The ground gave way beneath me.
Soon I was out of sight.
As I fell beneath the rolling sea,
the darkness enveloped me.
Now covered in a blanket of shivering sorrow,
silent tears came from my eyes,
mixing with the salty water above me.
I fell unmoving, frozen,
as my breath slowly left me,
suffocating just below the surface.
I waited to be saved,
but I knew, no one would ever come.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
Hey, I made a some changes. Most likely it still needs some work but I think it turned out ok. Also, thank you all for your input. It was very helpful.
Yo!
Youngcamus here with another review. My reviews are not meant to criticize, but to help you flourish and grow as a writer.
This poem tackles an important and touching subject and I admire that. Your form is a little off, for example, your capitalization comes and goes.
"The ground gave way beneath me.
soon I was out of sight."
In this case, "soon" needs to be capitalized. The poem is lacking in detail. Instead of telling us you're cold, show us you're cold. Instead of saying
"So cold I couldn't move" describe the symptoms of being cold.
For example,
"I couldn't stop shivering. My legs were shaking so much I couldn't move" something of that nature.
Not bad overall. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for the input! Also, don't be afraid to speak your mind in your reviews because every bit of everyone's opinions matter to me. they also help me to become better. Plus i have always sucked at grammar.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
I like how this poem compares depression and anxiety to suddenly feeling as if one is under water and in need of help. The poem captures the essence of this experience very well and conveys the feeling of helplessness involved.
Suggestions:
The ground gave way beneath me.
[S]oon I was out of sight.
As I fell beneath the sea[,]
the dark [was] so overwhelmingly
cold I couldn't move.
I couldn't breath.
[I was ]suffocating just below the surface,
waiting to be saved,
[but I knew], no one [would ever] come.
[This keeps it in the past tense in which it started.]
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
I forgot to say this earlier, but thank you for your opinion. It helps me a lot!
Hey there magiccharm2002.
Funky username.
My first big issue with this poem, is of course, the structure. That's pretty much always my first issue with any poem.
- If you have stanzas, make them more clearly defined.
- If you don't have stanzas, here's the formatting that's running through my head.
I know that some of the stanzas are a little bit short this way, but the natural break is coming with each sentence.
Then this brings me to the format of the capitalization, which tilts back and forth and is just kind of distracting. Start the sentence with caps and have the following line beginnings be undercase. Or just have it all be undercase. But I think this is going to be the best way to go here:
Then there's the message of the poem and the subject matter, which isn't particularly original, but dramatic and personal enough to cover what's going on. I'm not drawing much emotion from the poem, since it seems to be focusing more on the imagery than it is on emotions.
The ground swallowing a person is common.
If you want to utilize the emotion, I would take it a step farther and describe it further.
There's nothing really wrong with short poems but I think if you want to get the most out of this poem, the best thing to do is extend it.
It's kind of hard to explain how but drop me a line in PM, and I'll find a few sample poems to show what I mean.
Sorry I can't be of more help atm.
- Lizz
Thank you! Your help is definitely worth while to read and a lot of help. Especially since I am Actually very new to the world of poetry. I have to say though that my first poem I posted "Love" was definitely better than this one. It was actually my first poem ever. Also, this one was kind of like a venting session on a whim. So if there is any ways that I can improve it then I will.
Hello, this is a very personal poem, which I admire. I think that it accurately explains how many people with depression can feel very secluded and alone.. well done.
On the other end, I wish you could explain more of how the water is "cold" and "dark", and how alone they must feel in that moment knowing that no one will come. I think it could really help to bring awareness to the emotional struggles that many people with mental illness have when they are at their worst.
Very good job, keep it up.
Thank you! Ill definitely keep that in mind.