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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Nice use of language.
It is really unique how you used left and right to signify political parties to begin with, but I would flip stanzas two and one in order to first ease us into the typical thing we are used to and then show us how Left wing vs Right wing opposes. I didn't see that it was Left vs Right political parties until much later in the poem, and it made me trip. Another way that you could indicate it, is capitalize Left and Right when they mean the political sides. This will clear things up for the reader and the double play of the words is still just as brilliant because you use them the other way in the next, or first, stanza.
I love how at the end you use all of the negative stereotypes instead of the positive ones like Democratic, or For the People, or Conservative. Instead using the things like fascist and communist really can shock the reader if they don't understand the core of the terms and draw them into the poem, or make them gawk at your words.
As for a review, I would strongly suggest dropping the visual part of the poem just because it doesn't need it. It looks like a lot of work and it doesn't really work on YWS that well, so just let it go, let it left align and know that you've got it centered where you want it. Also being anal about the structure of lines can really make you miss some opportunities to show readers new breaks and the structure can be tedious to work around.
Hey Lyssie! I'm going to do a stanza by stanza review. I'll intersperse this with my thoughts and feelings about the poem, sort of like a test audience. Here we go!
Stanza One
Right off the bat you challenge old ideas and make it clear how you feel. This stirs emotions and gets the reader interested. We like to see old thoughts challenged, and we like to see the little sparring match between them even more. One thing I will say, I think this poem was designed to be centered to the page. I suggest you use these HTML tags: [code]
Stanza Two
Here you support your idea. It feels a little redundant to me, you've expressed most of this in the first stanza. Let's get to the meat of the poem quickly!
Stanza Three
In stanza three you express an idea I want to see in stanza four. We don't get to see the various ways love is in shades of grey, so it doesn't really hold much merit to us.
Stanza Four
Nice use of metaphor. The punctuation through me off, though. For instance, the 'that' in the first line was very awkward. Read this stanza out loud and look for ways to make it feel less cumbersome.
Stanza Five
This was my favorite stanza in the poem. The pacing is perfect, you use great imagery, and you leave us feeling haunted.
Stanza Six
This stanza gets sort of political, and it didn't seem accessible to me. I can understand how love is fascist, but fascist and communist are not the same. I didn't grasp it well, but that could just be me interpreting it poorly.
Stanza Seven
This is the first sense of continuity I get in the poem, between lines six and seven. To me, the rest feels like a collection of ideas that could stand on their own. Here your ideas are supported by that continuity, and it feels more reasonable.
Overall, you express your theme strongly. Sometimes the wording was strange, but that can be improved on now that you have your idea expressed clearly. Keep writing, and good work!
I was trying to continue the theme of "right" - communism vs "left" fascism. So that's why i wrote : You're "right" to be a communist and say we should be the same. Then in the next line I noted that we weren't communists, but polar opposites. Make sense?
Here's Philosopha's review for you
Excellent poem. Not only do you have a fluent rhyme scheme, but the rhymes are clever and hold the poem together neatly. I truly enjoyed reading this.
Now for some constructive criticism: Overall this is a well rounded poem. Nothing strikes me as edgy or obstructive. Where you can go from here in future works is refining any loose vocab that may not sit right (In terms of rhyme scheme). Make your poems into perfectly cut precious gem stones. I think you would be good as a perfectionist.