I laugh and smile like everyone else.
I drink and dance until I’m out.
I feel so good it’s like I’m high,
but really I’m dying inside.
None of this distracts my mind,
cause deep inside I know,
happiness is a fleeting thing.
So please, just let me go.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hey, magiccharm2002! Lupa here for a rusty review.
Let's get right to it.
1)
What confuses me is your use of "completely out" as an adjective. Does it mean that the narrator is exhausted? Drained of energy? Weary? Any of the suggested adjectives would work nicely, but your word choice is pretty vague and not generally used in that way.
That being said, I do like how you use the "like everyone else" in the first line to show that the narrator is different from the others. It's subtle, yet meaningful.
2)
I'm wondering about your rhyme scheme in this poem. There are some lines that seem like they rhyme (high, inside; know, go), but it never sticks. If this is a free verse, you could change your wording a little to make sure your readers don't get confused.
3) What does the narrator want to be released from? It's hinted throughout the poem that it could be depression or something of the sort, but it also seems like he's condemning happiness in the second-to-last line.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem! It's really emotional and I do like the "happiness is a fleeting thing" line because it's so true. Keep on writing!
XOX,
Lupa22
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Wow! This is a very pleasant and profound poem which expresses a truth about our human psychological condition. You managed to convey the sad mood that the situation demands. As humans we ca all identify with this situation. We strive to put on a happy face or whistle in the dark to keep up appearances while we might be dying inside. I like that you don't capitalize the first letter of each line. Makes reading flow much smoother via enhancing understanding of what is meant. Love that very powerful ending!
Suggestions
Removing the word "completely" would improve flow and be more metrically accurate.
I feel so good its like i'm high
[I feel so good it[']s like i'm high . . . .]
. . . . because deep inside I know, . . . .
[. . . . cause deep inside I know, .. ..]
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
BTW
Reminded me of the story of the man who went to a psychiatrist and to get rid of his profound sadness. The psychiatrist told him to go watch the famous clown Pagliacci who always brought happiness to all who watched his shows.
"I cannot do that!" the man responded sadly.
"Why not?" the doctor asked.
"Because I am the clown Pagliacci!"
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/arthur-c ... 79660.html
Thank you for your editing suggestions. I do like them very much. Also, I very much like that story. Thanks for sharing it.
Hello! I'm NerdTrash6000, and I'm happy I had the opportunity to read your poem.
To begin, I can't really find any big mistakes that need addressing. Your poem is short and sweet, with such a nice use of language that the reader can't help but feel mystified by the end of it. The flow is very, very natural, and it paints very clear pictures in the mind of the reader.
I did however notice a couple of things that resonated with me, but the things I'm going to point out are just suggestions and not meant to be taken as a declaration of what it should be.
I noticed that on some lines, you don't capitalize the "i" in "I'm" but in others, you do, and for lines 1, 2, 3, and 5, the first letter of the first line is capitalized. It just seemed somewhat inconsistent, but of course, you might have a reason for doing this since the capitalization highlights more important lines. I'd suggest going back and capitalizing the I in I'm, and thinking about capitalizing the first letter of the first word of each line.
Otherwise, I don't think I can pick out bad things about your poem. Bravo! Very nicely done!
Thank you for your input. Any advice I can get is helpful tome because it lets me know what others like so that I can make it better suited to the audience.