This town is for people who aren't like me.
I cant wait till i can go and i can be free.
Friends; i'll miss ya and i hate goodbyes...
but i'll be in the city and that's where i'll hide.
This small town stuff just isn't for me.
I wanna live my life and live out my dreams.
I want a life worth smiling for, worth crying for.
But i feel like im just dying while i wait for it in this town.
This town, oh, its so cute.
But people inside will never be even close.
Hypercrits, liars, losers, and walking contradictions, they all are.
But here i am, waiting for the clock to strike 18 so i can run away.
I'll leave this small town and it's talk.
I'll pack up.
I'll remeber faces of memories, good and bad.
Return to my home, placed in this small town.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there!
You have some good ideas and the title is original. However, there are spelling + grammatical mistakes.
I've corrected some:
'I cant wait till i can go and i can be free.'
Why is the first "I" in capital letters but the ones in bold not?
'Friends; i'll miss ya and i hate goodbyes...'
Again, lacking capitals. And the whole 'miss ya' thing sounds really flippant.
This certainly has a flow. For some reason it sounds more like a song to me, because of the lack of description.
This town, oh, its so cute.
Apostrophe after the 't' in 'it's'. Cute seems the wrong word to use.
Hypercrits, liars, losers, and walking contradictions, they all are.
Hypocrites is the correct spelling.
My Advice:
Use poetic devices to enhance your poem's beauty and meaning. The most well known poetic device is rhyme. Rhyme can add suspense to your lines, enhance your meaning, or make the poem more cohesive. It can also make it prettier. Don't overuse rhyme. It's a crime. In fact you don't have to use rhyme at all. Other poetic devices include meter, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, and repetition. If you don't know what these are, you may want to look in a poetry book or search the internet. Poetic devices can make a poem or, if they bring too much attention to themselves, they can ruin it.
Good Luck!
xxx
Well, this isn't bad, but it could be better. I think Angel of Death was right: You focus on the rhyme instead of your word choice, and the piece suffers for it. I'd scrap the rhyme and focus on describing why you hate the town and its people with a little more depth. I second AoD's suggestion to capitalize I and clean up your spelling a little.
You have a good premise here, but you could improve it by going more in depth. Keep writing!
Hey there!
Thanks for the friend request and I love your avi.
You have a good start here but I feel that it pretty much fizzles after this. Also, make sure you use capitol letters, it should I'll and I'm. It seems like your worried about rhyming more than you're focusing on your thoughts. I want to see more feeling beyond this part and I think its a little rough but its okay. Let the words come to you and try not to you use slang or anything. Instead of ya it should be you.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, for your first poem and everything, its alright, just get more intact with your feelings and make them flow.
Good job and keep writing,
~Angel