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Hold your Breath

by koinoyokan


I don’t want to fall in love

The sensation must feel something

Like the jolt you get falling asleep

-

No, I don’t want to fall in love

With the lurching unwanted

Suddenness of love

-

If I were to fall in love

It would be planned, deliberate

Careful steps down a steep incline

A slip here, stumble there

-

But never weightlessness

Does it mean something different

To fall in love vs walking in love

Does the planned precision of it all

Steal away the magic

-

Is magic something I want

Mixed in with love

It could cloud my eyes

And I would lose my way

-

Maybe that’s how people

Fall off the ledge

Without magic is love even possible

Is falling into the abyss inevitable

-

Too prolong leads to nothing but further heartache

Am I losing air up here

On the ledge and the only way

To survive is to dive

-

Walking takes to long leaving me to suffocate on the way

Long before I reach the bottom

-

I have yet to want to be in love

But I wonder if that’s because

I walk not jump


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6 Reviews


Points: 61
Reviews: 6

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Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:52 am
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bpmzcpl wrote a review...



Oh my goodness, this hit me hard. I relate with this a lot. I really liked that you talk about walking instead of falling in love. This approach to love is very cautious and very similar to the way I think about love - though I have never been able to put it into words. You did very well using words that evoked emotion.

I was really sucked into this poem in the third stanza. That is a very strong stanza. It very well explains the caution of a person with mental illness. It is very unique to think of love as a downward motion.

The way that you state that you don't wish to fall in love and then question your decision while also defending your statement captures the feelings of this poem quite nicely. It creates a quandary that allows us to follow your thought process.

Overall, this is a great poem. This is why I love poetry so much. I love this! Thank you for sharing. It is absolutely beautiful.




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29 Reviews


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Tue Mar 31, 2020 3:39 pm
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Katteex wrote a review...



'ello there!

I love this pensive poem you've written. It travels around the idea that despite the fear of falling in love, curiosity still lurks in you. The feeling that you want to know more of it and why you don't want it. I like the "I walk not jump" phrase too. It goes to show that falling in love has spontaneity in it, which you might not be ready for, and being able to admit that would become the key in facing your fear.

There are just a few typos you have in your poem, such as "too prolong" instead of "to prolong;" "to long" instead of "too long." Also, it would be better if you add some punctuations at the end of every line, especially to the interrogative sentences. Please add question marks to "Is magic something I want," "without magic is love even possible," and "Is falling into the abyss inevitable."

And in the line "But never weightlessness" do you mean "But never weightless"? Overall, the message of the poem was good, you just have to address some of the typos which is just considered a minimal mistake supposing that this is a draft.

Cheers,

Kattee




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91 Reviews


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Mon Mar 30, 2020 1:10 pm
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dahlia58 wrote a review...



I like the insightfulness of this poem. Falling in love may be impossible for a meticulous person. It's too risky. The only two things I suggest is replacing the "jump" in the last verse with "fall," since that's the initial comparison you made. Also, I think you might've misspelled "too long leaving me..." with "to long."




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Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:15 am
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Alfonso22 wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing your poem. I enjoyed your poem because it conveys a very important truth, that we should avoid letting ourselves suddenly feel that we are in love based on such trivial things as artistic talent, physical attractiveness, personality charm etc. Love should indeed have a far more substantial basis. I personally fell victim to that and paid a very heavy price for it. So I know that the poem is on target.

Can the poem be improved? Regular punctuation, with its dramatic pauses and full stops, would help the reader with his reading. Sometimes, readers have to backtrack if they are not provided with punctuation.

It can also be improved by conciseness of expression. Saying things in the least number of words is recommended.

example:

I have yet[ to want to be in love

I have never[yearned] for love

....to want to be.... vs ....yearned....

Also, please note that it is very important not to make statements that generalize but do not always apply. Is getting off a ledge really only achievable by diving? Isn't rappelling from ledges also possible? Isn't waiting to be rescued sometimes better?

Do all people really experience a jolt when falling asleep? If not, then the reader will pause to ponder, and that pondering, will interfere with the flow of the reading. Also typos, such as "to" instead of "too" and "lead" instead of "leads" will distract. So proofreading is very important in order to eliminate such things.





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