Letters to an Old Friend
The first time I saw her, everything in my head went silent; all the thoughts, all the constant wishes for absolute silence…just disappeared. When your life becomes synonymous with depression and suicidal thoughts you don’t really get quiet moments. Even in bed I’m thinking: Should I jump? Maybe. Should I starve? Maybe. Should I drown? Maybe. Should I die? Why not. Do I want to? Yes.
But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the elegance of her bare face...the shuffle as she came into class...the curving of her wrist as she wrote her name on her paper...and the way she made everything disappear. For a year and a half I loved her.
When I wanted to shut the world away she was the only one I let in. When storms came that rocked my foundation to the core and the thundering boom was the only thing I could hear, she was there with a laugh that resonated through every chamber of my heart. When the only thing I knew how to do was frown, she pasted a smile onto my face that went from ear to ear. When my life became a violent storm there she was with an umbrella and a smile that said “Here silly, you forgot this”. When the world kicked me down and I was curled into a ball she hoisted me to my feet and brushed me off without ever telling me to “suck it up”. When my life was a living hell our friendship was a glorious Heaven.
I loved the way she smiled. I loved the way she laughed. I loved the twinkle in her eyes when she talked about science, math, or really any other kind of academia. I loved the way she looked at me. I loved the way she took every fragment of my broken soul and pasted them back together again with the adhesive called friendship. I loved how the very sound of her voice was able to push away all the sadness that plagued my heart and soul. I loved the way she fought my demons. I love how she never even noticed what she did.
And then I confessed my feelings to her. We were the closest of friends in sixth grade. We ate lunch together. We laughed. I liked her a majority of that year and she liked me for a few weeks. We spent a week together after eight grade and again I found myself falling for her. My junior year was hell…and she was the reason I made it out alive. And then summer happened…
…In a matter of weeks we went from best friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. We went from friendly high fives and knuckle bumps to intimate kisses and hugs. We stayed up well past the moment when the sun set to talk to each other. We lived. We loved. We laughed…and we broke.
I remember the way you left. I had been trying to call you all week long but you ignored my phone calls. You’d gotten grounded from your phone and knowing your parents they were giving you crap about us like they always did. I remember the words you spoke to me in the minute that was our last phone call, and last conversation. “Hey, I just need you to hear me out…these are my words not the words of my parents…if we were meant to be we wouldn’t be in this situation…you need someone who loves you like you love me. I’m sorry." I remember the sound of you choking back tears as you apologized.
There are so many questions I will never have answers to; and to be honest I no longer care. I’ll admit though that at first I tried to get her back. I wrote countless pages of a letter to her that was never sent. Again my heart was broken and again she held every shard in her hand. I had a rough time getting over it all. She led me back to God, made me embrace my faith again; she very well may be the only reason I am here today.
Now, she doesn't talk about me. Now, she doesn't even look at me. Now, she goes out of her way to avoid me. Now, we are strangers.
From the moment she changed my life to a few weeks after she said goodbye I loved her with everything I was. Now things are different.
I hear her name and I am filled with rage. I see a picture of her or her best friends and I am filled with resentment. I go down her road and my soul is filled with a venomous loathing. I see her in the hallway and my body is crippled by frustration
I spent a year and half of my life loving you…I will hate you for the rest of it.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey guys, I just wanna take a quick moment and thank everyone for their time and reviews. And to Chaos77 I actually had a rough draft of this a few weeks when I stunpled upon the OCD poem and obviously you can tell where I drew inspiration from Heilbron's poem; I did leave a disclaimer in the bottom of this work but it did not save (I guess). And IMT glad to know that it had the effect that it did on some of y'all, I love being able to immerse people into my writings and I like to know I can do that. Again, thanks all of you.
The way that you have written this is great, I have only read something from one other person that so completely immerses the reader into the world of the writer. The pain was there, the love was there and I could picture how much this girl meant to the writer and how much it hurt when it all went to hell. Like watching the dawning of a beautiful day and then having it hail and flood the world around you.
Very well done and I look forward to reading more by you.
This was awesome but the first couple of paragraphs and a couple of random sentences in the narrative really reminded me of the poem OCD by Neil Hilborn that he performed in a poetry slam. I really think that if you haven't seen it, you should go watch it on YouTube because when I read the first sentence of your narrative, I honestly thought it was the poem OCD. There are a lot of similarities between your narrative and the poem OCD but it was still really good.
Hi!
Firstly, this is really brilliant writing, top notch stuff! I know what it's like to go through a horrible break up so I felt like I could really relate to a lot of this. I have also suffered with depression in the past so those first few lines about the silence, that really rang true for me as well. I thought you described that beautifully. The way your ex was able to rid you of all your crappy feelings, you did a great job describing how it felt and what it meant to you.
I thought a part of the letter that was particularly powerful was when you started directly addressing her. Then you moved back into speaking about her in third person and wrapped it up nicely with the final line being directed at her. It really added to the intensity and drama of the letter and your anger and annoyance shone through in the harsh way you spoke of/to her.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Breaking up is never going to be easy but it sounds like you had a really hard time of it. I get the sense that you still have some relatively strong feelings about her, I don't think you'd get so frustrated if you didn't. That's perfectly natural I think. I have friends that I don't speak to at all anymore and it makes me angry too. It's such a peculiar feeling encountering someone who used to be one of the most important people in your life and now they're practically a stranger. It's a difficult emotion to deal with and one that's very hard to describe but I think you did a fantastic job of articulating your feelings here.
You are an incredibly talented writer, please keep it up! I'd love to read some more things you've written!
Faithless
This is a great writing. As a reader, I can feel the hope, love and pain in every word. It is not hard to relate to feelings or situations such as this one. Very powerful text.
The transitions in this are amazing. You went from third person to first person (if that's correct) so fast. First you were saying things like ' but when I saw her', then it went to 'I remember the way you left'. Great stuff. Another transition I would like to point out is you and the girl in general, first you were friends, then in love, and lastly you hated each other. However you can tell there are still strong feelings there for each other. Or at least you to her. 'I see her in the hallway and my body is crippled by frustration'. That tells us right away there are still powerful feelings at work here. This was a great teen love story. Great.