bw

hello, it is late and i should be in bed, so this review is going to be as succinct as i can possibly make it.

welcome to YWS!

conceptually, this poem poses interesting potential, but the impact and ideas it hopes to convey fall flat. this, partially, i think is because the very slam-poetry voice leads the poet to assume a very narrative air--it's not particularly emotive, and i am not encouraged to re-read it in a search for the emotion i am looking for. there is a arc of resolution in the piece, definitely, with the poet starting out at a point A [my world is black and white] to point B [black and white (difficulty, obstacle, struggle?) exist but they are of my choosing]. i'm left searching for the air of resignation mixed with the determined air of conquest, but the way the poem reads is just ... angst.

that is not to say that angst is bad--it is an emotion, and like all emotions, i feel it deserves to be voiced. however, it is vague--and although angst in general tends to be swathed in ambiguity, precisely because it's difficult to trace its existence back to a source, i would like if we explored the black and white concept more. i associate the idea of black and white with compartmentalisation, but the poet also mentions an 'unending grey', so i understood this to be in reference to a lack of colour altogether. what i think would make this poem stronger is if it were more concise--my poems tend to be long and winding, but i think what betrays this particular piece is its length, because halfway through my attention falters. i don't have a reason to empathise with the narrator; i cannot understand their struggle, although it is implied that the reason this black and white exists is partially because the poetic voice has grown accustomed to it and sticks to it by force of habit, or because they have made their peace with it--both of which are not completely dissimilar concepts.

i don't know exactly what 'it' is, or why it is important. i could think of it as depression, which would be the most ... blatant way of thinking about this poem, perhaps, but it strikes me as a black and white way of exploring an experience that is more often than not reduced to a singularity. depression can take a wide variety of forms--for some people, it can be coupled with apathy, and everyone has a different way of coping. the word 'choose' does not sit well with me if this perception of the poem holds to be the one the poet had in mind, because 'choose' implies that there was a choice involved, and i do not think anyone has ever had free agency in this respect. if it is a choice in terms of finding a coping mechanism, or just general acceptance, then it makes sense, but the poet says they choose 'it', and the idea that mental illness is a choice just makes me vastly uncomfortable, as does the general, broad-spectrum view this poem tries to take. (apologies if this poem comes from personal experience, but it would be nice if there was a more personal touch to it? as opposed to just a play with the colour motif. the strongest line in the piece was 'But i can't imagine any other life'--it was honest, it was vulnerable, and it was packed with more emotion than the general ambiguity in the rest of the piece.)

i think this has potential as a slam poetry piece, but you need to give the reader something more tangible to attach themselves to. a concrete experience (which does not necessarily have to be conveyed in concrete, narrative terms). experiment with this. play with images and ideas. it's fantastic to see you posting--and being on the literary spotlight already, wow! i hope to see more work from you soon.

i hope this helped. keep writing! keep up the good work!

cheers,

pomp x

Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to offend you, hurt you, or demean you, or your story that said brace yourself!

1. Praise
Amazing! This is excellent for your first work. I guess we can all agree we know no other life then this one, and until (Spoiler alert for christitan believes) God takes us to or knew paradise this will be the only one we know.

2. Sentence and Grammar
Okay first of all, I know this is a poem but I always think it makes them look better to have your i's capital. Okay grammar done with (whew even for me it's a touchy subject) I think this sentence could use some work

You would think that i dream that someday

Hopefully

Okay using that twice in the same sentence doesn't seem right either way it would sound better with of.

You would think that I dream of someday seeing the fall leaves.

Also somehow this doesn't seem right

My mindset is a trillion miles and a hundred grey oceans away.

I'd remove that grey, the sentece sounds better without it

My mindset is a trillion miles, and a hundred oceans away.

See the difference?

Oh one other thing, you use chase more then once and although it is only three times, you have other words like chase that would better make your point.

Keep writing! You seem promising!

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

To me the poem seems to be describing a person who is being criticized for his single- minded dedication to a goal. Others who witness such a single-minded dedication might tag it as being obsessive. They might advise the person to add more diversity or color to his life by adding other interests they might consider of far more value.

Yet the speaker tells us that nothing that anyone tells him will dissuade him from that single-minded goal. It reminds me of how Bobby Fisher pursued the goal of becoming world Chess Champion while ignoring everything else.

BTW

Please note that the poem does not need to tell me specifically what the goal is for me to feel both the frustration of the people giving the speaker well -meaning counsel and the frustration of the person being constantly subjected to such suggestions.

I felt determination of someone who is convinced that he is right and resists all efforts to dissuade him. I felt the frustration of those who might be forced to see a loved one ruin himself while being unable to do anything about it because their advice is ignored.



Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
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Hi again! I just realized after reading your other work that this is your first work. And I must say. I'm amazed. This is some next level stuff. Befor anything I just wanna say you have the most creative titles and that's really a huge thing when writing. Because that's what's really going to grab in the attention of people. The poem itself presents itself as a sort of relatable piece. Especially combining the entirety of the poem with just the last line. That the black and white world, or the world that is not the usual one, void of all colors, was one where the protagonist chose to live, not forced to. Like they wanted to turn away from the world. Now that I've read your other poem, it's kind of interesting, how in this poem they say that they live in a black and white world, while in your next one they are in the car with the light giving off the orange hue. I don't think it was intentional, but i like to think of it as the protagonist lives in the black and white world, alone and void of any colors or excitement in her life, and then they meet this person and as they get closer and something sparks. The protagonist finally gets some color, or excitement in their life, the orange hue symbolizing this.
What really added effect was towards the end, the choice of wording.

"I can't take a break from my lifelong chase.
I won't"

It's like the way you placed the can't and the won't. You would expect it the other way, as in if they cannot will not accomplish something it's because they cant but you're presenting it like as if the protagonist knows she cannot accomplish this, and so she won't. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but hey. I really like that idea. In the last line I'm not sure if you intended the choose to be in the past or present. It could be a spelling error, but I'm not really the kind to point those out. I honestly don't mind for spelling errors. They don't ruin the actual flow of the poem.

Your works, the ones I've read atleast, are seriously some deep works of art. Really liking them. Keep writing. I hope to read more of your works soon.

-Stor