Hey lilithyoung! I'll be swinging by for a review today
I'm not well-versed in poetry, or reviewing poetry, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt!
i'm watching her whither away in front of me.
"whither" should be "wither", but as far as a beginning line goes, I really love it! It captured my attention, and brings an immediate sense of loss/grief.
she's gasping for breath as she drowns in the ink she bleeds out.
This is more of a personal objection, but I think "out" makes the sentence a little weaker? It also doesn't add anything to the sentence, because it would have the same connotations as it does now without it. Which, in my opinion, means it is unnecessary.
the fire that she built within herself to keep others warm is now the fire that is burning her from the inside.
I absolutely adore this line. It's so heartbreaking and tragic, (in my interpretation) that someone can put themselves out there for others and either not receive the same kind of care and attention or have it backfire on them. It's also relatable, which makes it all the better (in terms of imagery haha).
but every porcelain piece of my myself i give to her
shatters as it touches her,
and cuts her hands to ribbons.
ahhh this also hit really hard. This is really beautiful imagery, really hard hitting and emotional, and you did such a good job with it.
You convey an amazingly heartbreaking sense of helplessness and grief, of watching someone you care about belittle and break themselves. It's the empty sort of feeling you get from watching water run over your hands and not being able to catch it (in a broad sense of the term, I often believe that this is what helplessness feels like. For me, anyway). I actually also really love the lower case, but this poem feels quiet, if that makes sense. The speaker of the poem is not shouting, or conveying their emotions loudly, they are letting them flow with every painful word of how they're feeling. It's (to me, anyway) like an exhale.
Anyway, amazing job with this one! Thank you for sharing it ^^ If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please let me know!
I hope you have a fantastic day, and Happy RevMo!
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