I'm waking up in my artificial night.
I have pain inside of me, I'm learning it's alright.
I lost love once again, when I thought I could finally win.
You promised me forever, then left me broken.
You said forever and always and then left my side.
You said you lost your feelings for me and you left me here to die.
I told you everything, I told you how I've loved before, you said you'd never leave. I was the girl you were looking for.
I see you now with other girls and become turning my shell.
My friends ask me why I'm so quite, I'm living through a secret hell.
I'm trying to move on, and it gets a little easier everyday.
I'm trying to find a replacement, but there is no way.
You were funny, You were sweet, You were genuine
You showed me how to prat, you loved your god.
My parents would have accepted you as their son-in-law.
What did i do to lose a person like this?
Do you remember our first kiss? The cold air numbing our faces as we chilled at the end of the pier.
Do you remember the night you first met my family? That was the night i realized you meant something ti me. And i thought i meant something to you.
I must have been dreaming because none of it was true.
I know i told you i wasn't angry, and I'm really not. I'm just suffering from a broken heart.
You fixed it before, maybe you could fix it again. I just can't still understand how this is the end.
I lay in this bed and wonder everyday. I left that nice boy for you. Maybe that's what you had to do.
But through all of this, I'll keep my promises true.
Even though your out of my life these feelings you gave me will never die.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Sorry to say i can't relate. But it sounds like you had the kind of love I would hope to have someday. And i'm shure that someday you'll find someone better. I've never seen a rant that looked so much like a well thought out poem, that has got to be a good oman. It's not quite the best pice I have ever seen, but it is defently poetry. Not a rant.
Aww.
Writing first, thoughts later.
To, yes? Also, your i's. It's poetry, so their being lowercase can be used to show your feelings about yourself as the piece goes from talking about the good times to the not-so-food current, but only if you're consistent. Here, look:
The first I is capitalized, but it's the beginning of a sentence, so that might be the reason for it. Then it's lowercase, lowercase, capital, capital! Whichever you do, capital or lowercase, it needs to be consistent. Grammar rules turn into guidelines in poetry, and the poet is given some artistic license with it, so you wouldn't need to capitalize the first I if you go all lowercase. But it needs to be consistent.
You're. Apostrophe in the place of the missing letter, yes? Your = it belongs to you. You're = you are.
Brad (Incandescence) once said something to the effect of 'Just because the rose dies doesn't mean the bloom was a lie.' Basically, simply because it didn't work out between you two doesn't mean you never shared a love for each other. It might be gone now, but it was there, so you weren't dreaming. It was all said, and it was all done. Stay tough, you'll pull through.
On the actual piece of writing, it's more of a story in poem format. The i's give it a somewhat poem-ish feel, but the word choices could be better. With poems, assonance and alliteration play big roles.
Alliteration is the grouping of words that have the same consonant sounds. For example, Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers.
Assonance is the same thing, but with vowels. Two lines from Little Bo Peep give an example:
Ee and ee in the first line, and oh and oh in the third.
Try to swap out your words so that you can get an equal balance of both assonance and alliteration going for you.
Something else to look at is onomatopoeia (On-no-mah-toe-pia). Tap, buzz, gnarled, zip, clap, all those words are examples of onomatopoeia. They sound like the thing they describe. When you zip up your coat, it makes a zipping sound, yes? And when a bee makes a buzzing noise, it really does sound like 'buzz'. And it's not just sound. You can take it a step further. Gnarled fingers sound how the fingers look, wouldn't you say? Soft is a breathy word, making it a soft word, while hard is held at the back of the mouth, made rough with the 'r' sound, and clipped with the 'd' sound at the end. Not soft at all. The two words can be used to evoke different feelings and emotions from your readers. Use them and the countless other words like them to deliver you point and make us feel what you the writer feels. Grip it and search for the correct grouping of sounds that describe it. Then take those and search for a word.
I look forward to seeing what you do with this.