Leno wiped the sweat from his brow and panted heavily. The day was almost up and for that he was glad. The scorching sun coupled with the overcrowded yard did not make working comfortable. He was sure as many as thirty had arrived in the last three days. This was an unussual increase in the number of biodas. He looked upon the humans struggling in their toils and wished they would all disappear. They were not fit for work and soon enough they would be slaughtered mercillessly. Humans who were enslaved were bought to the slaveyard with three options. Most of them were put to digging up ancient metal from the earth. This was the fate of Leno too. He considered his situation more tragic than others for he had been put to work when he was only ten. He had learnt the proper way of doing things and risen to the challenge. Most of these people did not have the physical provess to do the work that was required of them. Tragically, their time in this world was limited. Others had the option of working in the furnaces where old metals were melted. This was like a graveyard for the race of metal. When their cores stopped working their bodies were bought here and melted so that the material could be recycled to give birth to new machines. The final option would be to serve as test subjects. This was the cruelest of the three. It meant a short life full of pain and suffering followed by certain death.
"Leno, what are you doing, your time is up. Come over to the burrows".Leno turned towards the slender boy walking towards him. A smile came across his face. For a mere six hours a day he could enjoy the company of his friends, sleep, rest, eat and do anything he wished. Of course, even then he was confined within the burrows with the other biodas but it was a form of freedom and the only kind he ever experienced.
"You are right Mika, sorry about this. I just can't get over the fact that there are more slaves here", replied Leno.
"Why does it matter to you..... oh great. Don't tell me your curiosity is getting the better of you. Please Leno just leave this alone. We can do our work just fine. As long as we keep our heads down and do our work we will be fine. Why do you bother with things that don't concern you. And stop saying slaves. You know they are called biodas. If one of the wardens heard you they would cut off your tongue. Stop being so reckless", retorted Mika.
"No Mika, don't you think its wierd"
"No, if there are more biodas it means more humans are being enslaved somewhere because of some lost battle. They probably opposed the race of metal and got captured. Same story as always."
"You accept things too easily" said Leno with a clear look of disappointment etched across his face. He wished with all his heart that his friend also shared his curiosity. But Mika never did, he was very simple-minded, maybe that was why they were friends. Leno had heard how opposites attract.
Just as Leno was about to argue, he noticed a cut on Mika's leg. How had he not seen this before.
"What happened to your leg. You idiot, can't you be careful?"
"oh this, its nothing"
"No its not nothing, come on lets get you to the burrows. We will have aunt Mara look at it."
"Fine by me mate, as long as this cut gets you away from here, thats just fine", Mika chuckled as a clearly agitated Leno escorted him back to the burrows. As the boys left the yard, the crimson sun began to set. As its rays passed over the suffering masses, Leno looked back and thought of how for some of the biodas, this would be the last time they would feel the touch of the crimson globe. What a pity he thought. So many will inevitably die before the sun rises again and yet such a horrific concept has become the norm. Indeed it was a pity but this was the fate of the human race suffering under the wrath of the race of metal.
End of chapter
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139,618 Literary Works • 672,630 Reviews
To start off, The first chapter seems awesome! reminds me of a book i read in school about slaves and this kind of stuff. Very detailed which i like in a book! I cant wait to read the rest of it, ill do the second chapter for the night. I'm kind of tired, ill probably finish it when i awake though
Here I am. I see you’ve already reached chapter 7. I’ll try to get there soon. Noelle’s already given a great review but here are my thoughts and criticisms.
I wonder who the master or the main boss is. I bet he's not even human.
First off, I like the names you’ve chosen for your characters. They’re kinda unique. The starting was good but I’d have to agree with Noelle that you should divide that one para into at least two or three paragraphs. You’ve read how she writes, right. It’s much easier to read with smaller paragraphs. I’ve always loved stories about enslaved humans. (I have no idea why)
“You are right, Mika, sorry about this.” I think it would sound much better if you write it like this, “You’re right, Mika, sorry about this.” Just suggesting (Totally up to you whether to change it or not)
…there are more slaves here”, replied Leno. I usually add the comma before the speech marks.
"Why does it matter to you..... oh great. Don't tell me your curiosity is getting the better of you.(I think this dialogue is too long. Break it up into smaller dialogues. Make Leno sigh or something to which Mika would say)
“Please Leno just leave this alone. We can do our work just fine. As long as we keep our heads down and do our work we will be fine.(Here again Leno might say something)
“Why do you bother with things that don't concern you. And stop saying slaves. You know they are called biodas. If one of the guardians heard you they would cut off your tongue. Stop being so reckless"
It just sounds better that way.
“So many will inevitably die before the sun rises again” no criticism here. I just loved this line.
Overall, I bet this story is going to turn out great. I’m intrigued with your story. It’s different and everything about it seems unique. The burrows and the guards, the slaves being tortured. Going off to read the next chapter. Keep writing.
Your writing really got me into the story. Finally somebody who pays attention to content more than the visual or grammar side.
thanks, because it was the first chapter i wanted to put in a lot of content, i have already written chapter two but i think its more visual than content that one, sorry about that
Hi there!
My one last criticism is that you seem to have trouble with punctuation within dialogue. Make sure to use the right punctuation at the right time. Other than that your grammar and spelling is great.
So here's how my reviews work: I make a review sammich. Yes, sammich. Basically I tell you what I liked about it, share my criticisms or suggestions, and then close it up with an overall view of the piece.
All right, here we go!
This chapter is very intriguing to me. You have the right balance of information given and information you're not going to give yet. I'm excited to read more because I can't wait for more detail. I want to know about the biodas and who is enslaving them and what they plan to do with them (you know, besides killing them).
I also like the fact that you kept the mood (at least I think it's mood) morbid. I was imagining a large desert filled with working humans, a few guards scattered here and there. Nothing I imagined was a happy scene. You did a good job keeping the reader in the right mood.
Now here's some comments and suggestions I have.
First off I want to say that the first paragraph is really long. I think you should definitely break it up into smaller paragraphs. It's a nice chunk of information and all of it is related, but it's hard to read for some readers. A great place to break is right before "He looked upon the humans struggling..."
Another good place to break would be before "Humans who were enslaves were brought to the slaveyard..." Then after that I think you could break every time you introduce a new option.
Some small nitpicks:
~In the fourth sentence 'unussual' is spelled with one 's'.
~'slaveyard' is two words
~I personally like using the word 'learned' instead of 'learnt'. I feel like it flows better like that
~'Most of these people did not have the physical provess to do the work...' What does 'provess' mean? Maybe it was just a typo
~"No Mika, don't you think its weird" 'its' should be 'it's' and there should be a question mark at the end of that sentence
~"They probably opposed the race of metal..." I think it would sound better if you said "They probably rebelled against the race of metal..." Just a suggestion
~"How had he not seen this before." There should be a question mark at the end
~"What a pity he thought." If you're going to express a character's thoughts I suggest putting them in italics so it's clear to the reader that it is not dialogue. If you don't want to do that you could write something like "He thought it was a great pity."
~"...yet such a horrific concept has become the norm." 'has' should be 'had' and 'norm' should probably be spelled out as 'normal'. It sounds good either way, but based on the way you've written the rest of this you should spell out 'normal'
Overall this is a good start. You've definitely got me interested and I want to read more. Let me know when you post another chapter!
Like I said, make sure to tell me when you add more! Keep writing!
**Noelle**
thanks for that, i will keep everything in mind, since this was the first piece it was difficult starting, but i have so much more of it planned out already, just need the time, i will notify you when i write the next chapter
Hey,
It's nice, I like it; well written. But you could work more on the descriptions. Its pretty short for a chapter, not that a chapter has a said definite length. But still.
Do run a spell check. There are some minor errors.
The concept sounds interesting, there have been novels based on this theme I think.
Anyways, do post the rest of the chapters too!
All the best!
thanks for the comment, especially since it is the first, very encouraging for me