12+ Mature Content

Ironclaw (Book 1): Characters and Prologue

PreviousNext

As a part of an experiment to create supersoldiers, a group of sixteen teenagers is sent to an uninhabited barrier island off the coast of South Carolina. Each teen has been given over to the experiment, either by being sold to the company (New Horizons) performing the experiment illegally or by being rejected by their parents and kidnapped by New Horizons. All of the teens also have something in common; the company has altered them, giving them amazing but often uncontrollable powers, and along with them, crippling mental disorders. Being the ex-leader of a gang of delinquents, a fifteen-year old girl Vermillion DeLuna becomes the leader of these new children, dubbing them the Coyotes and teaching them how to live. Renaming herself Ironclaw, she prepares them for the mobilization of New Horizon's goal: to force them to fight against and kill brainwashed and bribed adults that they release on the island.

THE COYOTES
LEADER: The one in charge of the Coyotes.

IRONCLAW: born Vermillion DeLuna, African American female with pitch black hair and chocolate brown eyes. Left arm is a cybernetic implant. Always carries a butcher's knife on her hip.

ADVISOR: Next-in-line for the title of Leader, usually close to the Leader.

ROSEHEART: born Charlie Venicci, Italian/Asian female with reddish-brown hair and dark green eyes. Rose tattoo on left hip.

HEALER: The one who aids sick or injured Coyotes.

WOLFTHORN: born Lyla Braun, white/Native American female with brown hair and pale green eyes. Constantly carries a collection of herbs in her jacket to use if needed.

LEAD FIGHTER: The one in charge of mobilizing Coyotes during fighting.

HAWKCRY: born Quentin Lane, Native American male with black hair and black eyes. Uses a bow-and-arrow he crafted himself as his weapon of choice.

LEAD HUNTER: The one in charge of creating hunting patrols.

HALFTOOTH: born Riccardo Navi, Italian/Indian male with red hair and brown eyes. Named due to the missing half of his right canine. His other teeth are unusually sharp and long.

MESSENGER: The one who sends messages back and forth the Coyotes and outsiders.

FLIGHTFOOT: born Brenner Yates, white female with blonde hair and blue eyes. Has an unusual run which allows her to run faster and longer than most.

PROPHET: The one who is believed to have a direct link to the Ancestors.

SKYGAZER: born Moggie Rivers, British/Inuit female with dirty blonde hair and gray eyes. Is blind, but her unusual eye color is not caused from her blindness.

REDFEET Others who have no “special” rank.

COALRUNNER: born Tsari Zinobu, Jamaican female with brown hair and brown eyes. Has a long scar running from her neck to her shoulderblade.

LOCKJAW: born Berlioz Linne, French male with caramel blonde hair and amber eyes. Has a lopsided gait due to a broken hip that never healed right.

REDTAIL: born Gulliver Chin, Chinese male with brown hair and golden brown eyes. Partially deaf in one ear.

SLICKBACK: born Christopher Sarajevo, Hispanic male with yellow-brown hair and black eyes. Is known for his uncanny ability to dig out burrowing mammals and catch them.

WILDDOG: born Rose Blanche, French/Inuit male with pale ginger hair and dark brown eyes. Is known for his remarkable size and multiple tattoos.

SNAKETOOTH: born Shania Vellory, African American/Latina female with black-brown hair and odd Siamese blue eyes. Also called “the snake tamer”, makes anti-venom from venomous snakes on the island.

ICETONGUE: born Katarina Smith, Russian white female with pale, almost white blonde hair and deep golden eyes. Known for her strong swimming abilities.

LILYPAD: born Nathan Strausse, mixed-race brown skinned male with golden hair and hazel eyes. Main builder of the Coyotes.



NEW HORIZONS

Orion Nox: friend of Jeorges and co-founder of New Horizons

Jeorges Valier: founder of New Horizons

xxxxxx

In our society, it is common knowledge that he who has money has power. From the time we are but children, we are taught that your worth is determined by how much money you have in the bank, the quarters in your pocket, the dollars in daddy’s wallet. Whether this is taught directly or indirectly varies from person to person, but the underlying message is always there. Rich are powerful. Poor are weak. Those who dare to deviate from this mindset are lost to the tides of time, as they are fragile; they die poor and alone, their bodies decay in the streets.

Jeorges Valier knew this. It was why he spent every waking moment doing all that he could to gain wealth. You must focus on what will make you strong, and for Valier, it was cash—loads of it. Like a hound on the hunt, he slavered after it. Many said that he could smell even a single penny from a mile away. Jeorges targeted the weak, the poor, the destitute, the middle-class people looking to jump the barrier into high class. He didn’t just target them, though; no, it wasn’t enough. He needed real funds, funds that weren’t his own to get higher, higher than he was already.

He would need others who were just as greedy and filthy rich as he was to help him with this goal.

Of course, they wouldn’t be friends. No, they’d go down in history just like the families of famous people who were forgotten over time. Valier would keep all of the fame and fortune for himself, while they withered into dust. He couldn’t be sharing the spotlight. Valier was intelligent, at least, in that particular area of knowledge. He excelled at getting others to join his cause, excelled at convincing people to hand over their life savings. Had he been a religious man, he would have been a cult leader; had he been a politician, he would have been a dictator; but, as it were, Valier was a businessman, a businessman in a rapidly growing area of science that had taken a sudden, sharp, dark turn into the inky-blackness of ethics.

Valier owned a company known as New Horizons. Originally, in its foundation, it was made to be something of a biotechnological institute. Valier himself had studied bioengineering, and was quite familiar with the idea of genetics, eugenics, evolution, mutation, and the like. Around the time of its beginning, the idea for supersoldiers sprouted. Countries, especially those with militaries as large as the United States’, wanted soldiers whose abilities far surpassed that of even the strongest human. They wanted them stronger, bigger, faster, smarter, and they wanted them as soon as possible. Valier was smart enough to do it, of course, to create a race of superhumans, and the thought of how rich he would be, manufacturing and selling these artificial humans, made him tremble with want.

Cloning was out of the question. It would be too noticable. Too many genetically identical human beings could also result in inbreeding, which would result in undesireables, which would need to be disposed of in some way. Valier scratched it off before it could even become an idea.

Using adults for this purpose would also be useless. An adult’s brain was already finished growing and maturing, like clay that had hardened, and any attempt to change it would likely result in death, vegetative state, or permanent brain damage.
Fortunately, Valier figured, through some tests on teenage apes, that using teenagers, somewhere between thirteen and seventeen, would produce amazing results.

Unfortunately, a little thing called “ethics” got in the way.

The government wouldn’t help to fund something like this. It would be highly expensive, and highly unethical. If there was one thing that Valier hated about the United States, it was the political correctness. How could you focus on ethics when there was so much more to be gained from an experiment such as this? How could you worry about human lives when money was worth so much more? Valier couldn’t afford to give up, though. He had to keep going. Success was looming on the horizon, and there was absolutely no way Valier would be willing to waste the millions he could earn from this.

All was not lost. At the last moment, when Valier feared that he’d have to pull out a hefty deposit from his own savings, there was a miracle. A young man, Orion Nox, nearly as rich and possibly greedier than Valier himself appeared. The financial controller of hundreds of rich folk across the span of several countries and continents, Nox had about as many morals as a vulture. Intrigued by Valier’s idea, he was willing to aid him in funding the project, and in procuring subjects for such a thing. It would be easy, he said. The number of people who were already offering to sell their children was astonishing, and plucking runaways and homeless teenagers from the streets would almost be an insult to their intelligence. They’d be sucking on diamond spoons in no time, Nox assured him, smoking a cigarette in Valier’s bed.

Negotiations were made, bank accounts were created and destroyed simultaneously, people were contacted. Their headquarters were erected and built in the countryside of South Carolina. It was like laying eyes upon a newborn child for the first time, thought Valier as he stood with Nox at his side, cuddling under his arm and looking at him with eyes of a she-cat in heat. Work still had be done, though. They still had to procure their experiments.

The sun set on the tenth of January, 2013, and at 10:20 PM, the lights flickered on in the New Horizons building.

Comments & reviews · 9
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
artemis15sc
Review

Hey, so I'm super late but I'm here.

First, I actually love the character list at the beginning. It was definitely something I loved bout warriors, and i think it works great here. I really love their names too, combine that with your chapter titles and it gives your science fiction a nice, mystical feel.

Like seriously, it made me want to change my name to something cool like this, except I don't have the cool to pull it off.

Anyway, the prologue is a another matter. While it was wonderfully written and had some intense interesting ideas about power and strength, I had a hard time getting through it. I see that it's a very necessary part of your worldbuilding, and I love that you've got your world so fleshed out, but my question is this.

Do we need to know this? The answer may be yes, or it may be no. And if it no, it's probably best to cut it out. Obviously, the only person who knows the answer to this question is you.

If the answer to the above question is yes, then I have a follow up question:

Do we need to know this right now? Again, the answer may be yes. It's your story, in the end you know what's best for it. But it is possible to leave breadcrumbs of this information rather giving it all right here? Is their another, more subtle way you could deliver this information, maybe through character interaction? Could you condense some of information here and move it to later in the story. You may not be able to do any of things, for various reasons, which is totally fine.

Here's something else for you to consider. You theme is clearly and wonderfully stated here, but I wonder if it would become more powerful and impactful if you explored it more subtly. For example, when you state it so clearly here, it becomes very tell-y, where your story becomes a way of exploring this theme showing us how it manifests in your plot in characters. How does these kids reflect ideas of power? How do the adults they encounter manifest it, as well as the other players in the story? You might be able to reach a deeper level on your audience's psyche, let your messages resound with them more thoroughly, if you do it this way.

Anyway, I'm really excited see how connects with the other chapters I read. Go forth and counquer!

-Art

User avatar
Satira
Review
Satira wrote a review · Wed Nov 26, 2014 2:50 pm

god, i LOVE warriors. haven't read it in a while, but i see and like where your inspiration came from.

you give the characters, their appearances, and their jobs, but throughout the story, you don't give them too much character. that's what i'd like to see more of.
new money is money that is new. nobody can be new money forever. then it turns into old money.
Valor sounds like a creep, but that was the only insight you gave into his personality, and that alone is too freaky to stick with throughout the series. 'tremble with want'. huh. he just sounds like a greedy scumbag. sometimes, scumbags have character. like jack in The Shining. that guy was a serious drunk, a monster. he killed a man. But he still cares for his son, and for others. he has his principles, which is what you need to introduce with Valier.
with the ape test subjects... how did he get permission even for that? we already have protests for using animals for cosmetics. how about in 2070? The whole thing might be BANNED by then.
Orion Nox is convenient now. but if he's worse than Valier, then he'd better be taken down at some point. he could become an enemy later.

i'm gonna keep reading this now, it's an interesting premise! happy writing!

Thank you! Yeah, a lot of the stuff gets cleared up after the story progresses

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here!

So I said I would come by and review this piece for you, because I did the last bits of your book you had posted, but neglected to start at the beginning. To tell you the truth, I do this quite often. A random chapter will interest me and I will go and review it... and then I am sucked into the piece, and have to find something else of the writer's to review - hopefully being other parts of their book. I came here because I wanted mooore answers. And I know I shall get them.

Let's get started, then. :)

You know what bothers me here? It bothers me that you have given us so much information on these characters, and given us character templates of who they are and what their job is... and we haven't even gotten into the story yet. Imagine this story as a book, bound and all. You're the reader, opening up to the first page of the novel... and what do you see? Some character templates? The reader is going to become very confused and probably put the book down because it isn't a story to them, but an explanation of the physical descriptions of your characters and their jobs. And that is not a good way to start. A good way to start is to find some part in their lives that just gripping, intense. Start off with a scene (not an explanation of a scene. A real scene with a character and such) that just sucks the reader in and asks questions... but doesn't give all the answers. Those kind of beginnings are the kind that really make a reader want to flip the page and continue on. Something drawing and powerful. Don't get me wrong. I love the story you have here and the plot just looks so amazing. Just so amazing. I love the warped minds and how these teenagers have been changed into who they are now. Your plot idea is just pure genius. But the application of that plot idea could be warped and played with to be presented in the best possible manner.

So here is what I would do:

As a part of an experiment to create supersoldiers, a group of sixteen teenagers is sent to an uninhabited barrier island off the coast of South Carolina.


Those two lines there? That should be your opening chapter - not your opening line. The scene I can already envision that you could write with what I have pulled out above.... Wow, it already sounds so gripping. You need to begin your book with a scene - not explanations of scenes, and character sketches. It's very important to allow things to mature, and you can compare this with children. If you throw everything concerning life upon a child, they're going to duck and run - as far away as possible. Even if life is great, they will still see all this unknown and complicated stuff and be confused, wanting no part with it. But if you give a child little bits of life at a time, slowly teach them how to behave and what life is all about... then they can see it for what life really is, and come to a complete understanding with greater ease - enjoying themselves while they learn. You must do the same for your readers. Give them the information about your novel at a certain pace - not too fast, and not too slow. Just slowly feed us what we need to know, like the plot and the characters and the island and everything else. Then we can start to relish in the wonder you have created here. Then we can start to fully appreciate how amazing this book really is.

Gosh, now it looks as though I am the meanest guy in the world - pulling your piece apart and scattering it in the ashes. >.< I hope that is not what you see. I love this piece, and I really love your plot idea. It seems to me that, with a bit of tweaking and more writing (of course), this book idea could really soar.

Onto the next chapter now
~Darth Timmyjake

Nah, you're not bad at all! I like it when people are tough on my writing, it helps me to get better. I wanted it to be kinda like Warriors in the beggining; if you've read the series, you'll see that, in the front of the book, they have a map, then there's a section titled "ALLEGIANCES" for all of the members of the clan. This is basically just so that people can keep the characters in mind and tell them apart. If they see a character they don't recognize, they can go back to the front and figure out who they are.

User avatar
Ljungtroll
Comment

This reminded me of Warriors a lot, but it also reminded me of a series called Maximum Ride. Perhaps you've heard of it?

Thought so. I've only read the first two books, though.

User avatar
Snazzy
Comment

I love the start to this!! :D I actually read chapter one before this accidently.... but now it makes a lot more sense!! :D This reminds me a lot of Warriors! :D Great job!
~Snazzy

Thank you so very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

User avatar
TigersMoon
Comment

Just a question, have you read Warriors?

Yep! I got inspiration from that.

I could tell from the names and ranks.

User avatar
Burrow
Review
Burrow wrote a review · Sat Nov 15, 2014 3:10 am

Jack here for a review.

Ok firstly I love you explanation at the beginning, it was very helpful to understand that was going on. Though maybe you should remind us during the story, such as what they look like, because personally I will forget.

Next I love you idea, its like the hunger games and maze runner mixed together but so much cooler, I cant wait to find were this will go, considering they way it has already started to great.

Though there is one thing I think you should change personally. The names of the teenagers, it just doesn't agree with me. Who calls them self Coalrunner or something. Are you trying to do it like the native Americans, because personally it just doesn't work.

Anyway there is though a lot of good things I can still point out for this story. It is really easy to read, making it not only enjoyable but relaxing, and me being so lazy, its great!!

Also the way you describe how it all came to be is really well, and I can really hate the man running the Horizons. Also it raises a good fact, money over ethics, such as in the slave trade. You could really take this far, like making the teenagers over run the business and make it better.

Though I noticed that you tend to split up you paragraphs to much, just a little bit annoying. There is no need for it personally.

I just got to say I love the names of the founders of Horizon, its such a shame there bad, because know I hate them!!

Lastly I suggest that you go through and look at your sentence structure, there are in a lot of places far to many commas, were there should be less of them and even be replaced by full stops. If you went through and fixed that you would make the story even better.

Ok well I really liked what you have here, it has huge potential, and you are a great writer. Please keep me posted when you will write more, for I am already thinking of what is to come next. Anyway always keep writing. Thumbs up!!

Jack

Well, actually, their names are like that because they're their gang nicknames--they use these names instead of their birth names because they feel like their birth names are heavy and oppressive, and a mark of someone else's power over them.

I agree with you, but nick names are usually more short. It up to you though. Maybe they could just change their name to something else like Beatrice in divergent.

I enjoy these names better, they're kind of a homage to the Warrior Cats series, if you know what I mean, but thank you for the suggestion

yeah its up to you, either way I love your idea!

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

User avatar
KatGirl
Review
KatGirl wrote a review · Sat Nov 15, 2014 2:08 am

Woah! In-depth much? Amazing much? And of course, coyotes! This was in-depth and thorough, the introduction gave a clear summary of what the topic was about, and I really enjoy the name. It's really hard to express my words right now, but I'd say that this could, I'm just saying could, (become published) if you spent a lot of time on it. I'll try to follow this story.
I really want to find out what happens in the first chapter!

Thank you so much! I'm glad that you enjoyed this story!

I've read Valiant before and the theme of being trapped was like this one; I always love when they're trapped and in a difficult situation, also like the Maze Runner. Hopefully this can go a long way!

Yeah, I hope so too, if I can get around to writing more

User avatar
IamTraunt
Comment

Hi, kingofeli!

I'm sorry I cannot review this at the moment, but this looks incredible. I will look forward to read it. Please do tag me everytime you post a chapter. I know I will fall in love with this story.

~ will be back soon.
Traunt

Ah, thank you very much! Sorry for the late reply.



When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
— Abraham Heschel