Here.
You see,
If you are a martial artist;
Tae Kwon Do,
Karate,
Krav Maga,
Whichever one you polish,
Let me tell you this.
.
One day,
You’ll find yourself
With an opponent in front of you,
With a solid plan in your mind,
Your muscles all coiled up,
Fingers twitching,
Feet shifting.
And
You’ll step forward
Rotate your hips,
And
Kick out,
With a kick
That’ll leap into your head.
.
But,
Here is something,
That will be very,
Very
Different.
Unlike what you’ve always done,
Your legs might stretch
A little too much,
Or
Your vision might waver
A little too much,
Or
You might blink
A little too much.
And all of a sudden
You’ll feel cold.
And
Your chest will freeze.
In that split second,
A realization will come,
That the coldness
Is coming from
Your outstretched foot.
And
Your brain will whirl
And
You’ll stop breathing
Maybe gape,
And
You’ll glance down
At your foot, hitting nothing
Nothing but cold, cold air
And
Something icy will
Latch onto your foot,
And
Laugh,
Jeer,
Shed crocodile tears.
And
The only thing you’ll be able to think
Will be
I missed.
And
I promise,
I promise,
That cold feeling on your foot
Will be there
Forever
And
Ever
And
Ever.
.
Even as
A knife approaches your vision
Or perhaps,
A fist drives itself into your stomach,
All you’ll be able to think
Will be
I missed.
.
Believe me,
I know.
When my trustworthy kick
Cut through nothing but
Air,
And
Air,
And
When my back smashed
Into the icy concrete ground,
Believe me,
Believe me,
All I could think was
I missed.
I missed.
I missed.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Mephisto!
If I may guess, do you do martial arts? It seems like you can describe the experience and feelings very well.
Actually, I have a blackbelt in Taekwondo, so that was a kudos for me as I was reading.
Some things I want to point out.
Cut through nothing but
Air,
And
Air,
And
In this part, I'm unsure if the repetition was really necessary. You could have just written, 'Cut through nothing but/Air'.
Again with this part :
I promise,
I promise,
Did you really need to repeat, 'I promise'? I'm unsure about that. It makes the poem flow a little choppier.
I loved the part about the crocodile tears. It rhymed really well with the other parts of the poem. Overall, this poem was really good. I love reading poems that I can totally relate to.
Happy review day, by the way!
Thank you!
I mean NO offense by this, but I think repetition is just my style. I really like doing it.
Thanks for your comments!
Mephis
HEY I'M HERE FOR THE REVIEWS!!!
I can relate to this song... I used to practice martial arts... Yeah... I sucked at it
Well I guess im saying it again... I've... Struck... GOLD!
I really like this song you've made here, I really like it allot!
I really don't have much to say about it except for I LOVE it and my most favorite lines are the last few, don't know why but the last few lines of most songs are my favorite...
WELL, Thats all I have to say about this BYE!
P.S: You've earned a follower IGN 100/99
Hello! Thanks for your review!
Except it is a poem, not a song XD
Mephis
Oh, my bad... lol
Hello, a quick review on your poem
Firstly, I loved the way you develop the ideas from the begining until the end of your poem. What I understand is, it is about a mistake made by a member of the martial arts(yourself) and how this mistake/failure makes him/her feel worse. I liked the element of repeatation here, where it emphasizes the title of the poem and how this gives impacts on the content of the poem itself.
How you built/organize the structure of the poem might affect the way readers read your poem. Whether it's slow or fast. And when you organize your words, you might consider saying if it sounds balanced. You can try to read it out loud and think if somewhat discordant sound was heard.
This part appears to be trying to influence readers with the fear of failure by saying that it will last forever? Or are you trying to say that you will remember how is it feels like forever?
Anyway, like what I did mentioned before, I really like the idea. Keep writing