You looked over the balcony,
all the way to the horizon.
You seemed to admire;
the clear sand stories below,
a star-filled sky,
the dark shadow that was the ocean.
You breathed in the cool night air,
as if trying to get high off of the ocean salt.
"It's beautiful," you whispered,
as though you were afraid that your words would break:
the peaceful sound of the waves crashing on the shore,
car horns blaring far into the distance,
and the sound of music emanating from our hotel room.
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
I looked over my shoulder,
taking in the view.
The reflection of the moonlight,
glowing on your skin.
The wind,
playing gently in your hair.
The elegance,
of your bare face.
The twinkling of the stars,
in your eyes.
The hoody that you stole from me years ago,
draped across your shoulders.
“Beautiful doesn’t quite describe it,”
I whispered back.
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OMG!!! This is a really beautiful poem, and I really like it. I really like that line about the hoody she/he stole from him/her(I just confused myself. forget that!). I like the use of the word, and how you say beautiful doesn`t quite describe them. I think this could have a double meaning, like beautiful doesn`t describe the setting, but also how the two feel about each other.
I don`t know whether it was purposeful, but there is a contrast in the length of your lines in the first and second half. To me, It seems like the second part is rather abrupt compared to the beautiful launguage you used in the first part. It`s still an amazing piece.
Hi there!
I absolutely love the idea you came up with here, and some of the lines are beautifully descriptive and put a clear image of the scene in my head. Very well done in that sense!
I personally am very interested in this hidden emotion and back-story between the characters.
If I am correct to assume that they are in love with each other, I love how the character in whom's point of view the poem is written seems to care more about how their significant other is feeling and and reacting to the beautiful view, rather than tune into the rush of the ocean waves and enjoy if for their self. I think it captures the essence of love beautifully, how one might overlook something beautiful to look at something even more beautiful in their eyes.
One critique I do have is that though I think it was described beautifully, the scene was described a bit to literally. Try using some more forms of figurative language.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece! Well done!
Hello.
Cute idea you've got, here, and I really like the general concept. The comparison you pull is very sweet.
However, I feel the poem falls down on flow, namely how you've broken it up with punctuation. Having a pause after every single line feels unnecessary in some places, and I would suggest you look at what each piece gives you. If you're just putting punctuation at the end because that's convention, I would strongly reconsider. Poetry doesn't really have convention, and the rules can be bent very extensively so long as you make it work. You don't even need capitals.
This also feels very spelled out, without a lot of whimsy. This is my style, so you can completely disregard this. But I would love some more metaphor and imagery here. Instead of describing the scene straight out, describe it the way an artist describes a painting. Make the language beautiful, describe the stars as something more than just stars, as twinkles capturing wonder.
I suggest this primarily because it would make the contrast between sky and partner that much stronger and that much more lovely. If we had that absolute breathtaking description in the first portion, then it would carry on into the second and give you more room to describe how beautiful the other side is much more effectively.
Overall, this was nice. Watch your flow and play around with punctuation to see where your style is, and maybe try metaphor just to see if you like it. Finding your voice in poetry takes awhile and, seeing as it's your second ever, I'd really encourage you trying on every style you can to see where you want your own voice to sit.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
This is the second piece of poetry I've ever written. Feel free to tear it apart.