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Tired

by magiccharm2002


I'm tired,

and I don't know what to do.

I can't sleep,

and I just want to see you.

But I can't.......

Cause you don't care.

You left me in the dark.

and you have no heart to spare.

I continue on.

but I'm not really here.

I don't feel much, 

but I do feel fear.

I fear being left alone,

so please don't leave me here.

So that I can be fine.

Or else I'll be gone.


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Mon Sep 10, 2018 7:21 pm
mmatoms says...



This is very good. I like the way it expressed emotions. I can feel the hurt and the anger many of us has gone through. No matter what happens though remember someone loves you.




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Sat Sep 08, 2018 12:15 am
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AriannaC wrote a review...



Hello. I'm Ari and I chose to review your work today because I am going through a similar situation. First, let me tell you that I love you, Jesus loves you, most animals love you, and your family loves you. You couldn't be alone even if you wanted to be. Message me if you want to talk. <3

For the subject matter, I thought this was cute. It could be better. Your writing style isn't very expressive, you could have used words like PAIN and VOID, for example, to make the reader see what you are feeling. I understand its hard to beginner writers to express emotion. My number one tip for you is this; READ LOTS OF BOOKS!! Especially the ones where the main character goes through a traumatic or emotional experience. Take mental notes of words, writing styles,grammar, expression, anything you can soak in.



HAVE AN AMAZING DAY/NIGHT!!!!




magiccharm2002 says...


Hello! Thanks for your comments its really nice to hear that.This poem was definitely less expressive to my normal works. Try reading some of my other works, they are definitely more descriptive. Over all, thanks for your input! I'll definitely try to work on this one to try and perfect it.



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Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:31 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey magic!

Totally a relateable poem for anyone who has felt the pain of heart-break.

So let's see what I can say in terms of reviewing:

Meaning
I interpreted this poem to be about a speaker who has just went through some sort of heartbreak (or anticipates going through a heartbreak)I don't read anything that necessarily indicates it's a romantic sort of loss - so it might be the loss of a personified job or alter-ego, family member, friend, or relationship. Now with that loss they feel a sense of fear at being alone, and are worried lose themselves without this "other" in their life.

Form
Your form was consistent all the way through (in the form of punctuation and capitalization) which is great because it makes a piece feel polished and clean to read. The only hiccup was the random use of ellipses in line 5. First off, the grammatical convention for ellipses is just three dots unless it follows a period - in which case it can be four. And although poetry is totally! allowed to stretch grammatical rules for meaning - I don't think the extra dots added much meaning for me, and actually looked a bit unclean, because I wasn't sure why the pause was being indicated. I'd recommend just removing them altogether or shortening to three or four dots.

Imagery/Metaphor/Poetic Devices
Your main poetic device being used was rhyming - which really improved the flow the piece and added some character and originality. I didn't spot much in the form of metaphor or imagery - and I think adding these would make your poem a bit more original; and that originality will help your poem from sounding cliche. We've all read the "I'm sad someone left" poems - I've written quite a few myself! So it's hard to be original in this category. One thing that can really help though is painting unique metaphors or imagery. What does it feel like to not be able to sleep? Is there a metaphor you could pain? What does "alone" look like and feel like? Try to dig a bit deeper into these emotions for your speaker and I think it'll make your poem stand out more.

Specificity
Lastly, my main suggestion for this poem would be to add more specificity. As is, this poem is fairly generic. In fact it was so generic that I couldn't figure out who the speaker had lost - a dog? a friend? a job? a car? While sometimes people think that making a poem generic will make it easier to connect with more people, it actually does the opposite because it gives people less to connect to. Whereas if you would delve into the specificity of the character and conflict, then you'll heighten the poems ability to emotionally connect to a reader and make it more memorable. Some ways to add more specificity would be to describe the feelings with more than one word. Rather than saying "I am tired" or "I feel fear" could you describe what those feelings feel like? That's the work of poetry, is to delve deeper into what is obvious, and to really stretch feelings and images. Even describing the relationship between the person and what they lost would go a long way in making readers feel like they could connect to the speaker. As is, I don't don't feel all that bad for the speaker, because I don't know what they've lost.

I've written an article on specificity if you're interested in more ways to add specificity to poetry, and why it helps make poems come alive: Specificity in Poetry

Overall Impressions
Overall this is a poem that communicates sadness, that is very clear. I think you've done well in exploring different emotional layers that come with loss - and I'm very interested in how you might work on developing this poem further to strengthen the emotional and narrative impact!

Let me know if you have any questions about my review - and good luck in your future writing!

-alliyah

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Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:20 pm
LadyAstella wrote a review...



This is a very simple but very heart felt poem. The heartbreak is very real and it is very relatable. My favorite part of your poem is "I fear being left alone, so please don't leave me here." This is a very short sentence with a big meaning, it's beautiful. I'll continue reading your work because I feel you are doing very good so keep up the good work! I hope you have good things in the future! This has been another review form Lady Astella.




magiccharm2002 says...


Thank you!



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Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:16 pm
slurringsugars wrote a review...



Hiya, I'm Jess.

I would just like to say this piece is pretty relatable. It could be seen as romantic or just losing a friendship. The lines:

I'm tired,

and I don't know what to do.

I can't sleep,

and I just want to see you.

These hit me hard because that's how the past week has been for me. I'm relating to this in a romantic way though. It's simple but it shows a true point that many people have gone through and have felt.
I also like:

I fear being left alone,

so please don't leave me here.

This is also relatable and I feel like many have felt. It's a sort of personal pleading that you know they won't here, but you would like them to.
Overall, this is a really great piece, and I am sorry that someone made you feel this way, but you made this out of it. :) I would like to read some more of your writings!

Sincerely, slurringsugars




magiccharm2002 says...


Thanks, it means a lot!



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Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:21 am
hermione2001 says...



This was really powerful and moving. I really connected with the poem especially the part about fear. I also loved the rhyme scheme because it fit in perfectly with the flow of the poem. I hope things get better!




magiccharm2002 says...


Thank you! I hope things get better too!



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Fri Sep 07, 2018 12:39 am
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kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.

fatigue and insomnia being an obvious theme to the poem is a feeling we all experience. I always wake up and still be tired, forcing myself to go to anywhere. however, I just want lay down and continue sleeping until the end of time. the fear of loneliness and being forgotten are also something dreamers experience for when we are dreaming, we are always alone with our thoughts.

"I don't feel much,

but I do feel fear.

I fear being left alone,

so please don't leave me here.

So that I can be fine.

Or else I'll be gone."

This was my favorite part. the message of depression was well described. the symbolisms of loneliness and being abandoned is a thing people with depression feel when they have the world crushing onto their shoulders. many of us don't want to fade from existence but every day we would feel that way and we just want to keep on moving.

this was a really good read. I hope to read more of your work.




magiccharm2002 says...


Thank you! Your review was really appreciated!




We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy