it was here for just a short moment
time fleeting through some sort of
warp
the particles slipped away from the stem
leaving the wind only being able to brush
against my lips, leaving me in a state of
only one thing, memories
it was just a brief moment in between chaos
but the fluffy seeds flying away from the dandelion
just stuck with me in some short-lived fantasy
the feeling was only momentary
the memory just resting gently
the whole affair, just a brief spot
on a complicated timeline
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heya, Liz! Casanova here to do another review for you!
Anyway, the first thing I noticed about this one was that this is chapter three, and yet it has the journal entry number two. Chapter two had the journal entry number four, and that confuses me a bit. I would say you probably numbered your chapters out of order, and I would say go back and re-title them. Unless this wasn't a mistake, then I would suggest explaining why the switch up. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is the length. For a novel entry this is pretty average size, but for a novel chapter it seemed rather lacking. And I know in novels we're going to have those chapters that seem a lot less long than the previous chapters, but I think that you could have added more to this without any harm, and I actually think that it might have made it better to give us more information and more plot into the chapter.
Your character is still too unrealistically sophisticated, and I'm starting to resent the narrator for that but I guess things happen.
Anyway, your plot I still like the idea of, but I feel like you could be going about it i a different way that doesn't make it seem as boring.
That's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Your battle partner, Crowley
Hm. I didn't realize the journal was in computer form. Was she dictating/talking about everything? That would explain the strange speech patterns, but it really wouldn't explain why her to-do list on number five has so many exclamation marks. Did she scream the to-do list at the top of her lungs?
This was all incredibly overwhelming from the very beginning. I mean, the readers understood that she could do cool stuff since she was a witch, but it starts to raise eyebrows when you mention house elves, ghosts, a fire, and a Christmas party. I guess you have to be familiar with the Harry Potter world? I'm not sure, I never got past Philosophers' Stone. Some explanation that isn't in the form of an info dump would be great--probably a considerably longer introduction than the one we got at first. If you're wondering how to provide information without seeming info-dumpy, it's actually quite easy; just make it into a little story. Perhaps have the narrator detail a problem their parent caused and have her explore the house in order to solve it. Bothersome, I know, but it does a lot and keeps the reader...well, reading.
Ah, I wish I could hear Holmes talk. He'd comment sarcastically or wittily about everything, depending on your interpretation of the character. You really ought to do more show than tell--I mean, you've told us that your main character is intimately associated with her vision of Sherlock Holmes, but what proof do we have? We have no memory of Sherlock Holmes solving any of her problems, not even a line of conversation between the two.
Still, this was better than the last chapter. It has a spark of personality in it, and adds more context to the world. Though it could definitely be better.
Onward,
--EM.
Hello! Happy Review Day. c:
I haven't read the previous chapters, so do feel free to ignore any sudden predictions!
In the beginning of this, it was sudden. Like, at first there is a fire. Then it goes to saying the house elves were making cookies when suddenly the flying horses came and got their harnesses on fire. Wow. That itself seems like a rollercoaster. Also, the beginning seems to be a tad bit funny. Just imagining the trolls trying to get the fire out.
Haha.Anyway. As a suggestion, don't indent. Even though it is probably best to indent with school papers or something, when writing a chapter don't indent. Unless you must.I feel as if the ending of the beginning is repetitive. Like the reader can understand that the day is going to be wonderful, just explain it already. I read somewhere that the beginning of any novel or short story or magazine article, it should grab the reader's attention. It can literally be the what the reader thinks of the whole novel and if they want to continue reading it.
For some reason, I want to know more about her room. It feels weird just knowing about her posters. What else does the narrator have inside her room? It might be better if explain that. Give the image of her to the readers.
Even though this is some nice information, I don't think we need to know it. Like junk mail - we threw it out or ignore it.
In my personal opinion, this seems to be read from Isaac's POV. For some reason, he could reading the narrator's diary or something. I could be wrong. It just feels like he would be the one to do so.
You seemed to have repeated the party planning is going 'well'.
Spoiler
The ending of this chapter seems a bit... confusing. I think I get that the computer is shutting down, but why? Also, since when do people write their diaries online? I would write mine down on paper or something.
Overall, I think this was a funny chapter. It gave some insight on the narrator's life. Who is the party for? You might've explained it in the first chapter.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
The wonderful day part was just a dose of my sarcasm. I was writing on a computer because it was a change from my usual media. I was going to explain later but I might as well now. I stated in the first chapter the log hadn't been touched in years. That was because I did touch it years ago, when the journal was still I a notebook. I accidentally brought the memories to life which prompted me to use a computer this time. I'm using the dictation program because I'm always to tired or lazy to type. The note to Isaac was typed in another window but I decided to include it for the humor. The first chapter was my explanation of the journal, my powers, and the lore about my powers.
Thanks for the review.
-lizzy
Take out the first 'in', it'll be better read.
This is really the only mistake I saw within this whole thing. I least the only thing I saw questionable. One thing I wish though, is that it had a little more information.
Wow this is interesting. I'm going to have to read the 12th day before Christmas. I hoping it holds some information on what going on and why Ms. McGovern started the journal entries.
I would like it if you'd tag me in this when you update. The title caught my interest and the words solidified my dedication on reading more.
Keep writing while I'll review and good luck shuggs. Tottles.
The first chapter explains most everything and contains most of the lore I wrote to go with the story universe. Thanks for the review. I usually write chapters for this every month or so, but then I fell behind. I'll probably have another soon.
-lizzy
Just don't forget to tag me. Oh and I've read and reviewed it shuggs.