This poem is about my senior friends graduating high school and going off to college. I just finished sophomore year, so I'll still be in school and they won't. I'm worried we'll stop being friends since they'll be far away next year.
I tried messing with the structure of the poem and spacing of all the words, so if you could give me feedback on that, it'd be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
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Hi!
Ok so I literally cried while reading this because thats what I'm dealing with right at this moment. My best friend, and someone who I need in my life more than anyone else is leaving and I'm absolutely terrified of losing her. So this poem rally hit home.
As for the structure, I'm not a huge fan of the staggered lines. It makes it a bit hard to follow along with. I also think that you could maybe play around with a few of the stanzas and choose stronger words that pack a bigger punch.
I really liked this poem, and I hope everything works out for you and your friendships with these people. Keep writing!
-E
Oh no, I'm sorry about your friend. I'm sure they'll keep in touch with you and you'll be just fine. And yeah, I've only just started trying to give my poems structure, so that's totally something I'll look at.
Hey there, midnightdreary! And welcome to YWS! I'm Tom, and I'm pretty new as well. Glad to see you on the sight
Let me start by saying I don't have any real critiques to this piece. I love everything about it: the wording, the style, the format, and the story. Instead I'd be complementing your piece regarding why it touched me on such a personal level
I moved across the country after my freshman year of high school, so this poem touched me dearly when it comes to that. I know this is about your friend going to college, but this was still very relatable and translatable to me. My closest friend, who remains my closest friend despite all my wonderful ones I've made here in my new home, was very hard to say goodbye to. He and I grew up doing everything together from 3rd grade and on. He was my closest childhood friend. Moving away I was scared that we could loose touch since I would be over 2000 miles away, but everything worked out. He and I don't keep in touch because we don't have to! We remain very close and whenever we get to visit it's like not a day has passed.
I thank you for this poem. It brought back a lot of touching memories and feelings from when I moved away from my childhood home, across the country. Even more so is the fact that this poem is more of my best friend's view than mine, which makes it even more touching.
Thanks again for uploading this piece! I hope to see more of yours in the future.
-Tom
Thank you! I'm glad my poem made you feel that way.
Very Good!
Thank you!
Hello, midnightdreary!
Seeing as you're fairly new, welcome to the Young Writer's Society! I really loved this, and I can relate to it myself since I just finished my sophomore year as well, and my best friend will probably be leaving for college in the fall.
You asked about the structure of the poem and the only thing I'd say is, I'd write it like you have the end in the way that it looks like the words are falling away almost like memories. It makes the poem seem melancholy, and it looks a lot more splendid as well.
Anyways, that all I have to say! Great job!
~Ruby
Thank you! That's exactly the effect I wanted!
I loved it! The structure is definitely effective on the poem; it makes it more effective. The "I love you" is moving - the structure with where it's placed makes me think that anything of someone can be loved. The poem personally hit home for me, as I've just left school. I can picture a close friend of mine saying this, so the poem can be related with anyone saying it (I forgot the word for that. Sorry.)
The poem has a mixture of melancholy and positivity - "To become something, someone great" includes both feelings of that. You'll miss the company of the person, yet you'll respect what they do.
I'm sure there'll be contact with your friends still - I'm best friends with someone from a school we both left 5 years ago!
I loved this poem. I want to check out your other works now!!
Thank you! I was hoping the I love you would stand out.
And I hope my friendship works out as well as yours did. Your situation gives me some hope.
I loved the way you spaced the words! This is a cool poem, to say the least. I think 'to become something, someone, great' sounds a bit strange, but that may just be me.
I love how true 'I'd never hear the end of it is', it made me crack a smile.
I did wonder, in the second stanza, what you meant. You were saying bye, yet you were wondering why your glass was being filled with kindness? Why would your friends going away be kind? But, maybe I misunderstood that. Keep writing!
Thank you! I was worried that the "I'd never hear the end of it" was out of place.
Also, the honey in the glass represented all the memories we made to make us friends. That part was inspired by this Ray Bradbury quote from Fahrenheit 451: "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over."