16+ Language

Ironclaw: Chapter 2, Part 2

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"Well..." Charlie started to say, continuing to twirl her hair around her finger. "See, I ran away from my folks a couple days ago, right? So I was walking down the street when this guy just came up out of nowhere, just walked right up to me! I asked him what he was doing, but he just shoved this cloth in my face, right in broad daylight, and then I passed out!" She was animated as she spoke, using her other hand to make broad, sweeping gestures, her fingers dancing along with the story. She was definitely Italian, Vermillion thought, a grin twitching at the sides of her mouth. And she was certainly very interesting. "I don't remember anything after that, though."

"That's fine," Vermillion told her gruffly, flopping down between two of the roots of the huge oak. Her back pressed against it, she looked up into the leafy canopy again, wishing, for a moment, that she had a pack of cigarettes. "I don' remember how I got here, either. I was runnin', then I was on the ground, then some guy leans up real close to me an' says..." She trailed off for a second, narrowing her eyes as she shook her head, trying not to relive the humiliating memory. She, the great Ironclaw, knocked down by a stranger and dominated like that. "...well, he says somethin' I don' wanna say back. Then I pass out, too." Vermillion tried to remember if there was cloth involved, but all that she could remember was a searing pain between her shoulder blades as her vision dulled.

Charlie went quiet after that, shifting back and forth on her feet as she stared down at Vermillion. Her eyes darted to the prosthetic every now and again, before she managed to say, "Do you, uh, have any idea where we are?" The other girl shook her head, looking down from the leaves and back to Charlie again.

"Not a fuckin' clue." Charlie flinched at that, and Vermillion grimaced. "Sorry. Too rough fer a lady like you?”

Laughing, Charlie shook her head, giving another nervous grin. "No, no, I'm just, uh, not too used to hearing it, is all. The people I hang out with don't really, uh, curse much."

Figures, Vermillion thought. She seemed like a little softie; she'd probably never had any experience with the streets, or anything like that. Then again, most kids her age hadn't. She wouldn't hold it against her, as not everyone could have had an unbringing as hard as Vermillion's.

"So, uh, if we don't know where we are, what do you, uh, think that we should do?" Charlie asked, scooting a little closer to Vermillion. She wasn't sure if it was out of common courtesy, or if Charlie was trying to get a better look at the prosthetic again. "Personally, I think that, uh, there are probably others here, wherever we, uh, are. I don't think that our captors would've, uh, gone through all of that trouble for a girl and a boy."

"I'm a girl," Vermillion growled out before she could stop herself, which made Charlie flinch again.

"Sorry, sorry!" She squeaked, holding out her hands in an apology. "I didn't mean to assume, I just--"

"'s a'ight, kid," Vermillion said again, batting down her hands. Charlie looked down in embarrassment. "Common mistake. I get snappy sometimes, an' if we're gonna be together in this god forsaken forest, ya need to get used to it."

Charlie perked up at that. "Together?" Her face seemed to brighten.

"Yeah, together," Vermillion repeated, forcing herself up. "There's safety in numbers, kid. We're better off together." Charlie seemed to brighten at that, and she jumped to Vermillion's side excitedly, eyes shimmering. She seemed to have forgotten her earlier apprehension, and was eager to be by Vermillion's side. Perhaps it was because she was large and intimidating, and so far, the only person she knew of who was around.

Lifting her nose to the air, Vermillion closed her eyes for a moment as she inhaled deeply. There was the scent of salt, yet again, and the other scents previously described. Charlie stared at her with curiosity as she stood stock-still, like a hunting dog that had just caught a scent, then blinked as she lowered her head. Motioning to Charlie, she started to stalk off in her characteristic slinking gate, shoulder blades and hips moving in time in the way cats do as they walk. It was in stark contrast to her posture only a few moments ago, and Charlie followed her through the quickly-darkening forest.

"It'll be dark soon," she murmured, eyes focused strictly ahead. "So we'd better find some kinda shelter 'for tha' sun sets, or else we're at the mercy of whatever comes across us 'till mornin'."

"I didn't see any, uh, big predators here, though," Charlie replied, having to nearly sprint to keep up with Vermillion's long strides. She seemed to cover yards with every step that she took. "Honestly, it looks to me like we're, uh, on an island, almost. There aren't really any, uh, big predators on islands, right?"

"Don't matter." Charlie had no sense. "Don'tcha think that tha' bastards who put us here might come back fer more?" The other girl hesitated at that, then sprung up to keep up with her much larger companion. Vermillion's pace had quickened at her own realization, the sounds of her feet hitting the ground now getting closer together. The scent of salt was thickening in the air as the trees thinned out. The ground beneath them slowly began to shift into a more sandy substrate, making it much softer and much harder for them to walk through. Charlie was panting by this time, but Vermillion was used to forcing her way through unfamiliar terrain. She could take it.

"What if there isn't any, uh, shelter though?" Charlie huffed, now placing her feet in the footprints Vermillion left in the sand. She found that it was an easier way of travel. "I mean, they probably wouldn't have, uh, put us somewhere where someone might, uh, find us."

"Then we make our own shelter." They were at the edge of the forest now, and Vermillion took a few quick bounds to cross the remaining distance between herself and a large boulder. Quickly scaling it, she stood at the very edge, the remaining rays of sunlight illuminating her massive, regal figure, rays of golden-yellow and red reflecting off of her prosthetic. Charlie stared at her in admiration, before she too climbed the boulder to get a look at whatever scenery her partner had come across.

"Whoa," she breathed, looking out across the beach. The sand was pure white and shimmered in the sunset. The clear blue water lapped at the edges of the beach, some bits of white sea foam appearing when it receded. It looked as though mankind hadn't touched it; it was pure as the day God formed it. Salt overpowered her senses and stung at her eyes, but it didn't seem to affect Vermillion, whose chocolate brown eyes scanned the landscape before her. She looked, for all intents and purposes, like a queen surveying her kingdom.

"Well, looks like you were right, kid," Vermillion said. Jumping from the edge of the boulder, she skidded down one of the soft sand dunes for a short distance, creating a rift in the sand. Charlie vouched for the easier route, climbing back down the back of the boulder before coming back to Vermillion's side like a loyal dog. "We're on an island, probably in the middle of fuckin' nowhere."

"I dunno, uh, it might be one of the barrier islands," Charlie pointed out optimistically. Vermillion huffed, tossing her dreadlocked hair. "I mean, uh, I went to one for a school field trip once, and, uh, it looked something like this. So maybe that's, uh, where we are." Either way, it meant no civilization nearby, and while they'd figured out where they were, it didn't help them at all. All that it meant was that now they were completely isolated. Escape meant having to swim through some miles of ocean, and there was no guarantee that they'd end up on the mainland. The most likely scenario was that they'd just get to another island.

"That still ain't gonna get us home, kid," Vermillion muttered, making her way down the rest of the dune onto the beach. She squinted up at the sun, and for once, a feeling of despair was growing in her chest. Damn. At this rate, she wasn't going to get back to the gang for at least a week. Dropping her head, she closed her eyes, then settled slowly onto the white sand, the palms of her hands digging into the soft substrate. There had to be something, there just had to be, to help her get home. To get back where she belonged. She sure as hell didn't belong here, she knew that. What she did know was two things;

One, she was stuck on an island with a girl she didn't know and was probably going to end up being a huge drag on her since she knew nothing about survival.

Two, somehow, some way, she was going to get the fuck off of this island and back to the streets where she belonged.

At that moment, entirely sure of what she had to do now, Vermillion sprung back up and whirled around to face Charlie, the warm blood of a leader in her suddenly revitalized by her self proclamation. Yes, she'd get off this island and she'd get Charlie off of it too; a gang leader protected their own, and right now, Charlie was her own. At least, she was for the time being. Motioning to the red-head, she said once she'd wobbled uncertainly over the sand to her, "We're movin' out. There's gotta be others on this island, and we're gonna find 'em if we gotta search all night."

Brightening at that, Charlie threw an enthusiastic fist into the air. "Alright! But, we're not, uh, gonna walk along the beach right? 'Cause I can't really, uh, walk in this sand."

And so, the unlikely duo set off across the edge of the forest, two explorers in an unknown world, still unaware that danger lurked just inside of the shadows of the island trees, watching with an interested, hungry gaze.

Comments & reviews · 4
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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here

So they're getting to know each other better. Yay for that. It is always a nice thing to see some character interaction, because not only is it a fun part of the book to read, but it gives us the chance to see how they react together and also for us to know more about them as a character. And I think they're shaping wonderfully. I can see them as a distinct character just fine, and they are truly set apart for me. And not just in the way they talk (although that is definitely different per character), but how they act and behave towards each other. Great job on that. Differentiating characters is something I struggle at sometimes, and especially during long bouts of dialogue, I have a tendency to have to double-read to see who was talking and such. From how you write and the style each character has in their speech, I know merely by how they talk. Amazing - keep that up.

She was definitely Italian, Vermillion thought


So this was a part of the piece that really stuck out to me, and I think it was due to that we have no idea why Vermillion thinks she is definitely Italian. Is it because of how she acts, how she looks - what? There are so many different reasons why Vermillion could think so (maybe she makes good lasagna. YES), and I think you could tell the reader in that part why she thinks that Charlie is Italian. Would help for us confused simpletons. :3

Her back pressed against it, she looked up into the leafy canopy again, wishing, for a moment, that she had a pack of cigarettes.


WOAH. Talk about comma overload there. I would recommend a little bit less of a helpful of those next time you go to the table. In some of these sentences I see, it almost seems as though you had to use up a certain amount of those little buggers, and since you had commas left over, you just inserted them wherever. I would scan through this piece when you have the time or feel like editing, merely to look for comma errors. Mostly, I spot needless commas or commas that could be removed with some sentence tweaking. As a general thing to remember: the fewer commas the better. Now that doesn't apply to all things with commas, and that certainly doesn't mean you should leave some out when they rightfully belong. But I would go a bit lighter on them than you do now. Let me show you by the part I pulled out. The comma after wishing isn't needed, as well as the one after moment. Both should be inserted and allowed to be tossed underfoot.

trying to get a better look at the prosthetic again.


I think you could have made the prosthetic part a bit more prominent, primarily in the describing of the prosthetic. As of right now, I have no image and no memory from the previous chapters of it (forgive me if they were there. I forget things in minutes (thanks for your bad memory, Mom), and I think you should describe the prosthetics and how Charlie feels about it, and how Vermillion thinks about it, too. Delve into the emotions more in this section. Having a limb missing has to be an emotional and terrible experience. Use that.

"'s a'ight, kid,


Allow me to be completely open with you. I don't like the way you do the accenting at all. Not that you do a bad job in many parts - on the contrary. But I think you really overdo it, and in such a way so that it strangles her speech and instead of just making it so she has an accent or slur or stutter, it is sometimes hard to even understand her. At certain parts, it is difficult. Like the part I pulled out above. ^.^ I think you could play that down just a bit, and focus more on her roughness. Also, remember there is more roughness then just throwing out f-bombs like they're candy bars. They get old, and they get old fast. Not only that, but they're not a show of roughness as a rule. I know many rough people, and most of them just throw crude jokes and references (mostly just animals. xD) around, and spit on the ground, and mention rough words, but not necessarily words that many people would consider "bad" words. I think you could play with her vocabulary and actions a bit.

the remaining rays of sunlight illuminating her massive, regal figure, rays of golden-yellow and red reflecting off of her prosthetic.


Nope. Nu-uh. This gave me the most distorted image I have seen so far in your novel. And you know what takes all the credit for that? Massive. Yeah, you got it. I got the image of some heffalump looking over like you said - that she was massively fat or something. Which I don't think is the image you want to put across to your reader. I would exchange that for something else, and try to find a better word to describe what you're trying to say. Also, I don't think "regal" fits Vermillion too well. You've tried to emphasize to the reader throughout that she is a rough girl, and "regal" makes me think of some queen or princess. Like a Queen Elsa from Frozen in the first parts of the movie. That's regal. Play with your wording there to give your readers an accurate description of what you're trying to put across.

Cause I can't really, uh, walk in this sand.


The "uh" in ever sentence does get a little old. Just saying. hee-hee And it's usually done by a person who is shy and uncertain of her whereabouts and the people around her. Especially towards the end, I am not getting that from Charlie. In the beginning, she may have been a little intimidated by Vermillion, but by the end of this chapter, she seemed like she was opening up and becoming confident...which then means the "um" should at least recede a bit.

unlikely duo


Seems cliché, since I see those two words paired together all the time.

I think you did a wonderful job in this chapter. I love, love how much better you're doing at descriptions, and I am appreciating the varied paragraph length. In the previous chapters, I did get the feeling that I was being overwhelmed with the extensive paragraphs, but with this one? Not all of them were long. Not all of them were short. I thought you did it just right, spicing it up with just what you should have done. Varied paragraph lengths = perfection. You're doing awesome in that area, as you are in all others. Really, the nitpicks I had to ramble on about are pretty insignificant in the light of this piece. The characters are extremely realistic (something I always have difficulty with), and so easy to pin down as I read. And your plot seems to be thickening, although I can't see exactly where you're heading with this. Keeps me on the edge of my seat, which is gooood. And that cliffhanger! Makes me want to reach through the screen and strangle the author - you. So you did amazing job there, because I want to read on and see who or what this danger is.

I'll catch up soon, I think.
~Darth Timmyjake

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artemis15sc
Review

I really like this chapter too, for many reasons. One was that you've given both your characters clear, distinct voices. I love different they are too. it's cute, but it also creates some conflict.

I also really like Vermillion. Yeah, she's rough, but she's loyal to. I love how you crafted her decision to stick with Charlie even though it would be difficult. That being said, could you make it a harder decision for her? Could she consider leaving Charlie and then decide against it. Maybe it's not in her character, it's just an idea, I trust that you as the author will do what you need to.

I have one little grammar nitpick:

"Sorry, sorry!" She squeaked, holding out her hands in an apology. "I didn't mean to assume, I just--"
Dialogue tags following an exclamation point or question mark don't have to be capitalized unless they're a proper noun, so she should be lower case.

Also, don't be so afraid of the word said. Don't be so afraid of the word said. Words like wondered, replied, stated, remarked, actually slow down the flow of your story. words like said and asked actually become invisible, allowing your reader to just skim right over them and get to the more important stuff in your story. The only time you should sue words other than said it when you want to emphasize how something was said, such as growled, huffed, called, muttered, etc...

You're actually better at this than a lot of other writers, so don't worry too much. And your a master of using action instead of dialogue tags as well, which I love.

Another little comment I had was your paragraph length. This was more applicable with your last chapter, but I'll mention it here too. If you can, try breaking up some of your paragraphs. Especially online, those long paragraphs are hard to read.

Also, the comment I made last time about the unnecessary thats is still applicable here. There are a lot of thats I think you can cut out.

I also have a question. What are Charlie's and Vermillion's ages? If I'd read the previous chapter's I'd probably know Vermillion's but I don't know Charlie's either. Vermillion keeps calling her kid yet form some reason I picture them as the same age.

I love the ending, and the way Vermillion makes decisions is great. This review ended up kind of long, but I still felt like there was barely anything to review!

Thanks for sharing!

-Art

Their ages aren't revealed yet, they will be soon, but for the sake of knowing, Vermillion's about seventeen, nearing eighteen, and Charlie's in the middle range of sixteen. She really just calls Charlie "kid" because Charlie's less emotionally and mentally mature than Vermillion is.

Vermillion also tends to make decisions quickly without thinking, so her change in opinion is supposed to highlight that.

I'll try to see what I can do about the paragraphs, I just feel weird when I have a bunch of little short ones when I've mostly been taught to write long ones x.x but thanks for the advice!

Thank you for another amazing review!

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KatGirl
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Nevermind this comment xD

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AfterTheStorm
Review

Hey, King! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for you tonight. Happy Review Day from team Earthbenders! Let's get to it, shall we?

First off, just from the first paragraph, the audience receives an inside look into Charlie's attitude from the dialogue. The only thing I would tell you to keep in mind is that a large text block like that with long dialogue can tend to be tedious for readers, especially as the opening paragraph. Long discussions between characters most of the time is fine. I just think the fact that it starts off a new chapter might be a bit sore for the eyes. However, that's totally just a personal thing. Charlie's discussion at the beginning definitely adds to this chapter.

On the same note as dialogue, I must admit that you're very talented with creating naturally flowing conversations between characters. The reader gets a glimpse into their personalities. That's a trait most authors have to really work for, so great job! I'm already liking the chemistry between Vermillion and Charlie simply by the way they communicate.

Despite the lack of action occurring within this chapter, you managed to advance the story line quite successfully while maintaining the reader's interest. Your two characters, King, are precious together, I must admit. The way they react with one another makes me want to continue reading the rest of your book!

The only thing I might avoid is the kind of cliche ending of "something ominous is out there waiting," because I know you can turn that little paragraph into a conclusion that will cause readers to quickly flip to the next page.

As a wrap-up, I enjoyed this little chapter of "Ironclaw." Now you have me wanting to go back and read the first chapter then all those following after it! I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for more from you. :) Thank you so much for sharing, and as always: Write on!

Thank you so much for the kind review! Im really thinking of pairing up Vermillion and Charlie, but im not sure yet :p



Sometimes wisdom came from strange places, even from giant teenaged goldfish.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena