back to it. All the while they reached closer and closer to the nation that was once called Sinatra. They saw the grass shortening dramatically in the next few weeks. Patches of sand began to appear and the trees became a distant memory. The river also thinned out as they neared the border.
Leno saw how Gregor always went to sleep before the others. He then discovered how he would then rise before anyone else the next morning and sat pondering on his thoughts. It was these times that Leno would go and talk with him. Leno would sate his curiosity by asking away at many questions whilst Gregor seemed all too happy to oblige. It was one such time when Gregor was explaining to Leno about cores and how they were formed as well as used.
“Cores are pieces of rock filled with elemental energy. You can’t miss them. If you ever see a rock with small electrical-like waves passing over it, that’s a core. Don’t touch it with your bare hands though.
“Cores are formed when under pressure by their particular element. There are fire, earth and lightning cores. Earth cores are formed when under pressure in the earth. Fire cores are found after forest fires. Lightning cores form after a lightning storm. When a rock is being charged with elemental energy it breaks under the immense power which is what leads to different types of cores within each element.
“The weakest type is fragment cores which are small and used in things like the lava spear that Tom has. After that comes a raw core used in bigger mechanisms like cannon blasters. That is followed by an artificial core or a shell core as some call them which are when raw cores are put to together and specially moulded and then encased within a shell. The final type of core is the strongest. It’s called a pure core. You know when I told you earlier that when being charged all cores break apart. Well that’s not entirely true. Some cores remain solid. They instead change shape by metamorphosis. The normally jagged rock that becomes a core becomes smaller into an almost diamond shape stone. The stone is recognisable because it still retains the familiar wave-like property but also it is soot black with red and blue dots on it.
“Earth cores are the easiest to find whilst lightning and fire are much harder. All third order and second order machine have only one core inside them. It’s an earth core because they have kinetic energy which is used to run the machine from inside. All wardens and most of the second order machine have an artificial earth core whilst the rest of second order machine have pure earth cores. First order machines have two cores. They will all have pure earth cores and then a fire or lightning core. What type of fire or lightning core I cannot say because any type of those cores is rare anyway.”
“So what kind and type of core does the machine of class X have, you know the bear guy you fought?” asked Leno.
“His name is Bearangeon. All machine of class X have three cores. All three cores are pure cores. You already know what the earth core does, fire helps create fire and lightning gives electricity. You know when Bearangeon did that fire ball attack; it was a mixture of fire and electricity. The attack is called a plasma ball. It can vary in strength based on the ratio of fire to electricity.”
* * * * *
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there!
Sorry it took so long for me to review. I haven't had much time to get on. Anyway, onto the review...
Twinkle covered all of the grammar/spelling mistakes so I'm just going to comment on the content. I like how I learn a little bit more about each character as I read more. I also like how you focus on all of the characters, not just Leno. There's a nice variety of action within this. There's not one single person facing the monster.
I think it's interesting how Leno is the only one who seems to have an interest in Gregor. Everyone else just deals with him, but Leno seeks him out for clarification and stuff like that. Leno seems to be drifting away from Mika and Judi. He hasn't talked to them much since they started out and it's interesting how Mika dodged Leno's gaze. It makes me think there's something going on between them.
I can't wait to read more! Onto chapter 12.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Alright, onto the reviewing:
Relieve flooded across everyone’s face. (should be relief)
Its eyes were small things only distinguishable because of their oddly green colour. (Maybe you should write it like this:
Its eyes were so small that they were only distinguishable because of their oddly green colour.)
The beast turned and roared like a gorilla before blowing its trunk and making that familiar elephant noise. (I love to imagine a beast making two different animal noises. It’s kind of cool)
“Sam, Tom and the man from the unknown sector whose name was Drake was(should be ‘were’) told to scout the area...”
It all worked like clockwork, all except Gregor. (Here you have to remove the ‘all’ from any one place. It’s kind of repetitive)
That is followed by an artificial core or a shell core as some call them (full stop) remove ‘which are when’ and start another sentence here since it’s getting too long) The raw cores are put to(remove the ‘to’) together and specially moulded and then encased within a shell.
-Onto the comments now:
Another danger was waiting the crew in this chapter. What I liked most here was that each person stood up for one another, attacking the beast which never had a chance. The beast would’ve won if they hadn’t been working together. I was guessing Tyson would do something as stupid as that. Laughing and giving away his location.(that was a good way to start the action) And I’ve also got to admire Leno’s courage. He stood there rooted to the ground the whole time? Now that’s brave.(although i feel like you should add his thoughts in there. It seems kind of empty.)
Finally Mika asked the question rotating in my mind. Who was that beast? Your description about everything here was quite impressive. There is so much going on in the story and it’s hard to break everything up like that, displaying only limited information at a time. But you don't make it seem like it. You're blending it all in perfectly. (Why does Mika suddenly start wondering who Leno is?)
My favourite thing here was the description about the core. Everything is planned so carefully and then linked with one another. It’s so hard to link things in a story. My first novel almost ended up in a disaster because I had no idea how to link my ideas with one another. So keep writing and coming up with new ways to make your story more interesting. Good luck.