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Violence

Cafuné

by koinoyokan


Sometimes I wish I could read minds

I want to peel back their skin

Cracking open the skull

To read white squishy tangled ropes of a person

Pieces of them all packed up

In a perfectly shaped box

I want to pluck a rope

Pulling it from its place

Picking apart the strings of their minds

To reveal parts of themselves

I want to pull strands

Through my fingers like hair

Every piece a memory

All connected thru action

Reading minds should feel like braille

Soft moments slide under fingertips

Mistakes, sharp, drawing blood

After I’m done with the peeling, cracking, picking

To look down at my hands

And see the life of a man

How easy it would be to walk towards

When I could see the mush that makes them up

Staining my hands

How easy would it be to touch

When I had already cradled their most precious parts of self

But what reason would they have to walk towards me

Touch me

When their hands where clean and mine dripped

With the ugliest scraps of themselves


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955 Reviews


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Wed Apr 15, 2020 12:38 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there! Late welcome to YWS!

This definitely had some Edgar Allan Poe vibes - the imagery was difficult to read through, since it was quite gruesome! I'm not sure that the image culminated in enough new meaning; like I couldn't quite tell if the speaker was a murderer, a love-interest, or just obsessed - which really gave the poem an uncomfortable twist but also as a reader left me unknowing as to what the point was supposed to be from the piece.

You might consider dropping a higher rating on the piece because even if it's only implied violence, it's fairly disturbing. There's not a lot of horror-poetry on the site, so kudos to you for trying something unique! Will be interested to read your other stuff - my main suggestion would be to have a little bit clearer purpose in the writing, so that the reader really comes away with some sort of clear sense on what the piece meant.

Happy writing!

alliyah




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Mon Mar 30, 2020 6:18 am
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Lavvie wrote a review...



Hi there! I noticed you're a new member, so welcome to the site! :D

I was drawn to this poem because of the title, which I had to Google. I love the meaning: "running your fingers through the hair of someone you love". I think it's pretty romantic so that's kind of what I was expecting... but you definitely put a horrific twist on this! It's an interesting surprise for the reader, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. After all, aren't writers supposed to approach things uniquely?

The imagery you use is gruesome, to say the least, but it's also very effective. I think you've done a good job in bridging strands of hair with the gory images of brains. Particularly effective is the fact that you don't explicitly mention brains in the poem and yet it's very clear to your audience. The first stanza does a good job of setting the stage and intention: "Sometimes I wish I could read minds/ I want to peel back their skin/ cracking open the skull". Throughout, you've also done a good job of describing the physical aspects of the human brain: "I want to pluck a rope/ pulling it from its place/ Picking apart the strings of their minds".

There are just a couple of things that I feel like you could change to make this poem even stronger. First, I think you could do without the dashes between each stanza. The dashes break everything up and they force the reader to interpret the stanzas in separate parts. However, I do not think your poem should be read in "parts". Without the dashes, it would flow a lot better, in my opinion. Furthermore, as just a small nitpick, I think it would be better if you wrote "through" instead of "thru" (found in the fifth stanza).

Overall, I really enjoyed this because a) it was surprising and b) I was impressed with the imagery. I look forward to reading more of your poems!

Best,
Lavvie




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Mon Mar 30, 2020 5:10 am
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Lethargic wrote a review...



I love how disturbingly detailed the whole thing is! I had to look up the meaning of the name, and I have to say that it’s quite clever, in a twisted way.

Now, there’s only really one problem I have with this poem: the flow. The flow feels a bit weird with all the different sizes of stanzas and long lines. I’d suggest in the future coming up with a number of lines per stanza then sticking with it through the whole poem. Of course, that’s just my personal preference. Overall, good job!





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