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Loved Then Put Aside

by mephistophelesangel


A dog curled up, hiding from the rain

A collar around his neck with a faded name.

.

A necklace sitting untouched in a drawer,

Never to see light again.

.

A baby placed in front of an orphanage,

With a hastily written note and an envelope filled with money.

A man without a home, sitting on the sidewalk

Sounds of bombs and guns ripping through his head.

.

A fish floating belly-up in the aquarium

Soon to be flushed down the toilet.

Loved then put aside.


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15 Reviews


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Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:52 pm
bvbAngel says...



Hey! I hope you dont mind me dropping in for a review! Okay so first, I really liked this, it is really true.

I feel this piece was peaceful, and filled with a lot of emotion. I feel that this really went well with the meaning and etcetera.

But since this wasn't a rhyming poem, wear it says rain and name really kind of threw me off. Really the only other thing I seen was the stanzas. Its a bit trivial I guess you could say. But really this really amazing. I feel that we can all relate to it at least once in our life. The emotion you put into this piece is incredible and I loved it.

I hope to see more pieces like this from you in the future!




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15 Reviews


Points: 826
Reviews: 15

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Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:51 pm
bvbAngel wrote a review...



Hey! I hope you dont mind me dropping in for a review! Okay so first, I really liked this, it is really true.

I feel this piece was peaceful, and filled with a lot of emotion. I feel that this really went well with the meaning and etcetera.

But since this wasn't a rhyming poem, wear it says rain and name really kind of threw me off. Really the only other thing I seen was the stanzas. Its a bit trivial I guess you could say. But really this really amazing. I feel that we can all relate to it at least once in our life. The emotion you put into this piece is incredible and I loved it.

I hope to see more pieces like this from you in the future!




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:14 pm
ElvenJedi wrote a review...



Heya, this is jedi, here with another review!

This piece was very peaceful seeming, but filled with emotion as well. I think you accomplished that very well and it fits the poem perfectly. There's not really anything that could be changed except that since this is obviously not a rhyming poem, the slant rhyme in the first stanza with "rain" and "name" kinda throws it off.

The only other thing I would like to suggest about this poem is the stanza order. I think that after mentioning an abandoned baby and a veteran with no place to go the dead fish seems sort of... trivial. Maybe an order that builds up would be more effective, for example doing the necklace, the fish, the dog, the baby, then the veteran. You get the point :)

Overall this piece is absolutely beautiful and it conveys emotion to the reader and targets our compassion in all the right places. Especially like the short line at the end, how it wraps up the whole poem by telling the reader why you just listed all these depressing things.

Very well written and I can tell there's a purpose in every word, no extra fluff, but very poetic. I hope to be seeing more of your works soon, keep writing!




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:12 pm
gxldencrxwns wrote a review...



Hello, hello! Gxldencrxwns here for a review!

I find the concept/theme behind the poem to be very nice. Thye different scenarios shown through each stanza was nice, and the title brings everything together. However, I think the last line: "Loved then put aside." is unnecessary. You make your point that love is put aside through each stanza and this line doesn't really need to be there.

Another thing, the title. The whole thing would go together if there were to be a comma after loved. It goes smoother and is easier to understand.

You seem to have another minor mistake that can easily be fixed. When you start new stanzas, some of the first lines have commas after it, while others do not. I that was your intention, then okay. If not, I'd suggest picking one or the other to keep it consistent.

That's the end of this review, sorry if I sounded harsh! Have a good day/night, and keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 2:40 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! I believe that I reviewed a short story part of yours earlier today (if it wasn't you then I apologize) though I don't believe that I've read or reviewed your poetry before. I guess this is the time to start!

The concept of this poem is interesting. I found the different metaphors throughout this poem to be quite impactful, though the ending doesn't do too much for me. The wording there is something that can be improved since 'loved then put aside' sounds a little weird. I also wouldn't mind there being a line before the last to give a set-up, giving off a stronger emotional impact there.

That being said, this is written almost strictly in couplets except for the last line, which is another reason why I suggest adding in that extra line to make the last stanza a couplet as well. Makes this more even structurally and a bit more complete, which I have to admit is something that I enjoy here. How complete this feels. At the same time, there are a couple of tiny nitpicks that can be made to make this a bit stronger when it comes to wording or diction even though the intention of the poem is well.

A dog curled up, hiding from the rain

A collar around his neck with a faded name.


This first couplet here is a little awkward with the wording. What's particularly awkward here is that there's a comma after 'up' though no comma after 'rain' where a comma feels appropriate. I also wanted to note that 'rain' and 'name' are a bit of a slant rhyme? This puts me off since I'm not sure if this is intentionally or not. Starting the line with 'a' twice is a little repetitive.

A necklace sitting untouched in a drawer,

Never to see light again.


Here, the 'sitting untouched' aspect is what needs tweaking a little bit here.

A baby placed in front of an orphanage,

With a hastily written note and an envelope filled with money.


There doesn't need to be a comma at the end of the first line. I hope these are some examples of a couple of minor issues with the wording and punctuation and I hope you're able to fix them with ease. The overall concept of this is well-executed and simple, though there are still pros and cons to simplicity and having this poem solely be focused on metaphor throughout the different stanzas.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus