Many years ago, when I was a child, I wore the uniform of imagination and played “Soldier” or “Army Man” with my friends and siblings. Together; we stormed the hills of backyards and playgrounds, shouted “Pew, Pew!” and “Bang! Bang!” and wrought great devastation unto the figments of our collective imaginations.
In high school, I wore the uniform of a US Army JROTC Cadet, as did my siblings and closest friends. Together; we PT’ed, played sports, won and lost competitions, chanted the Cadet Creed, and melded to become one family.
Today, I don the uniform of a United States Sailor, a member of the world’s finest navy. I no longer have friends, only family. Together; we will defend freedom and democracy around the world. We are the defenders of our country and the masters of our enemies. We are faithful to a proud heritage, a tradition of honor, and a legacy of valor. We will place the mission first, never accept defeat, and never quit. We will always be at our stations, alert and attending to our duties.
What was once the dream of a young child, has become one man’s reality.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
This piece is well written, very much so. It's like a quick summary of the man's life. You're flipping through the many stages and then it takes you to the ending, like hey, all these dreams I used to have are no my reality, so you can take that to think about. It's written in a really professional way, too. There's no misspellings, and there are words in there that I should probably go look up the definition for.
Hi! It's Kaila here for a review.
First of all, let me say, wow. This is such a beautifully executed piece; you do an excellent job filling a small piece with so much emotion. I actually especially like your choice to make this on the shorter side. My philosophy is that, when a piece of writing is shorter, it forces the reader to pay more attention to each individual word and detail, therefore emphasizing the emotion of said details. The same idea is true to spacing out the final sentence for a more dramatic finish, as you have done.
The second paragraph to me seems slightly confusing and irrelevant, because you already talked about wanting to be in the army or navy when you were a child. Also, I (and I'd be willing to be other people, too) don't really know what Pt'ed or Cadet Creed are. I would delete these details or explain them further. If the reader doesn't understand a detail, they don't pay attention to it. If the reader doesn't understand a paragraph, all that paragraph is doing is sitting there making you writing longer and taking emphasis off of the other paragraphs.
Overall, though, I loved this. Nice job!
Hello, there! I'm Pen and here is what I think:
The piece you put up here is very nice. There are no spelling or structure mistakes that I could find, so all should be very good.
This is tagged as a short story, though, and I don't think it has the normal elements that could make it so. Short stories might be short, yes, but they have a sequence of events and they have characters with voices and actions.
If you wish this to be a short story, then throw in some details, some feelings and also some dialogues. Otherwise, we can call it an insight, if it satisfies you perfectly in length and content.
Thanks for the read!
♪♪Pen