First things first;
Lock the door.
Check once, twice,
Then let those tears fall.
It may be somewhat difficult
But do try to not make them
Go dripping down your face,
For the last thing you want
Is your eyes getting red.
So angle your face down
And stare at that dirty floor,
Look at those little water droplets
Splashing onto the ground.
See that?
You're doing great!
Now get some tissues -
Oh, the tears haven't stopped?
That is completely normal,
Just repeat the first step
Until your eyes are somewhat dry.
Now get some tissues,
To hold gently against your nose.
Be careful,
This may remind you of something
Like care,
Or even love.
Look at what a little gentleness can do!
No matter, that's all gone now.
Let the tissues absorb the mucus
Falling from your nostrils.
Gentle, remember, gentle.
Don't rub,
Or now your nose will be all red.
When the tissues are soaked,
Throw them away.
Take a deep breath,
Remember where the nearest window is.
This, again, might prove to be quite challenging
But do try.
Yes, you're doing great.
Now walk to that window,
Push it open carefully.
Some cold wind will be great
To dry your face.
So there you go,
Now you're safe.
(Side effects :
These steps may result in
What might strangely feel like
Something rotting inside your chest,
But don't worry at all.
That doesn't require any medical care,
And it is nothing that
Some well-placed words can't cover.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi!
Anon5 here to review your poem. I would like to start off by congratulating you; you are a capable poet. It is often hard for a writer to find the courage to sound as satiric as you did in this piece. It surely is pulling, I cannot deny. Your title is solid and attractive. You begin by creating an atmosphere that your readers immediately grab onto. You are instructing them, teaching them how to cry in a way that is unique to you and all mankind. Usually, I find it the most fitting to point out what I like about and what I think could be replaced in the poem. So here we go:
Likes:
1. Yes, I will begin with the end as it is my favourite part:
"This, again, might prove to be quite challenging
But do try.
Yes, you're doing great. t
Now walk to that window,
Push it open carefully.
Some cold wind will be great
To dry your face.
So there you go,
Now you're safe."
To be quite frank, for a moment, I was afraid the speaker would commit suicide as I began reading this. There is a thrill to it, a morbid one, that I anticipated. Yet you struck me with the exact opposite of that. You made sure that the speaker eventually found a moment of peace and serenity. The window perhaps symbolises hope in this case. I like that a lot. It's magical.
2. I like the fact that you're not trying too hard. Your words fit perfectly. You've written freely. Your humour is bitter and it is raw and you've handled conveying your message pretty well. This is excellent.
What I would change and why:
1. It's really only this part:
"Let the tissues absorb the mucus
Falling from your nostrils.
Gentle, remember, gentle.
Don't rub,
Or now your nose will be all red."
It kind of felt out of place. Especially when you wrote "absorb the mucus". There are many other ways you can word this. I guess it didn't quite fit the elegance of the rest of your poem.
I hope this helps.
Write more,
Anon5
Note: Rawness beautifies satire.
Hello there fellow writer, DrFeelGood to review your poem on this lovely review day. So let us begin!
Right of the bat when I noticed the title, I immediately became interested in seeing how you handle the poem. The title is extremely catchy and creates curiousity amoung the readers. Good job there!
Seeing as you have classified this under 'humor' category, I was also interested in seeing how you handle comedy in this poem. And to give a brutally honest feedback, I was disappointed! It was a pretty predictable poem and religiously followed what was suggested in the title. It's not a bad thing to do, but since this is under 'humor' category, I expected some madness in the poem.
Words like 'let' and 'somewhat' give excessive warmness to your poem. It's good to have compassionate and warm words but in this case, they hamper the comic-ness of your work.
I have very little problems with this poem, except the fact that it didn't make me smile.
For spicing up the humor quotient, you can do two things:
1. Editing:
- Sharp editing helps you increase the pace of your poem (comic poems are generally expected to be fast paced.) It also helps you sharpen your story and the message you're trying to convey.
2. Punch Lines:
- You need strong punchlines to increase humor value. I feel your poem lacked those punches which is why I felt it couldn't achieve its optimum. You should work on that. Try using italics, underlines or strikeouts once in a while. They're helpful devices!
Overall, I like the message you're trying to convey. How difficult it is to cry and I also like the entire process of crying which you explain with details. It's an emotional thing and adding more humor will help you create a much stronger poem. At the moment, the idea behind your poem is raw and fresh. It has a lot of potential! I hope you revise this poem.
Good Job and Keep writing!
Hi there Kat here to review for you !
So, the whole time I was honestly bracing for something horrible like ....jumping out the window or ...something . But no, what I got was exactly what I came for, steps on how to cry . Nice. It just felt really comforting after I thought about it , I though of my own room . Poems like this are really relatable and can really speak to our readers . Normally, I would beg for more imagery ...but here I think the emptiness justifies the mood you're trying to create ad I believe that was a good idea on your point.
Nothing negative or lengthy just, thanks .
Hello! This is RainbowPowerPonies coming to review your work, mephistophelesangel. You can call me RPP if that's easier and faster for you. Now to your review!
This is beautiful, and there are teardrops on my keyboard. To tell you the truth I don't know why but I followed your steps and I cried very hard. Although this may not be meant to be taken literally it is a good way to see if you can cry anymore. But my favorite part was the end. The part about the side effects.
"(Side effects :
These steps may result in
What might strangely feel like
Something rotting inside your chest,
But don't worry at all.
That doesn't require any medical care,
And it is nothing that
Some well-placed words can't cover.)"
mephistophelesangel, let me tell you, this is amazing and well written. I couldn't find a way to improve it myself. This is as I said, beautiful.
So keep writing, follow your dreams, navigate the stars and become one as I read along with you.
Good Luck,
~RainbowPowerPonies