16+ Language

IRONCLAW Chapter 3.1: Hound

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

"So. They've gone off to try to find the others."

Nox's voice cut through the staccato rhythm of Valier's foot repeatedly tapping the ground as he watched the surveillance footage with interest. He hadn't realized that the other had come into the room, and Valier jumped slightly before the touch of Nox's hands rested on his shoulders. He'd been nervous ever since the first girl had broken out of her cage; he'd heard of her, but he hadn't expected her to be so strong that she'd rip the door off of its hinges. That was an expensive cage, too. Reaching up, Valier slid his hand over Nox's, eyes still focused on the footage.

"Yes, it seems like they have. That's no problem though, it's only expected. They are children, after all. Natural curiosity was bound to show up at some point."

"It won't be long before they find them," Nox cut in. "And with the way those two were talking, I'm worried about what they might be planning. What would happen if they decided to...band together, or something like that? They probably already have ideas of overpowering us already."

"You're making me nervous," Valier growled at Nox, who huffed at his harsh words. "We needn't worry about that. We've got more power than they do, even if they are altered now. We'll be able to keep them at bay. There's only so much they can do on their own, even if all sixteen of them are together."

Nox was quiet for a moment, his hand trailing farther down Valier's shirt. "What do you suppose we do in the meantime?"

Giving a sly grin, Valier leaned back in his chair, forcing Nox to take a few unsteady steps back. "Show them who the top dog is on this island, literally. Send the word to release the hounds."

Pulling away from his buttons, Nox frowned again, wrinkling his nose. "Fine. But when that's done, you're taking orders from me."

()

It wasn't long before Vermillion and Charlie started to feel the chill of night on their shoulders. The wind from the sea was getting cold and hard, stirring up the sand underneath their feet. Vermillion was harshly reminded of why she hated being near the beach when the salt started to sting at her eyes, tears forming involuntarily at the edges. From behind her, Charlie coughed, doing her best to keep behind Vermillion's large figure, as if to use her to shield herself from the biting wind and salt.

"V-Vermillion?" She chattered from behind her, hands rubbing against her bare forearms. Vermillion turned to look at her, and immediately took pity on her shivering form. The hair on her exposed skin was raised, leaving visible goosebumps all over her body. She looked like a thin, homeless puppy, left out to bear the elements alone. "I know you, uh, w-want to find everyone, but, uh, it's really really cold, s-so do you think we could t-try to find shelter or s-something?"

The taller girl shrugged, letting her jacket slide off of her shoulders as she did. The switchblade was in the pocket of her jeans, now, so she had no qualms about handing it off to Charlie, who clearly needed it more than she did at the moment. Her own undershirt was long-sleeved and thick, and it would do until they could find somewhere to better shield themselves from the wind. "Yeah. Take this fer right now, we'll head on into tha woods. Trees'll keep tha worst of tha wind out."

With trembling hands, Charlie took the jacket from Vermillion, smiling gratefully as she pulled it on. "Th-thank you, thanks. Th-that's, uh, very kind of you."

"Don't mention it." Shuffling her along, Vermillion guided the other girl to the trees. She wouldn't admit it, but Charlie's assumed frailty at being exposed to the wind worried her slightly. If she was one of those people who got sick easily, Vermillion knew that she'd have trouble on her hands. It was starting to look like the island was uninhabited, like they'd guessed earlier, which meant that there'd be no drug stores to run to if she needed relief from her symptoms.

Once they were back inside of the familiar darkness of the forest, Charlie was grateful for the lack of wind, but was also frightened at the sudden darkness. It was much darker here thanks to the thick canopy leaves than out in the open on the beach, and she could barely see. Grasping around in front of her, Charlie was quick to latch on to Vermillion's wrist, pulling up beside her, grip tight. She seemed a bit off-put at first, but Vermillion managed to shrug it off, shifting so that she could grasp Charlie's small hand in her comparatively huge one.

"'f yawanna hold my hand, all yagotta do is ask, kid," Vermillion muttered. It made Charlie blush, and although the other girl likely couldn't see it, she turned head to the side anyway.

Still gripping Charlie's hand, Vermillion led her to what looked like a large, hollowed out tree. It still stood upright, but the bottom of the trunk was open, its roots forming something of a little shelter. Although it seemed too coincidental, Vermillion decided that keeping her current partner warm was the most important thing at the moment. Nudging her inside, she said quietly, "Stay in here. It'll be warm. I'll try an' find somethin' ta' make a fire."

"C-can we make a fire when it's, um, this cold?" Charlie asked, her teeth chattering on every word. Vermillion rolled her shoulders in response.

"I've made fires when it's snowin', kid. We can make a fire."Vermillion gave her a rough pat, before standing up, rubbing at her arms as she headed off into the darkness.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
BookWolf
Review

Hello, BookWolf here for a review! :D

So, I've never read the other parts to this, but I really found this interesting. I really liked your writing style and I can hardly find any mistakes. Just these;


That was an expensive cage, too. (I think you should reword this to be, "That had been an expensive cage, too.")

We can make a fire."Vermillion gave her a rough pat, (You forgot to put the space after the quotation marks)


You have awesome names for you characters, I think. And although this was short, I enjoyed it, especially the first part. You have great description and I'm already liking Vermillion. She's cool and is obviously in charge. The only thing I would suggest really, is just making you chapters/parts longer. Personally, I would find it more enjoyable to read something that's longer so that I can read more of it. But regardless of the length, I really liked it.

Bye for now and keep writing!

~BookWolf

Thanks! There's actually a second part, I just haven't posted it yet. The whole chapter is like, six pages in word.

User avatar
Fade
Review
Fade wrote a review · Fri Nov 28, 2014 4:48 am

Hey, Fade here for a review~

WOW. You are an AMAZING writer! I honestly could find almost nothing to critique! That takes talent, trust me.

So, as I said before, really you're doing great. One thing to work on is your dialogue. Try to stay out of the 'morning talk' type of dialogue, and you'll be able to move the story along faster.

Also, I suggest using 'Vermillion' less, as the frequency of it gets a bit irritating and, honestly, is a waste of your time, when you could simply just write 'she', or such.

One last thing, I recommend building up to the romantic scenes, such as the beginning of the post. Try to get the audience really into it, and don't rush it, so we get excited. BUT, be careful of that, for if you build up to much, the abrupt ending of that will just disappoint the readers greatly, and we don't want that.

That's about it! Great work!
~Fade :D



The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin