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by midnightdreary


Hi! America is kind of in bad shape right now, so I figured I should write a poem about it. I was inspired by Langston Hughes and how he exposed how horrible things were, but still kept a tone of hope. I'd like to ask people to focus especially on my choice of verbs and adjectives, as well as my ending, because I feel like it's kind of weak. But, criticism on other aspects is always appreciated. Also, please don't start any debates here, I just want advice on my poem, I don't feel like getting in a fight with anyone. Thanks!


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Sat Oct 14, 2017 2:52 pm
woahhitherepal wrote a review...



Hello midnightdreary I'm here to review and break your poem down a little bit (:.
Okay I'm going to start with, overall, I was very moved by this poem. I mean very moved. From the very first few words you had already caught my attention and held it until the very end.
But with that aside lets get into the actual poem.
The very first stanza is absolutely amazing, because we all are. you spoke very honestly with a slight hint of harshness while still not coming across as harsh at the same time (if that make sense) and I can seriously appreciate that.
Skipping down a bit to the third stanza. this was genuinely one of my favorite parts of the entire poem. like the first stanza, you spoke honestly, which sometimes, with that topic, needs to happen. I loved the imagery that came along with it. In general this is a very well written part of the poem and I love it so much.
Then the next stanza. let me start with just Woah. wow. In exactly 27 words, you captured what may happen the lives of so many people, And I love that. It has so much meaning and I am literally amazed by it.
now lastly, I just want to say, this poem is so amazing. Its honest and it talks about how broken America truly is, but its sprinkled with so much hope. I really do love this poem, I've said it so many times now I know, but I cant express it enough.
thank you for this lovely piece of art
have an absolutely splendiferous day!!
>Adrian






Thank you! This review absolutely made my day! I am so glad you enjoyed my poem.
Also I love your profile picture lol. I appreciate the Halloween-ness.



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Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:21 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



To start this off, I think that the topic you chose was an excellent choice for a poem. With this topic there is almost plenty to write about. It had good flow and the imagery was done well. It was easy to picture someone atop a hill or seeing thousands of people marching the streets or roads. Although, I do agree with wordwing though. The ending could of been worded better. It didn't seem to read as smooth as the rest of the poem did. The poem was talking about some of the big matters in the U.S and its nice to see someone just being like, you know what, even if it won't help, its would be a good idea to address these problems. I liked the poem overall and it caught my eye. Good job and keep up the good work!






Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I'll keep the thing about the end in mind as I edit!



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Mon Oct 09, 2017 3:52 pm
wordwing wrote a review...



Hello!I don't know much about poems and criticism(2nd review), but bear with me .

The first part had a lot of impact and it was amazing, but after
"How the dress clung her curves"
it lost some of it.I really didn't like the fourth stanza, I don't think it fits, I think it might be a good idea to remake it.

I also think"that strangle this country" does not fit in as well.
Lastly, the ending should maybe be "Yes, i do believe!" or "I believe, I do, believe,believe!

Overall: nice poem:)






Thank you for your review! I will totally keep your suggestions in mind when I edit. And welcome to YWS!



wordwing says...


Thanks!



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Mon Oct 09, 2017 3:45 pm
UnSocialCactus wrote a review...



I like this, a lot, however, as odd as it sounds, I feel like in some parts you describe it too much.
For example, "A little brown girl and a little white boy," I get that you want tell me they're little but maybe say "A little brown and white boy,". Of course, it's your choice just making a suggestion. You then go on and mention that they're playing with hula hoops at a summer camp. I fell like it's being dragged on, the sentence.

Over all, it's very deep and really touches the heart. =)






Thanks! I'll take that into account when I edit!



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Mon Oct 09, 2017 6:29 am
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StaticScum wrote a review...



This is the start of a very strong poem I believe. Yes, I believe, I believe! First off, you didn't even need to tell me you're a fan of Langston's, your poem reaks of his influence. (Don't worry, I stole everything I know from Robert Frost, so I'll keep your secret if you keep mine *exaggerated wink*)

I like the idea of a lot of things here, but I wouldn't say the main problem with it is in the choice of words, but rather how they're structured. For instance the final stanza. "We need some work,/ that's right and true,/ but in us, I believe./ Yes, I believe, I believe!" All the right words are there, but they're clustered in different rooms with far too many pauses. Take out the fluff and really accentuate the words that truly matter. Here's my idea for a final stanza using only the words you used. "We need some work, that's right and true/ but in us, I believe, I believe!" Essentially you cut the words apart from one another, words that should be living together on the same line, not segregated into many lines that only break the beautiful flow that they can create, a powerful punch that is distinct, passionate, powerful! I think much of this poem how it is could also be looked at in a very similar line of thinking.

Something I thought I'd throw out there as a suggestion. My favorite parts throughout the piece were your descriptions of these general, unfortunate circumstances that end with a very simple accusation thrown at the victim like in stanza 2 "In a city...". Something that you could explore in future drafts is making that the main focus of the problem. Where each stanza paints this vivid picture of a specific event that unfortunately happens all the time (ie police brutality, rape, etc.) that end with an unnamed accuser saying something like "I see, I see! She was wearing a tight dress." and then end with the speaker throwing their own accusation on America. That they aren't going to be as simple as every other accuser, that they won't simply write off America like America writes off its victims because they see past the simple story. They see an American people that they can believe in.

I beg you to keep writing this one and sharing the second draft with us and after you're done with that one, start working on the third.

Much Love,
Static Scum






Thank you! I really appreciate that. I'll totally let you know when I post a second draft.




Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream