I hear you stomping on my roof.
I hear you fighting, nail and tooth.
You spin, to make me look a fool,
like loosened threads upon a spool.
But why should I be made to see,
What you, yourself, would disbelieve?
Why throw my caution to your wind,
just to be snuffed out again?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi, lyssiekins!
I like this. It's reasonably shorter than some, but it's equally as interesting. I do agree with Deanie, though. I don't know what this is about in its entirety, although I know of a few great pieces of published poetry that have the same problem and were fine. It depends, I suppose.
The only other thing I have to say is that you keep up with the rhyme scheme perfectly until the last stanza. While that's okay--that stanza is my favorite of the four, actually--maybe you should work on that.
Other than that, this is great. Keep writing!
~Rocky
Yes, I changed it so the rhythm would work and then the rhyme didn't anymore. No wI have changed it again so hopefully they both work. Thank you for your insight!
Hi Lyssiekins,
This is a nice poem. It's reasonably short, but it's still good! The rhythm and flow and rhyme are almost perfect as well.
I'm not too sure what you are talking about though. First I thought this poem was being forced to believe something that you didn't want to. And whoever or whatever was forcing you to think this way was angry, and determined. But then at the end, with the last stanza, I started to think it was about taking a risk, although you've taken them before and you've been hurt. It confused me a little :S But I'm sure there is a meaning, and that I'm just not getting it myself.
And now just a little correction with the flow. It was all good, just the last stanza had a little hiccup. You see, the flow is perfect, and the key to that is in syllables. If you count yours yourself, you should find that every line has exactly eight syllables. Wonderful. But in the last stanza, the first line has nine syllables (one too many) and the last has only seven (one too little.) I think you if you fix that, this poem would be flawless in terms of flow. You might need to change the word order a little bit to get there.
But this was a nice poem, and keep writing!
Deanie x
Thanks I will change that, yeah its about an x trying to get me back, if that makes more sense to you.
Wow, nice job! I like the line, "Like loosened threads upon a spool." I have a few friends who can actually relate to this poem, and I like when people can actually feel connected to a writing. The last verse (is it called a verse?), "Why should I throw caution to the wind, Just to be snuffed out again," is beautiful. Superb. I really like it!
In poetry its called a stanza, in songs a verse