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12+

Dementia

by lyssiekins


Reach out and take a fate,
worse than death to blanch your pate.
Cursed to serve in a binded state,
Surrounded by those who serve you hate.

That you love and love and they've forgotten your face,
Can you remember how happiness tastes?
The world spinning faster around a slower pace,
That you take buried in a grave to your waist.

Given a cold shoulder, then a tearful embrace,
Passionate memories burned by kisses chaste.
These aren't wilting flowers in a vanquished vase,
These were never alive in the first place. 


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409 Reviews


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Reviews: 409

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:01 am
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Willard wrote a review...



Hey, yo, Lyssiekins! Strange here, again, on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
This was a very blissful poem. It's sweet, and blunt. It captures tragedy in the subject that it's being dealt with, Dementia, or maybe I'm wrong, but I'll get to that later. I like that this is short, and those two adjectives that I said before. It's really in classic taste of one of those poems that you'll read in Middle School English. The whole message that I got out of this is that "It was never really there." Your mind was never really there. Now, I hope you know, this can be a really good love poem, describing the love between two that ended tragically. The love was never quite there, nor was the narrators mind. I really like that part. There is nothing wrong with how you described, or showed the effects of this poem. It's nice, and right on. A lot about this poem is well done. Going along the lines of being short, meaningful, nice, and sweet. You hit it in all the sweet spots. That's what a poem should do, and you did it. Sorry if this seems quite repetitive, but my mind is full right now on Review Day. I really liked this poem, and will start following you after I write this review. Once again, good job.
Strange gives you...
8.7/10
Great job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.


#TheFaultInOurReviews




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133 Reviews


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Reviews: 133

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Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:01 pm
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ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello, Chips here with a review.

You have a very interesting concept here. I like how you've organized your poem so that each stage holds a certain time and emotion to it. Rhyme schemes can be quite tricky to use but I think in this instance, you've used it well as it wasn't overbearing in your poem. The wording was lovely also.

However I do have some suggestions which may be of help to you.

"Reach out and take a fate,
worse than death to blanch your pate.
Cursed to serve in a binded state,
Surrounded by those who serve you hate."

I thought this was a good opening but you have a spelling error, "binded", was meant to be written as, *blinded*. It also makes more sense that way so remember to spell-check your works afterwards.

"That you love and love and they've forgotten your face,"

This line's wording wasn't very clear, perhaps it may be because you began the sentence with, "That". Instead of repeating the word, "love", maybe try *cherish* ?

"These aren't wilting flowers in a vanquished vase,
These were never alive in the first place."

This was my favorite part of your poem, it was very thought provoking in my view. It almost summarized dementia in the most poetic way.

Overall lovely poem, I hope this review was of help to you. Keep Writing!

--Chips




lyssiekins says...


Thanks so much. I did mean binded, as another past tense version of bind, instead of bound you see. It's kind of not a word but I am using my poetic license lol. The reason I repeated love was to show that the person who is being forgotten keeps trying, and trying to no avail. Thanks for your review!




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