Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Horror

16+

Memento Mori

by koinoyokan


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Death is rarely graceful,

Wrote the man as the clock struck three

Listening to the struggling pained gasp of death

As she stumbled by his door

He did not stop

For he wrote for the sanity of his soul

On this terribly quiet night

Death, the makers only companion

His words, the makers only salvation, and damnation

The candlelight danced on the walls as he wrote

Moving to the clumsy gait of death

She stumbled by his door every night

His constant timekeeper

The maker feared his companion in life

The old crooked woman who knocked by his door

But he could not send her away

For death was sad and the man, lonely

The clock struck four


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
858 Reviews


Points: 29821
Reviews: 858

Donate
Sun Aug 09, 2020 4:56 am
View Likes
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey there, koinoyokan! I'm Morrigan, and I'm here to review your poem.

I enjoy that you use poetic elements in this piece like personification and imagery. Death is a popular topic to write about in poetry. My theatre professor used to say that all art is either about love or death in one way or another.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.

Since this seems to be set against an antiquated backdrop, why not try writing it a little more like it's poetry from that time period? I'm not suggesting you use rhyme, but how about meter? Meter is the rhythm in a poem, and while there are some lines in which the meter is enjoyable, I think a consistent meter would give your poem a more polished and focused feel. If you're interested in adding consistent meter, check out this resource from our forums: Making Meter Easy

I want to challenge you to rewrite this poem, but not use the word death (or dead, or dying). You use the word five times in such a short poem, and it just sticks out like a sore thumb. Find other ways of conveying the idea of death through concrete imagery. You would be surprised at how much more impact your poem has if you trust the reader and don't hold their hand to tell them exactly what the poem is about. I want to direct your attention to Edgar Allan Poe's poem "Annabel Lee." The poem is certainly about death, and does mention it directly once in the line,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
However, Poe is able to convey grief and death without using the actual word once. Try another draft, and see how much you like it.

I am confused by the ending. Why does it matter that the clock struck four? It seems like a strange way to end the poem without any further context. I think if you took out that last line, and flipped the positions of the two preceding lines, you would get a solid ending. I recommend tweaking a few things as well. So at the end, you would have:
But death was sad and the man, lonely
And he could not send her away.
This is a much stronger ending than "the clock struck four."

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Let me know if you have any questions about my review, and let me know when the next draft is up! Happy writing!




User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 2168
Reviews: 22

Donate
Fri Aug 07, 2020 8:15 pm
View Likes
luminescence wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Axiom.

This is wonderful. I love the imagery. It's dark, but it still is able to capture other feelings we can experience from poetry, which is odd but I don't mind it.

I do see some areas to make stanzas, which are like paragraphs. Welp, those aren't exactly needed, but they can help everything flow and make it easier to read, so that's up to you to decide on.

I also like that rhyme towards the end. It's probably not intentional, but I do enjoy it. If that's what you wanted, great on you, and if that happened accidentally, it still works for your poem. I would usually feel like it's weird in a poem with no more rhyming, but I like how it rolls when reading.

Overall a good poem.

Axi




User avatar
9 Reviews


Points: 127
Reviews: 9

Donate
Thu Aug 06, 2020 10:19 pm
View Likes
Vex3330 wrote a review...



I like this! It certainly makes you thing about life, and quite how short a thing it is, and how much we ought to treasure it. But moving on, here are some small critiques!

'Listening to the struggling pained gasp of death' This line seems a little over-extended. If I were you I would shorten it and it might have more of an effect. A wise man once said, 'Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?' I would advise you to keep this in mind when writing poetry, as it's easy to put far too much emphasis on tiny details, and far too little on what you're actually trying to say.

'Death, the makers only companion, His words, the makers only salvation, and damnation' I'm also not sure about the use of 'The maker' twice here. A simple 'His only salvation...' would do fine :)

Other than that I really enjoyed reading it! Just maybe focus on streamlining it a little and you'll have an utterly spectacular poem! Keep up the writing, I very much look forward to seeing what you come up with! :)




User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 2792
Reviews: 53

Donate
Thu Aug 06, 2020 8:58 pm
View Likes
Lezuli wrote a review...



Ooh, very creepy. I like the rhythm of this poem and the way the words flowed. It was very nice and spooky. I'm not very good with poems, so the best I can do for you is point out some grammar mistakes. I'm sure someone more qualified than me could help with other stuff(if there even is any).
Anyway, the only thing I noticed was the fact that in two places('makers only companion' and 'makers only salvation') there should be an apostrophe in makers to make it possessive. Like so-maker's.
Other than that, your poem looks good! I hope this review helped!





I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr