As a part of an experiment to create supersoldiers, a group of sixteen teenagers is sent to an uninhabited barrier island off the coast of South Carolina. Each teen has been given over to the experiment, either by being sold to the company (New Horizons) performing the experiment illegally or by being rejected by their parents and kidnapped by New Horizons. All of the teens also have something in common; the company has altered them, giving them amazing but often uncontrollable powers, and along with them, crippling mental disorders. Being the ex-leader of a gang of delinquents, a fifteen-year old girl Vermillion DeLuna becomes the leader of these new children, dubbing them the Coyotes and teaching them how to live. Renaming herself Ironclaw, she prepares them for the mobilization of New Horizon's goal: to force them to fight against and kill brainwashed and bribed adults that they release on the island.
THE
COYOTES
LEADER:
The
one in charge of the Coyotes.
IRONCLAW:
born Vermillion DeLuna, African American female with pitch black hair
and chocolate brown eyes. Left arm is a cybernetic implant. Always
carries a butcher's knife on her hip.
ADVISOR:
Next-in-line
for the title of Leader, usually close to the Leader.
ROSEHEART:
born Charlie Venicci, Italian/Asian female with reddish-brown hair
and dark green eyes. Rose tattoo on left hip.
HEALER:
The
one who aids sick or injured Coyotes.
WOLFTHORN:
born Lyla Braun, white/Native American female with brown hair and
pale green eyes. Constantly carries a collection of herbs in her
jacket to use if needed.
LEAD
FIGHTER: The
one in charge of mobilizing Coyotes during fighting.
HAWKCRY:
born Quentin Lane, Native American male with black hair and black
eyes. Uses a bow-and-arrow he crafted himself as his weapon of
choice.
LEAD
HUNTER: The
one in charge of creating hunting patrols.
HALFTOOTH:
born Riccardo Navi, Italian/Indian male with red hair and brown eyes.
Named due to the missing half of his right canine. His other teeth
are unusually sharp and long.
MESSENGER:
The
one who sends messages back and forth the Coyotes and
outsiders.
FLIGHTFOOT:
born Brenner Yates, white female with blonde hair and blue eyes. Has
an unusual run which allows her to run faster and longer than
most.
PROPHET:
The
one who is believed to have a direct link to the
Ancestors.
SKYGAZER:
born Moggie Rivers, British/Inuit female with dirty blonde hair and
gray eyes. Is blind, but her unusual eye color is not caused from her
blindness.
REDFEET
Others
who have no “special” rank.
COALRUNNER:
born Tsari Zinobu, Jamaican female with brown hair and brown eyes.
Has a long scar running from her neck to her shoulderblade.
LOCKJAW:
born Berlioz Linne, French male with caramel blonde hair and amber
eyes. Has a lopsided gait due to a broken hip that never healed
right.
REDTAIL: born Gulliver Chin, Chinese male with brown
hair and golden brown eyes. Partially deaf in one ear.
SLICKBACK:
born Christopher Sarajevo, Hispanic male with yellow-brown hair and
black eyes. Is known for his uncanny ability to dig out burrowing
mammals and catch them.
WILDDOG: born Rose Blanche,
French/Inuit male with pale ginger hair and dark brown eyes. Is known
for his remarkable size and multiple tattoos.
SNAKETOOTH: born
Shania Vellory, African American/Latina female with black-brown hair
and odd Siamese blue eyes. Also called “the snake tamer”,
makes anti-venom from venomous snakes on the island.
ICETONGUE:
born Katarina Smith, Russian white female with pale, almost white
blonde hair and deep golden eyes. Known for her strong swimming
abilities.
LILYPAD: born Nathan Strausse, mixed-race brown
skinned male with golden hair and hazel eyes. Main builder of the
Coyotes.
NEW
HORIZONS
Orion
Nox: friend of Jeorges and co-founder of New Horizons
Jeorges
Valier: founder of New Horizons
xxxxxx
In
our society, it is common knowledge that he who has money has power.
From the time we are but children, we are taught that your worth is
determined by how much money you have in the bank, the quarters in
your pocket, the dollars in daddy’s wallet. Whether this is
taught directly or indirectly varies from person to person, but the
underlying message is always there. Rich are powerful. Poor are weak.
Those who dare to deviate from this mindset are lost to the tides of
time, as they are fragile; they die poor and alone, their bodies
decay in the streets.
Jeorges Valier knew this. It was why he
spent every waking moment doing all that he could to gain wealth. You
must focus on what will make you strong, and for Valier, it was
cash—loads of it. Like a hound on the hunt, he slavered after
it. Many said that he could smell even a single penny from a mile
away. Jeorges targeted the weak, the poor, the destitute, the
middle-class people looking to jump the barrier into high class. He
didn’t just target them, though; no, it wasn’t enough. He
needed real funds, funds that weren’t his own to get higher,
higher than he was already.
He would need others who were just
as greedy and filthy rich as he was to help him with this goal.
Of
course, they wouldn’t be friends. No, they’d go down in
history just like the families of famous people who were forgotten
over time. Valier would keep all of the fame and fortune for himself,
while they withered into dust. He couldn’t be sharing the
spotlight. Valier was intelligent, at least, in that particular area
of knowledge. He excelled at getting others to join his cause,
excelled at convincing people to hand over their life savings. Had he
been a religious man, he would have been a cult leader; had he been a
politician, he would have been a dictator; but, as it were, Valier
was a businessman, a businessman in a rapidly growing area of science
that had taken a sudden, sharp, dark turn into the inky-blackness of
ethics.
Valier owned a company known as New Horizons.
Originally, in its foundation, it was made to be something of a
biotechnological institute. Valier himself had studied
bioengineering, and was quite familiar with the idea of genetics,
eugenics, evolution, mutation, and the like. Around the time of its
beginning, the idea for supersoldiers sprouted. Countries, especially
those with militaries as large as the United States’, wanted
soldiers whose abilities far surpassed that of even the strongest
human. They wanted them stronger, bigger, faster, smarter, and they
wanted them as soon as possible. Valier was smart enough to do it, of
course, to create a race of superhumans, and the thought of how rich
he would be, manufacturing and selling these artificial humans, made
him tremble with want.
Cloning was out of the question. It
would be too noticable. Too many genetically identical human beings
could also result in inbreeding, which would result in undesireables,
which would need to be disposed of in some way. Valier scratched it
off before it could even become an idea.
Using adults for this
purpose would also be useless. An adult’s brain was already
finished growing and maturing, like clay that had hardened, and any
attempt to change it would likely result in death, vegetative state,
or permanent brain damage.
Fortunately, Valier figured, through
some tests on teenage apes, that using teenagers, somewhere between
thirteen and seventeen, would produce amazing
results.
Unfortunately, a little thing called “ethics”
got in the way.
The government wouldn’t help to fund
something like this. It would be highly expensive, and highly
unethical. If there was one thing that Valier hated about the United
States, it was the political correctness. How could you focus on
ethics when there was so much more to be gained from an experiment
such as this? How could you worry about human lives when money was
worth so much more? Valier couldn’t afford to give up, though.
He had to keep going. Success was looming on the horizon, and there
was absolutely no way Valier would be willing to waste the millions
he could earn from this.
All was not lost. At the last moment,
when Valier feared that he’d have to pull out a hefty deposit
from his own savings, there was a miracle. A young man, Orion Nox,
nearly as rich and possibly greedier than Valier himself appeared.
The financial controller of hundreds of rich folk across the span of
several countries and continents, Nox had about as many morals as a
vulture. Intrigued by Valier’s idea, he was willing to aid him
in funding the project, and in procuring subjects for such a thing.
It would be easy, he said. The number of people who were already
offering to sell their children was astonishing, and plucking
runaways and homeless teenagers from the streets would almost be an
insult to their intelligence. They’d be sucking on diamond
spoons in no time, Nox assured him, smoking a cigarette in Valier’s
bed.
Negotiations were made, bank accounts were created and
destroyed simultaneously, people were contacted. Their headquarters
were erected and built in the countryside of South Carolina. It was
like laying eyes upon a newborn child for the first time, thought
Valier as he stood with Nox at his side, cuddling under his arm and
looking at him with eyes of a she-cat in heat. Work still had be
done, though. They still had to procure their experiments.
The
sun set on the tenth of January, 2013, and at 10:20 PM, the lights
flickered on in the New Horizons building.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey, so I'm super late but I'm here.
First, I actually love the character list at the beginning. It was definitely something I loved bout warriors, and i think it works great here. I really love their names too, combine that with your chapter titles and it gives your science fiction a nice, mystical feel.
Like seriously, it made me want to change my name to something cool like this, except I don't have the cool to pull it off.
Anyway, the prologue is a another matter. While it was wonderfully written and had some intense interesting ideas about power and strength, I had a hard time getting through it. I see that it's a very necessary part of your worldbuilding, and I love that you've got your world so fleshed out, but my question is this.
Do we need to know this? The answer may be yes, or it may be no. And if it no, it's probably best to cut it out. Obviously, the only person who knows the answer to this question is you.
If the answer to the above question is yes, then I have a follow up question:
Do we need to know this right now? Again, the answer may be yes. It's your story, in the end you know what's best for it. But it is possible to leave breadcrumbs of this information rather giving it all right here? Is their another, more subtle way you could deliver this information, maybe through character interaction? Could you condense some of information here and move it to later in the story. You may not be able to do any of things, for various reasons, which is totally fine.
Here's something else for you to consider. You theme is clearly and wonderfully stated here, but I wonder if it would become more powerful and impactful if you explored it more subtly. For example, when you state it so clearly here, it becomes very tell-y, where your story becomes a way of exploring this theme showing us how it manifests in your plot in characters. How does these kids reflect ideas of power? How do the adults they encounter manifest it, as well as the other players in the story? You might be able to reach a deeper level on your audience's psyche, let your messages resound with them more thoroughly, if you do it this way.
Anyway, I'm really excited see how connects with the other chapters I read. Go forth and counquer!
-Art
god, i LOVE warriors. haven't read it in a while, but i see and like where your inspiration came from.
you give the characters, their appearances, and their jobs, but throughout the story, you don't give them too much character. that's what i'd like to see more of.
new money is money that is new. nobody can be new money forever. then it turns into old money.
Valor sounds like a creep, but that was the only insight you gave into his personality, and that alone is too freaky to stick with throughout the series. 'tremble with want'. huh. he just sounds like a greedy scumbag. sometimes, scumbags have character. like jack in The Shining. that guy was a serious drunk, a monster. he killed a man. But he still cares for his son, and for others. he has his principles, which is what you need to introduce with Valier.
with the ape test subjects... how did he get permission even for that? we already have protests for using animals for cosmetics. how about in 2070? The whole thing might be BANNED by then.
Orion Nox is convenient now. but if he's worse than Valier, then he'd better be taken down at some point. he could become an enemy later.
i'm gonna keep reading this now, it's an interesting premise! happy writing!
Thank you! Yeah, a lot of the stuff gets cleared up after the story progresses
Timmy here!

So I said I would come by and review this piece for you, because I did the last bits of your book you had posted, but neglected to start at the beginning. To tell you the truth, I do this quite often. A random chapter will interest me and I will go and review it... and then I am sucked into the piece, and have to find something else of the writer's to review - hopefully being other parts of their book. I came here because I wanted mooore answers. And I know I shall get them.
Let's get started, then.
You know what bothers me here? It bothers me that you have given us so much information on these characters, and given us character templates of who they are and what their job is... and we haven't even gotten into the story yet. Imagine this story as a book, bound and all. You're the reader, opening up to the first page of the novel... and what do you see? Some character templates? The reader is going to become very confused and probably put the book down because it isn't a story to them, but an explanation of the physical descriptions of your characters and their jobs. And that is not a good way to start. A good way to start is to find some part in their lives that just gripping, intense. Start off with a scene (not an explanation of a scene. A real scene with a character and such) that just sucks the reader in and asks questions... but doesn't give all the answers. Those kind of beginnings are the kind that really make a reader want to flip the page and continue on. Something drawing and powerful. Don't get me wrong. I love the story you have here and the plot just looks so amazing. Just so amazing. I love the warped minds and how these teenagers have been changed into who they are now. Your plot idea is just pure genius. But the application of that plot idea could be warped and played with to be presented in the best possible manner.
So here is what I would do:
Those two lines there? That should be your opening chapter - not your opening line. The scene I can already envision that you could write with what I have pulled out above.... Wow, it already sounds so gripping. You need to begin your book with a scene - not explanations of scenes, and character sketches. It's very important to allow things to mature, and you can compare this with children. If you throw everything concerning life upon a child, they're going to duck and run - as far away as possible. Even if life is great, they will still see all this unknown and complicated stuff and be confused, wanting no part with it. But if you give a child little bits of life at a time, slowly teach them how to behave and what life is all about... then they can see it for what life really is, and come to a complete understanding with greater ease - enjoying themselves while they learn. You must do the same for your readers. Give them the information about your novel at a certain pace - not too fast, and not too slow. Just slowly feed us what we need to know, like the plot and the characters and the island and everything else. Then we can start to relish in the wonder you have created here. Then we can start to fully appreciate how amazing this book really is.
Gosh, now it looks as though I am the meanest guy in the world - pulling your piece apart and scattering it in the ashes. >.< I hope that is not what you see. I love this piece, and I really love your plot idea. It seems to me that, with a bit of tweaking and more writing (of course), this book idea could really soar.
Onto the next chapter now
~Darth Timmyjake
Nah, you're not bad at all! I like it when people are tough on my writing, it helps me to get better. I wanted it to be kinda like Warriors in the beggining; if you've read the series, you'll see that, in the front of the book, they have a map, then there's a section titled "ALLEGIANCES" for all of the members of the clan. This is basically just so that people can keep the characters in mind and tell them apart. If they see a character they don't recognize, they can go back to the front and figure out who they are.
This reminded me of Warriors a lot, but it also reminded me of a series called Maximum Ride. Perhaps you've heard of it?
Yes, I have!
Thought so. I've only read the first two books, though.
I love the start to this!!
I actually read chapter one before this accidently.... but now it makes a lot more sense!!
This reminds me a lot of Warriors!
Great job!
~Snazzy
Thank you so very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Just a question, have you read Warriors?
Yep! I got inspiration from that.
I could tell from the names and ranks.
Jack here for a review.
Ok firstly I love you explanation at the beginning, it was very helpful to understand that was going on. Though maybe you should remind us during the story, such as what they look like, because personally I will forget.
Next I love you idea, its like the hunger games and maze runner mixed together but so much cooler, I cant wait to find were this will go, considering they way it has already started to great.
Though there is one thing I think you should change personally. The names of the teenagers, it just doesn't agree with me. Who calls them self Coalrunner or something. Are you trying to do it like the native Americans, because personally it just doesn't work.
Anyway there is though a lot of good things I can still point out for this story. It is really easy to read, making it not only enjoyable but relaxing, and me being so lazy, its great!!
Also the way you describe how it all came to be is really well, and I can really hate the man running the Horizons. Also it raises a good fact, money over ethics, such as in the slave trade. You could really take this far, like making the teenagers over run the business and make it better.
Though I noticed that you tend to split up you paragraphs to much, just a little bit annoying. There is no need for it personally.
I just got to say I love the names of the founders of Horizon, its such a shame there bad, because know I hate them!!
Lastly I suggest that you go through and look at your sentence structure, there are in a lot of places far to many commas, were there should be less of them and even be replaced by full stops. If you went through and fixed that you would make the story even better.
Ok well I really liked what you have here, it has huge potential, and you are a great writer. Please keep me posted when you will write more, for I am already thinking of what is to come next. Anyway always keep writing. Thumbs up!!
Jack
Well, actually, their names are like that because they're their gang nicknames--they use these names instead of their birth names because they feel like their birth names are heavy and oppressive, and a mark of someone else's power over them.
I agree with you, but nick names are usually more short. It up to you though. Maybe they could just change their name to something else like Beatrice in divergent.
I enjoy these names better, they're kind of a homage to the Warrior Cats series, if you know what I mean, but thank you for the suggestion
yeah its up to you, either way I love your idea!
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Woah! In-depth much? Amazing much? And of course, coyotes! This was in-depth and thorough, the introduction gave a clear summary of what the topic was about, and I really enjoy the name. It's really hard to express my words right now, but I'd say that this could, I'm just saying could, (become published) if you spent a lot of time on it. I'll try to follow this story.
I really want to find out what happens in the first chapter!
Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoyed this story!
I've read Valiant before and the theme of being trapped was like this one; I always love when they're trapped and in a difficult situation, also like the Maze Runner. Hopefully this can go a long way!
Yeah, I hope so too, if I can get around to writing more
Hi, kingofeli!
I'm sorry I cannot review this at the moment, but this looks incredible. I will look forward to read it. Please do tag me everytime you post a chapter. I know I will fall in love with this story.
~ will be back soon.
Traunt
Ah, thank you very much! Sorry for the late reply.