alleyway.

hey lilithyoung, Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem, I love the vivid imagination here. The poem in itself seems incomplete, it leaves you wanting a lot more from the two characters. how do I say this, this is so promising that it makes the reader mad for not having anything more to go on, the orange hue, the cold winter night, an intimate scene between two young lovers, it's a bit cliched but it gets me every time. maybe you can stretch it out a bit more, or write a short story on the subject you had in mind, kudos for the imagination.

hey lilithyoung, Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem, I love the vivid imagination here. The poem in itself seems incomplete, it leaves you wanting a lot more from the two characters. how do I say this, this is so promising that it makes the reader mad for not having anything more to go on, the orange hue, the cold winter night, an intimate scene between two young lovers, it's a bit cliched but it gets me every time. maybe you can stretch it out a bit more, or write a short story on the subject you had in mind, kudos for the imagination.

Welcome to the forum. Happy to have you among us!

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Wow! This is really good! Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem about two people necking in a car while the world outside is bathed in an orange hue from a streetlight.

I like the way you use the fog and the word “steam” to convey the emotional fervor of the amorous situation. The streetlight humming also gave it a sizzling touch. . If indeed not literal at least that’s the way the two lovers feel on an emotional level. So the imagery served to convey both the surreality and the fervor involved quite effectively.

I also like the way in which the relationship is elevated beyond just the carnal by indicating that their souls, or inner selves, are also in contact or in harmony. That makes the relationship special.
In fact, it is the most crucial part of the poem.

Suggestions

If there is any way that the genders of the two can be indicated it would be nice. Perhaps by adding the adjective “short” to his hair?

The spelling did not interfere with the flow or the clarity of meaning so it is OK.

So they are steaming up the glass! Very nice!



The streetlight hums as it gives our world an orange hue[.] [ . . . . provides our world . . . . ?]

[T]he steam fogs up the glass of your car[,]

and you and i[,]

we sit silently[,]

your lips on my neck[,] [Moist lips? Trembling lips? ]

my fingers in your hair[,] [Describe hair texture.]

and your soul against mine[.] [Searching soul? Kindred soul?]



Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.

BTW
That was just me fooling around with the punctuation. the poem is fine as it is written.

Hi there! Welcome to yws! I really like this piece. Short but super effective. That fact that you didn't capitalize or properly punctuate the poem gives it a weird mysterious feel. Like how you put a period for the title, something you wouldn't usually do, but no period or commas in the actually poem. I like this style of writing. The title itself adds something mysterious. Does the poem occur in the actually alleyway itself? Or is it a metaphor for something deeper. Either way, it's fantastic. Usually I find a poem interesting or not depending on the first line itself. If t doesn't grab me, I won't like it. This first line itself gives the whole poem it's own story. How it describes that the lamp lights up their world. As in they've created their own world away from the material world. And the rest of the poem doesn't describe much, but you can still feel the tension between the two figures. And I won't lie, the last line did send a chill down my spine.

Overall I really enjoyed this piece. Don't really have any suggestions or anything, I thought this was a perfect piece. Hope to seeing more of you around here. Can't wait to read your future works!

-Stor