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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Evening! Here to help hopefully.
First of all I don't understand the connection between the title and the actual poem. It doesn't
Relate for me. I would have called it ever green or something - not that I'm a poet in any way, shape or form!
However, I really did get the feeling of jealousy through your words. I suppose I also heard a lot of anger as well. It sounds like you we're pretty mad when you wrote this and it all just spilled out onto the page!!
Overall, I liked it. I just didn't get the title.
Hope this helped!
Hi Lyssie kins! I'm June,
I don't know what to make of this poem. Clearly your goal was to tell a message while maintaining a rhyme, which you've successfully done here. However, I'm not a fan of the usage of the repetitively accusatory "You, you, you" along the edges of the first stanza-- it feels immature and angry, and the insults, cheap and childish.
The second stanza confuses me more, and the last line of the poem makes me feel like you threw it in there just for the sake of rhyme, although the title suggests that's what ties the title to the poem. I always tell my students and everyone I come close to mentoring in poetry to put their best foot forward by putting MESSAGE, not style first, because even if your rhyme becomes inconsistent, as it does here, you'll have a much more solid poem in terms of literary merit.
Best,
June
Ever- Green as in jealousy. Pine as in 1. To feel a lingering, often nostalgic desire.
2. To wither or waste away from longing or grief: pined away and died.
Does it make more sense now?
I like this poem. It's short and sweet. I particularly like the first stanza. The title captivated me from the beginning. I love the line, "You broke back this mountain of mine."
It really portrays being knocked back. I can totally relate to the feeling of jealousy you've created. Well done.
I agree with Blackwood. The title seems out of place, mostly because theres no ivy to be jealous. The first line is fierce and insulting. I like it. The second reminds me too much of the movie broke back mountain *giggles* and the imagery seems out of place for a poem whose title is about jealous leaves. The next two lines are good, perhaps, you could do without "only". First stanza rhyme scheme: 10/10
I see what your trying to do at the beginning of the second stanza. I like. Sadly, your rhyme scheme goes to poop after that :c The rest of this stanza doesn't really make sense to me. Or relate to the first stanza. For example, having stated that this cheating lover calculated the severity of what they were doing I would assume that they were the one who went and purposely hurt the speaker. I'd also want to know what this love is that this swine of a lover put on the preverbal line. I don't see how the evergreen and pine fit in either. I say revise!
Ever- Green as in jealousy. Pine as in 1. To feel a lingering, often nostalgic desire.
2. To wither or waste away from longing or grief: pined away and died.
Does it make more sense now?
The last line does now
Nice poem.
I don't see how the title relates at all though. Enlighten me?
This is a very relatable piece of work. It could be about a lost love or a trade of some sort. It is vague but just vague enough if you know what I mean. Interesting, I love how it sounds like someone from the past is speaking your word choice is excellent!