Your tiny ten-year-old body
is filled with energy.
Always jumpy,
always moving,
a step, a twirl, a leap.
I drag my feet across the ground,
keeping my eyes low.
My head is filled
with foggy clouds,
from many sleepless nights.
Your mouth is always open wide
like a squeaky old mailbox.
You shout your thoughts,
like Pandora’s box,
but filled with much more glee.
My mouth is always sewn up tight,
my words all locked away.
I guess I found
the hard way ‘round,
some people don’t like what I say.
You make friends in an instant,
after meeting a kid just once.
You stick together,
birds of all feathers,
a look, a hug, a grin.
It takes me just about a week
just to try and talk to someone.
Then a few more months
to even consider
the slightest possible connection.
Your eyes are always full of life,
a smile your constant companion.
It breaks my heart
when I remember
that I was once like you.
So two weeks back I worked at a summer camp where I was in charge of a bunch of nine and ten-year-olds, so I dedicate this poem to them. I'm hoping they stay as weird and carefree as they are right now for a long time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
Wow! I really liked this poem! Your message was clear and it's relatable as well. I like how you switched back and forth between you and the child. The flow was mostly good although it was a little off in a couple of places.
I really liked this ending. It might help the last three lines stand out more to separate them from the first two, but it's fine like it is too.
That's all I have to say, really. I didn't find anything that really needed fixing. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed. Also your "this review is brought to you by" thing is super cool.
Wow!!!
Hey midnightdreary! Thanks for sharing the poem!
I can definitely say that this poem is true. As a kid, you really don't care what other people think. Life is so much easier. As a teenager, you discover that life is not as smooth as you once thought. You grow skeptical and hyperaware. You meet the world for what it is.
The truth of this poem speaks to me the most. I really like how you switch the tone of each stanza based on if you are talking about the kid/teenager. The kid has a light, carefree tone while the teenager wary, sad way about them.
As a suggestion, I think I would have separated the last stanza into two, moving to the next after "constant companion". For me, it gives those last 3 lines more significance.
I really can't think of any other suggestions right now. You capture the essence of being a kid and teenager well!
I enjoyed your poem a lot! Thank you for sharing!
~iamanaspiringwriter
I second the comment on the flow by SaveDodosNopeTooLate. Seemed a bit off for me as well.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked my poem and I'll make sure to take your suggestions into account!
This is literally so so so relatable that I was thinking reviewing it would make no sense because I'd just ramble on about how perfect the content is buuuuut here goes.
First of all, the title. It's perfect for this poem, it conveys the main point and tone perfectly, and it makes you feel pressed in by silence and puts you in the shoes of the type of teenager being talked about here.
Second, the imagery, content, and writing style. I do picture two people, a kid and a teenager, along a beach, which is weird, but as your inspiration was a summer camp, I suppose it isn't far off. So good imagery. The content, as I've already said, is spot on. The writing style is simple yet you show your knowledge of different concepts and a good vocab, while not weighing a topic like this down with too many long or hard words. I like that. And, especially if you do have a rich vocabulary, it's hard to pull that off.
The flow and format. The formatting seems fine and simple. The flow... I'm not so sure about. When you read it out aloud, something seems a little off, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but I think the flow could do with some work.
I especially like the Pandora's box part and the Birds of all feathers part. Creative and fitting.
So, to sum it up, your content is great, writing style is simple and uncluttered, you have a few awesome lines in there, so the only negative, really, is the flow, which IMHO could use some work. Otherwise overall, great job!
Sadie
Thank you! I'm glad you were able to relate to this. And yeah I was very unsure about the flow, so I'll make sure to fix that up!