So in this poem, I'm not sure if I get my point across well enough. I'd like you, reader, to let me know if my ideas jump around too much/ aren't related enough, and also tell me your interpretation of the poem. If you see anything in the actual words of the poem I could improve, also let me know, but for these reviews, I care more about your interpretation. Thanks!
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Bonjour, midnightdreary.
I very much enjoyed the look of this poem. It's very different from the others that I have come across as the size of the letters are a lot bigger which makes the poem not only easier to see and read, but it also makes it seem longer.
The grammar and punctuation are on point so the only other things I am left to comment on are my interpretation and the overall way you convey the meaning or purpose of the poem.
I don't believe this helps you in getting your point across since no one really looks at a turtle and says "such a kind animal" maybe a horse or a bird would be a better example of a kind animal, but a turtle to mean just seems as emotionally readable as a fish.
From "I love staring at snowflakes dancing through the air" to "After all, we've got a unique set of genes and a heart that beats" the thoughts skip around a lot so it makes it hard for the reader to get into a continuous flow of thoughts that say what you mean to get across to them. They jump from one subject to the next, but it really should all flow together in a harmony.
The interpretation I got was that we either are not valued by what society tells us is good, how much money we have, or by our weight. Since the premise of the poem isn't very clear it could be interpreted a number of ways, but my thought was that you wanted to show one specific one. I believe you could achieve that by sticking to one chain of thought and not bouncing around so much.
Overall it kept my attention throughout, and presented a nice thought but it wasn't enough to make this a finalized piece. I hope this helped, and came off as criticism rather than hate or distaste.
~Sourire
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to keep those things in mind as I'm editing. Also, I love your username:)
Thanks it means "smile" in French, and I like yours too. <3
At last, somebody agrees with me!
Let's get reviewing, shall we?
The first positive is that I finished reading your poem! In fact, I didn't even skim through it! You maintained a fair amount of rhythm. You actually made a proper poem (not merely prose in lines), and I congratulate you. It flowed, so you achieved possibly the most important aspect of making an enjoyable piece of poetry.
I was a bit confused at one part, and I'm sure you simply didn't know what to write (unless you can defend it, in which case, my apologies), and that was, "As kind as a turtle."
The other animals seemed to fit their assigned traits, but I'm not sure about turtles and kindness. Dogs are kind. Perhaps "as kind as a dog" would be a better? Still doesn't sound right though. I don't know, just my suggestion.
First, I was unsure of your jump to the protagonist's preferred activities, but I actually get it now. It's meant to distinguish the protagonist in a world of numbers and brands, and give them a sense of uniqueness. Well done in that department. Actually, had you made that part just a little bit longer, I think it'd be even better. That's possibly the best segment of your work.
You put your message across just fine. I absolutely understood what you meant to say. As a hopeful academic, I understand the importance of a standardized system. There doesn't seem to be a much more efficient way of testing. Yet I do agree that we may be putting too much emphasis on it! By disregarding someone completely because of a score or number, we may be missing out on a truly great mind who simply ran into a streak of bad luck.
Alas, such is the world, and we must adapt.
Yeah I agree with the turtle part totally. I'll keep in mind some things I can add to the protagonists personality and interests as well. Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed!