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Ironclaw Chapter 1: Tale of the Coyote and Escaping the Cage

Once, in the wild, untamed forests of the Carolina’s Barrier Islands, the Coyote race ruled the land. They were the most powerful, numerous, and wide-spread. All of the creatures feared the cry of the female Coyote, Ironclaw, their leader of only fifteen seasons; something close to fifteen human years. Usually, a female her age would never be able to lead a race so strong, to control a pack so big, but there is a reason why Ironclaw is a legend.


Ironclaw became a legend because she challenged them, the Humans, the ones who had tied them down. Ironclaw destroyed the chains that bound them, and bit the hands that tortured them. Ironclaw dared to defy, and dared to fight. Some say that more than fifty men have died at her teeth alone.


It is possible that the truth of Ironclaw’s life will never be known. It is possible that Ironclaw will continue to be an enigma for the rest of her existance, die, and live on as whispers in the night, as ink on pages.


The one thing that is known, is that once, like all legends, Ironclaw was once nothing. Once, before she was Ironclaw, before she was a coyote, before she woke on the Barrier Island we now call Cavete Viator, Ironclaw was Vermillion DeLuna, and Vermillion DeLuna was a nobody.
And then, Vermillion DeLuna woke on Cavete Viator, and lived and died simultaneously.

xxxx

When Vermillion DeLuna woke, she realized instantly that things had gone terribly wrong. Her whole body ached; she realized that before she opened her eyes. She had been lying on her side, back arched slightly, as if she was curling in on herself. Her chest heaved up and down, slowly, making it feel like a chore just to breathe. She was dizzy, disoriented, and very confused, especially when the flat of her palm brushed metal wiring and leafy undergrowth. Finally snapping open her eyes, she forced herself up in one fast, fluid movement. Too fast, she noted, as her head suddenly hit the top of whatever she was enclosed in. Ah, a cage, it seemed to be. Grumbling with the added pain and humiliation, Vermillion pushed hard against the side of the cage. It wasn't very large, probably only the size of a medium dog kennel, and all of the sides were made of wire, so that she could view her surroundings. Her back was pressed to one side of the cage, and her arms were pressed against the other, which gave her a view of the forest undergrowth. It smelled dark and damp, like it had rained recently, and when she opened her mouth to get a better scent, she tasted salt on the roof of her mouth.

'Salt?' That must mean that she was somewhere near the ocean. Vermillion raised her head again, albeit tentatively, remembering her earlier mishap, and stared more closely out at the forest surrounding her. The ground looked soft and earthen, but there was some light gray-white sand mixed in with the rest of the dirt. A noise of disgust rose in her throat, and she turned so that she could be on her hands and knees, resting like a cat on her haunches, staring out at the front of the cage. The clasp to it was simple. If she tried, she could easily unlock it and get out from...wherever she was.

The gang needed her back home, and Vermillion's duty as their leader was to protect them. She wouldn't be able to do that where she was, and even though she had no idea where she was, she'd be damned if she was just going to lie there like an injured dog and wait for someone to come along and steal her back again.

As she pondered the possible dangers of escaping from the cage, Vermillion thought back to what had happened before she'd gotten here. All she remembered was running breathlessly down the city streets, teens from the gang flanking her on both sides, police sirens blaring in the backgrounds. Somebody'd called the cops on them while they were fighting with a rival gang, and while running from the cops was nothing new for her, she couldn't help but feel something...different, this time.

After all, this was the first time she was running without Chi.

A pang of sadness passed through her chest, and her dark, nimble fingers fumbled at the lock. Oh, Chi. Vermillion couldn't help but wonder if he was looking down on this situation with his big green-brown eyes narrowed, or if he was laughing at how stupid she looked, messing around in a dog cage like that. Knowing Chi, he was probably laughing. She silently cursed the bastard, while at the same time wishing that he could lend her some of her knowledge.

Her metal hand wasn't aiding her much in this delicate procedure, so Vermillion let it drop to her side as she continued on with trying to unhook the lock. There were actually two locks, which complicated the process, and wasn't what Vermillion was expecting. She'd worked off the first lock, and had pushed on the door to see if it would spring open, but it refused to budge without the second lock being released as well. Giving another curse, Vermillion turned her attention to the second lock.

This one was a small padlock around a chain, and it wouldn't be so easy. Realizing that this would need some brute force, Vermillion first tried to pick the lock with a stray stick she found at the bottom of the cage. After messing with it for a few minutes, she threw the stick away with yet another curse, turning her attention to the chain that held the padlock to the cage door.

The chain looked old and rusted, which was good news for her. Maybe, if she pulled just hard enough, it would break. Grabbing the padlock with the metal hand this time (this was grunt work), she stiffened the muscle of her right arm, then pulled as hard as she could on the lock, throwing all of her weight backwards. The chain squealed, and the door bent inwards with her as she pulled. A few seconds later, the flimsy metal door ripped off of its hinges. The inertia sent Vermillion falling backwards into the cage, her back slamming against the ground, effectively knocking the wind out of her lungs and sending a searing pain through her ribs. It felt like an old wound had been irritated, and Vermillion hissed as she rolled over, pressing her hand to the throbbing area.

That's right, she remembered now. She'd been knocked off of her feet and had fallen on her side on the concrete, back when she was running in the city. Something--no, someone--had slammed into her abruptly, sending her slamming into the ground next to a trash can. Before she had any time to react, a boot had been pressed to her neck, and someone leaned down close to her face. The someone was so close, so near to her face, that Vermillion could smell the smoke and liquor on his breath. She remembered it being disgusting, and as the man leaned in, he said,

"You belong to me now."

That was when she blacked out, and try as she may, Vermillion couldn't remember what had happened after that.

When the pain finally faded, and she felt like she could move again, she heaved herself out of the cage and onto the forest floor, resting on the ground for a moment as she panted. She could smell the musty scent of the forest again, dead, rotting leaves mixed in with those freshly fallen. The dirt felt fresh and cool against her skin, and it was...oddly refreshing, in a way. It had been a very, very long time since she'd been out in a free area like this.

Finally forcing herself onto her feet, Vermillion leaned against a nearby tree, chocolate brown eyes narrowed as her metal arm dangled by her side, limp as the wind tussled her hair. She'd gotten free from the cage, yes.

Her freedom, however, was still much too far away from her.

Comments & reviews · 5
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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

Now this is what I am talking about. I loved this piece so much. I admit that when I read the prologue, I wasn't sure. Oh, I loved the plot. I loved it to pieces. But I wasn't sure about your style of writing because the piece seemed to be sticking to the facts - only giving us the information about your story and the characters.

Now we get into your actual writing and you have simply amazed me. You have a very lovely style, and it flows so well. It's engaging and keeps my eyes riveted to the page the entire time I read. Honestly. Your style is quite good. As is the story. ^.^ Let's take a look at the piece and see what I can find to help you on for future chapters and edits before I skedaddle.

their leader of only fifteen seasons; something close to fifteen human years.


I am assuming you meant a different age when you said "fifteen human years". Because I believe that we compare dog years (similar to coyotes, so I am using that comparison) to people years by multiplying them by seven... So, in this case, it would be I think 105 years old, which does sound a lot more like the number you were going for, since you were mentioning age. Yeah, that is pretty old.

-- your first paragraph is a run-on, home to many ideas and not just the one idea we are supposed to limit them to. One idea equals one paragraph, each and every time. I think it's a general rule simply to keep things neat and tidy - less complicated for the readers and it separates all the different thoughts into their special places, and keeps things easier to understand. Paragraphs are almost like a story in themselves - having a complete idea in each of them, whether they are one sentence or ten. I like to compare them to long sentences, because they have to complete an idea just as a sentence does... only a longer idea in most cases. Anywho, I hope this little ramble helps somewhat. Just remember that: One idea equals one paragraph - each and every time. Individual writers have their own styles and do break paragraphs at different places, but they all follow that same rule I showed you. ^.^

Vermillion raised her head again, albeit tentatively, remembering her earlier mishap, and stared more closely out at the forest surrounding her


Something I noticed throughout this piece was that you liked to use a lot of commas in your sentences. It's not the commas that are the problem. It's the way you structure and word your sentences in many cases which makes it so that they need so many commas. I would work with and tweak these sentences and see if you couldn't eliminate some of them. Less commas usually equals a smoother read.

There were actually two locks, which complicated the process, and wasn't what Vermillion was expecting. She'd worked off the first lock, and had pushed on the door to see if it would spring open,


I am feeling a bit left out in this bit here. I think you could have really built up this part by giving us a description on the locks... a better description. All I can see right now is a vague set of locks, but I have no idea what kind of a lock they are, if they're padlocks - what they are and how they work. My mind is blank, and with this, you need to fill it with the image of the lock. And even though she may not be able to see it, she can still feel it with her hands. Give us that!

and it was...oddly refreshing


This is something I learned just a few months ago from another reviewer, so I think I will just pass the information onto you. When doing an ellipsis, you must put a space after it so you aren't connecting two words together. So, instead of doing this: (word...word), you would do: (word... word). By putting that space after the word, you are showing a pause in the narration or dialogue - not connecting two words together as one.

I think this was an awesome first chapter. It really does a good job setting the pace and character for your novel, and I think it was a good introduction for Vermilion, too. I think I am going to like her character. She seems like the kind of person to not give up, and can always get out of a situation... as long as she puts her mind to it and doesn't relent. Really, you did a fantastic job writing this. It flows, you have nice character development (first chapter, so not expecting to have a fully developed character, anyway), and you are very good with doing details. Those little things don't escape your eyes. You tend to describe things very well and give us a clear picture, especially when painting her thoughts for us. I really enjoyed that. And when she was trying to get out! Oh, now that was written so well. Had me sitting on the edge of my seat during that part. Intense.

You can notify me, if you like, when you come out with the next chapter. I will be sure to review it. ^.^
~Darth Timmyjake

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RowanCrow
Comment

This is awesome. it reminds me of the Warriors series i read when I was younger, with more suspense and action. Flows pretty dang well, and overall pretty great. Nice Job!

Haha yeah, I was inspired by Warriors! Thank you for reading!

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Ljungtroll
Comment

Wow! This is really awesome, kingofeli! The part with the cyborg arm reminds me of the book Cinder, but it's only a minor detail. As far as I could tell there were no errors, and this story really caught my attention! I look forward to reading more of your works!! :D

Thank you so much!

User avatar
Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Mon Nov 17, 2014 9:06 pm

Hello! :D
Snazzy here to review your work!! :D So since I have been CRAVING some fantasy lately, I decided to give yours a try! :) I love it!! Now for the corrections I have found......

"It felt like an old wound had been irritated, and Vermillion hissed as she rolled over, pressing her hand to the throbbing area."

I don't know why, but I this sentence sounds wrong. Maybe you could divide it into two sentences-

"It felt like an old wound had been irritated. Vermillion hissed as she rolled over, pressing her hand to the throbbing area."

(just a suggestion though :) )

"Finally forcing herself onto her feet, Vermillion leaned against a nearby tree, chocolate brown eyes narrowed as her metal arm dangled by her side, limp as the wind tussled her hair."

Just the same thing I found in the other sentence. Maybe you could split it in two-

"Finally forcing herself onto her feet, Vermillion leaned against a nearby tree. Her chocolate brown eyes narrowed as her metal arm dangled by her side, limp as the wind tussled her hair."

(again just a suggestion :D )

Other than that I really couldn't find anything wrong! :D Hopefully someone else will come along and give you a better review than mine.... :D Really nice chapter! I am looking forward to reading more!!! :D :D :D
-Snazzy :)

Thank you so very much, I'm glad for the feedback! I really do need to work on commas and stuff, so I thank you for that.

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IceWinifredd
Review

Nice. It's a great read and very interesting. I like that the narration managed to hold my attention from the beginning to the end without breaking my curiosity in the least. (My attention tends to wander a bit if I don't find the story fascinating in any way). Also, i think Vermillion herself is a very interesting character and personally I'm interested to learn more about her and why she finds herself in the predicament that she's in now. So now let's get down to business, shall we? I think that the only thing I found that bothered me a lot throughout the course of the story is the fact that you've overused the comma so much that it makes some of your sentences seem teeter on the borderline of becoming run-on sentences. I would suggest that you go back and re-read all this out loud to yourself so you can see for yourself. Other than that, i thought the story was entertaining, thrilling, interesting, and mysterious enough to keep the reader wanting to read more. Nonetheless, nice job my friend. I have a great time reading this! I look forward to reading more so keep writing! -IceWinifredd

Thank you very much! I'm trying to work on that.

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help.



Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson