There once lived a boy
In a house made of glass
A house made of brittle thoughts
And splintered dreams
-
A boy lived in an intangible space
A space made to be empty
To remain empty
A place with only walls, floors, and roofs
-
But it was an ideal house
No wind chilled the boy
No rain drenched the boy
No snow froze the boy
-
A boy lived in an invisible house
A house made to be seen through
By the people who walked outside its walls
Who tapped on the panes as they walked by in life
-
No one could say who it was made for
The people or the boy
So, the boy made a choice
To build a wall made of books
-
To fill a house made of glass
To create walls
Made to cast out the world
The ringing, clanging, banging of a billion beings
-
Made by the voices outside the glass walls
As all could watch as the boy
Disappeared under stacks of books
A chain mail of letters
-
There once lived a boy
In a home made of words
A beautifully dusted world
With no walls, or floors, or roofs,
-
Only doors
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Hey koinoyokan! I'm erilea, and I'm here on Review Day from Team Gryffindor.
1) The first thing I wanted to suggest is in this line:
You've already mentioned the boy before, but it sounds like you're talking about a different boy in this line. You can switch the "A" to a "the" to avoid confusion.
Same thing for the line "To fill a house made of glass", where the house has already been described.
2) A small nitpick, but there are more than a billion beings in the world. "The ringing, clanging, banging of billions of beings" would work instead.
3) I love the last line because it holds such meaning, but I'm also wondering about the line "To build a wall made of books" in stanza 5. The last stanza states that there are no walls in the boy's new home, and the two lines seem to contradict each other. I believe a fence would be better suited to the boy's intentions in stanza 5 because fences are often built to keep other people out the way the boy wants to.
I love the message of the poem, and the description of the house is beautiful. I especially love the "brittle thoughts/And splintered dreams" in your first stanza. I hope you found this review helpful! Happy Review Day and keep writing!
XOX,
erilea
Hi koinoyokan! Whatchamacallit here for a review. This is a beautiful, heartfelt, touching poem that you have worded beautifully. Congratulations on a wonderful poem!
I have a couple of wording suggestions that you can feel free to ignore, but I just personally feel they would make the poem flow a little better.
First Stanza
"A house made of brittle thoughts <- I would change "A house" to "Glass"
And splintered dreams"
Fourth Stanza
"Who tapped on the panes as they walked by
in life"I feel like this line is a bit long and clunky compared to the rest of the poem. I get that you need to keep each stanza to four lines, so you could consider cutting out "in life" or rewording the line to make it shorter.
Last Stanza
"With no walls,
orfloors, or roofs,"I would take out that "or", because in a previous line you said "A place with only walls, floors, and roofs", which has a similar structure but without the "or". I would keep it consistent.
Last Line
"Only doors"
Nothing to critique here, I just think that this is an incredibly powerful way to end the poem and I absolutely love it!
That's all for my review, I hope you found it helpful. All in all, this is an amazing poem. I look forward to reading more of your poems!
Whatchamacallit
This poem was absolutely beautiful. You have your way with words and description while your thought process is incredibly mature. Please continue to weave such breathtaking peices with your words. Best of luck