The World Within

Hey, crobbins here for a review!

So I saw this under the new members tab in the Green Room! Welcome to YWS! It takes a lot of courage to put your work out there to be seen by other people.

Now onto the nit-picks!

I found a spelling error in your note before the poem, just thought I should mention it: "I'm kind of worr" Maybe you meant "worried?"

Now for the formatting, I think the commas after every line that doesn't end in a period aren't necessary. Yes, commas do serve a purpose, but if they are after every line they tend to be repetitive. If the uniform look of the poem is what you're going for, though, I see why you may have done this.

That's all I found for spelling and grammar/formatting issues!

I actually really loved the whole entire concept of this poem. I think everyone has felt abandoned and unloved at one point, so I think this poem appeals to many because of that. The idea that your cells will fight for you unconditionally is a very comforting thought!

I particularly liked the lines:
"They worry for you so much, that sometimes they try to defend you from cat hair."
As someone who has allergies to cat and dog hair, I can relate! It's a struggle!

I think the relatability of this piece makes it a great piece to publish, as well as the practically seamless spelling and grammar in here.

So overall, great job! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins

Wow!!!that's a awesome one!!!
Love your brain..the way it works..XD. Never in a million years did something amazing like that strike me.Hey!we can write bout science too!!....
Since you stress on the word 'army' a lot...you might want to create a scene of a battle field in a bit descriptive way.(the last sentence of the second stanza).

Your poem is awesome on the whole,but you can try editing it a bit.

"If a protein is folded wrong,
If DNA is jagged and dented,
There's no thought about it,
That cell will kill itself."

Loved that part,generates a heroic attitude of the cells.

"That's poison!"they shout,when you tried eating that berry as the kid."
The tense in this sentence isn't consistent-'shout' and 'tried' are used.
You can either rewrite it as.."....they shout,when you try eating that berry as a kid."


Everything else is awesome!
Hope my review was of help....Love your work,..looking forward for the others too...:3


-Lily^_^

Hello midnightdreary!

That sounds like a great school activity, and an exciting experience! I think your poem is similarly wonderful - there's just a few tweaks I'd like to suggest.

I'm generally not someone who looks over content, so I'll just point out a few technical details I noticed. Overall it is a very interesting poem, and I adore the way you've interwoven self-value with biology - it makes for an incredibly convincing case, and you've pointed out something that is so often overlooked, despite its physical proximity and importance in our existence.

First, I want to take a look at commas, since you've used quite a few. Personally, I feel that in some places they might not be necessary, or could be replaced with different, more specific punctuation. In your first stanza:

"Just remember there are tiny creatures,
Living on your insides,
Making you tick."

if I put them into one line ("Just remember there are tiny creatures, living on your insides, making you tick") I notice that the comma after "creatures" is less important that the one after "insides". I'll try to explain my thinking: you've used two commas in as many lines which isn't an issue in itself, but given the nature of your lines, only one is strictly necessary both grammatically and for the sake of improving your flow.

Hence, when I look back on those lines again, I find that the comma in "...Living on your insides, / Making you tick" is needed because it separates the two ideas of 'living' and 'making'. However, the comma in "Just remember there are tiny creatures, / Living on your insides," provides an unnecessary pause between two statements that derive meaning from each other, so I would recommend taking that one out.

Continuing from that:

"Making you tick.
Your cells,
They care for you more than they care for themselves."

I'll do the same as I did before - join them into one line. In doing so, I see that "Your cells, they care for you more than they care for themselves" does not make as much grammatical sense as it could; more importantly, repeating the use of commas may make your beautiful lines fade into each other because there is no novelty in the way you style them.

In this case I might suggest a colon : after "making you tick" instead, thus allowing you to put a period after "your cells". This is because "making you tick" is part of a sentence that can stand on its own, as evidenced by the period you've already used. Meanwhile, "your cells" directly clarifies the preceding sentence, and these two conditions allow for the use of a colon according to this. Rather than joining "Your cells, / They care for you..." with a comma that doesn't completely work, you could therefore consider writing it like this:

"...
Making you tick:
Your cells.
They care for you more than they care for themselves."

Onto your second stanza! I really enjoyed this one, especially your introduction of the 'army' analogy that gives this poem so much character. What was really striking for me, I think, was the emphasis on "Within your very being", as it really drove home the fact that we each have supporters who are much closer than we realise. Too often we forget it entirely and imagine ourselves to be completely alone, so I really appreciate the way you've reminded your readers of this simple but vital fact.

In the third stanza, I found the similarity of structure in your second and third lines to be very endearing. It resonated very deeply with me, in any case; having never been a student of biology myself (although I have friends who are), I've become suddenly aware of how much I have undervalued my own body up until now. There's only one thing I would suggest here, and that is the adjustment of your comma placement in the final line (which provided a very welcome bit of lighthearted amusement, might I add):

"They worry for you so much, that sometimes they try to defend you from cat hair."

I can attribute it to personal taste, but I think that writing it as "They worry for you so much that sometimes, they try to defend you from cat hair" can improve the flow. It's just a slightly more accurate way to set it out, though the question here isn't right / wrong because it does work the way you've written it!

Although I did not intend to write this review on a stanza-by-stanza basis, somehow I've ended up doing so anyway, because there's something to note in each. After the humourous note on which you ended your third stanza, the fourth is very sobering and so, so important. Your use of words like "jagged" and "dented" perpetuate a certain sharpness and melancholy, which was very fitting for the content of that stanza. For me, it was a timely reminder that although cells are sweet and sometimes fumble, once again endearingly, they also have a profound sense of duty towards their function / occupation and have every right to be taken seriously.

In the same way, the two lines below it are stunning - casual and simplistic, almost cheerful, but communicating an important message.

In my own experience, I've always found it frustratingly difficult to end poems in a way that doesn't detract from everything that came before, but I consider your execution of a conclusion to be very well done. The moral of the poem has been explicitly stated at last, although it has been outlined in detail beforehand, and "Just ask your army" is amusing in that the deed of 'asking' cannot be done, rounding off your poem in a startlingly wholesome and cohesive fashion.

One small thing I'd like to point out here is the comma after "There's no doubt", which to me appears redundant. Since you've already opted not to use 'that' after it, achieving a stylistic and grammatical concision, the comma is not wholly necessary either (though I can understand if it was meant as a pause for breath, a moment of suspense. Still, you don't really need it). :^)

Apologies for the long and rambling review! I only realised how much I enjoyed this poem in the process of writing this, so it's also my way of extending my thanks to you for making me smile and value myself (and my cells) a whole lot more. I hope this was helpful, and all the best with school!

It's amazing that you can write a poem with scientific concepts in it. It's my dream to write one so congrats that you are able to pull this off. The message is great but it will be better if you can incorporate more metaphorical phrases in this piece. Since your portraying the cells as an army, don't hesitate to make cells act as if it they are really human soldiers--always ready to protect and secure you. And in my opinion, the title "The World Within" didn't match the idea of the poem since you depicted the cells as someone who will fight for you. Since you've mentioned the word army a couple of times, you can change it as "The Army Within." But overall, it's a nice poem. Good job!
-Saby