After she had freed herself from the cage, Vermillion was determined to get as far away from that particular area as possible. Once she had sprinted about one-hundred yards through the dense undergrowth and tangle of old trees, she skidded to a stop, resting beside a group of large bushes. Deciding that there was no immediate danger, she sat back down on the soft ground, starting to pick the leaves, sticks, and other tidbits from her dreadlocked black hair. It had gotten tangled, she noticed with slight upset as her fingers jammed between a cluster of locks. Great. She'd have to get to a shower as soon as possible, whenever that became an option. She still had no idea where in the hell she was, and that would have to be figured out before she did anything else.
Just as she was getting back up, joints snapping into place loudly, she heard what sounded like the muffled sounds of a struggle. Vermillion's head snapped up, her head twisting rapidly from side-to-side as she attempted to figure out where the sound was coming from. Crouching down so that she could rest her elbows on her thighs, Vermillion did her best to focus, closing her eyes and listening to the forest air. Most of what she could hear could be attributed to the usual forest clatter and clamor: lizards scuttling through the dead leaves, birds and squirrels calling and screeching from the trees. Somewhere far off, a woodpecker hammered into a trunk, the deep "thunk, thunk, thunk" resonating through the air. She continued to focus, though, tilting her head from side to side in an attempt to hear better. Nothing.
And then, just as she was settling back into the silence, there was a loud 'whack!', and then a cry of defeat. Vermillion jumped quickly to her feet, palming for the switchblade she always kept in the pocket of her leather jacket. Her fingers curled around the hilt of the blade after a few seconds of searching, and she smirked. It looked like her captors had left her some way to defend herself, after all. Mentally cursing herself for not thinking to use it earlier, she drew the weapon from her pocket, holding it in her nonmetal left hand as she slowly stalked through the undergrowth, careful as a cat stalking a mouse. She slid forward with the expertise of someone who'd spent their life training how to sneak around, moving her weight off of her feet and higher up in her legs, so as not to press down too hard on the leaves and sticks underfoot. She followed the continuous sounds of struggle, before coming to the backside of a large oak.
The oak had to be at least one-hundred years old, maybe two-hundred. It looked untouched by time or mankind, standing tall, magnificent, and regal among the skinny trees which surrounded it. Its many branches were covered in a thick canopy of glossy green leaves, a few sporting acorns clustering near the stems of the leaves. Some of the acorns had fallen on the ground, and there were a few plants sprouting a few feet from the trunk of the tree. The trunk was huge and thick; its radius had to have been longer than Vermillion was tall, and considering that she stood at a mighty six-foot-two, that was no small feat. The bark had been scarred by the usual marks of the wildlife, but there was no evidence that a human had ever touched it, save for one thing wrapped around the trunk. It was a thick rope, probably made of some kind of strong twine, and Vermillion inched closer to it carefully. The struggling sounds were closer now, and she could tell that she was upon whatever was making the sounds. It was now or never.
Leaping out from behind the tree, she boomed out, "Who are you?" At the sight of her, the person who'd been struggling with the rope shrieked, falling backwards onto the ground. Their eyes--Vermillion couldn't tell right away whether the person was male or female--had focused on her knife with absolute terror. The rope was tied around their wrists, making it nearly impossible for them to escape. They looked almost feral, with their hair wild and untamed, eyes wide and panicked. As the adrenaline started to fade from Vermillion's body, she exhaled slowly, focusing more on the person in front of her.
"I-if you're the person who brought me here," the other started to say in a squeaky voice, "th-then you stay away from me! I-I'm not afraid to fight you, even if you do have a knife! I'll do it, I will!" They strained at the edge of the ropes, then fell over again in shock as Vermillion approached, a smirk on her face. There was some sort of fire in the other person's eyes, a light that intrigued her, even though she'd just been threatened. She could tell that this person had no knowledge of how to really fight, and even if they wanted to, their hands were bound. There was no way they'd be able to take her on like this, but she wasn't interested in fighting at the moment, anyway.
"Relax," Vermillion said when she reached the other person. They remained tense for a moment, eyes and body still not relaxing. Their face was wrinkled in an expression of distrust, the skin around their eyes, cheeks, and nose forming little worry ridges of skin. She imagined that, had that person been a cat, their tail would be lashing back and forth with fervor. "I ain't gonna hurt ya'. If ya' want, I'll cut these ropes." She held up the switchblade in a gentle manner, aiming to show that she was not interested in cutting the other person. Although they didn't relax, they did roll over so that she could get at the ropes, which was exactly what she did.
Ah, the blade was just as sharp and sleek as she remembered it, Vermillion thought as she cut through the thick ropes with ease. They offered her no problem as she sliced them into ribbons, finally freeing the one it held captive.
The other person tumbled out of the trap, flexing their wrists with the newfound freedom, before looking back up at Vermillion. She'd half expected them to flee as soon as she freed them, but they simply stared at her with wonder and interest. Following their line of sight, Vermillion could see that they were staring straight at her prosthetic, and she shifted uncomfortably, pushing it behind her back.
"Oh, I'm sorry, that's not polite, is it?" The other gave a nervous smile, then offered their hand. "I'm Charlie Venicci, nice to meet you." She--Vermillion was sure that they were a she now--twirled a lock of reddish-brown hair around her tanned finger. "Thanks for getting me out of that and not killing me."
"You're...welcome," Vermillion replied, shaking her hand after pausing for a bit. How exactly does one respond to that? Was it meant to be a compliment? Releasing Charlie's hand, Vermillion motioned to the now-cut rope.
"How'd you get stuck in there?"
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
So, I haven't read the chapter before this, but it seems like were in an escape scene. I liked how even though you took time to describe things, I could still feel your character's urgency. The conflict was still present and I felt like your character was still in danger. So, overall, nice pacing.
And about your description, it was beautiful, and completely uncliched in ways I can only dream! I think you had just the right amount. And not only it was it expertly and interestingly crafted but you weaved all five senses together magnificently. I felt like I was brought into the jungle right along with Vermillion. Nice!
Since that's all good, all I really have for you are some writing style comments.
The first is the word that.That is an interesting word because it's often used needlessly. For example this sentence, "The trunk was huge and thick; its radius had to have been longer than Vermillion was tall, and considering that she stood at a mighty six-foot-two, that was no small feat. " could become "The trunk was huge and thick; its radius had to have been longer than Vermillion was tall, and considering she stood at a mighty six-foot-two, that was no small feat. " See how it still makes sense? I recommend reading every sentence without the word that and if it still makes sense, delete it.
The other comment I have is the word tell which is also used needlessly, For example, this sentence, "She could tell that this person had no knowledge of how to really fight, and even if they wanted to, their hands were bound." could become, "This person had no knowledge of how to really fight, and even if they wanted to, their hands were bound." It still makes sense and gets rid of those pesky thats and tells.
Every word counts in a novel. You don't want weak, unnecessary words weighing down your powerful sentences.
Seriously though, this was amazing, I'm jealous.
Thanks for sharing!
-Art
Thank you so much! These are all unedited rough drafts so there's a lot of extra fluffy stuff that won't be in the final, but thank you for pointing out some stuff I could work on! I really enjoy it, and thanks again for such a kind review!
Timmy here!
So I am just going to go through and give you the best review I can in the next upcoming moments, so I will probably be skipping over a lot of the good points I would normally be talking about and showing you - for your encouragement - and just go through some things that I think could be improved upon. Ready?
Lets' go.
So one thing I notice while reading through this is that your piece doesn't really have any dips or slows - just continues on at the same pace throughout. With writing, it is good to find your style and then keep to it, and have your pacing and all that jazz, but there is more to pacing than simply having time go by at the same rate throughout the piece. Pacing also includes, in my way of looking at things, the pace of the moment. So a Marvel movie has poor pacing, in my opinion. You go through and the entire movie is blaaaaaaaaa - constant action throughout. There needs to be slows and such throughout. So let me show you what I mean:
So this part will be a good example for what I am saying, although not long enough to really show what I want. With every piece of writing, there needs to be moments where the character can think, a time where the character can take a breath - survey the scene and such. And action after action doesn't really give them that. So your writing is somewhat similar to this: She did this. She did that. She did this. She did that. Obviously, you have your own unique style to all this, but if you take each sentence and just ask yourself, "what happened in here?" - you will come up with a similar thing to what I just wrote out. Each sentence is an action on the character's part. Dice it up, vary your sentences a bit. Show us emotion, her panicked expression - the sounds echoing behind her. Don't be afraid to slow down for a moment and let her show us the scene... and her emotions while you're at it. That is where the key lies - in emotion. You have to show us a complete scene while writing, implementing every aspect of writing into it. Emotions. Action. Thought. Descriptions. All of it needs to be implemented even into every paragraph. That is how important this thing is. Just about each aspect of writing should be inside each and every paragraph - varying levels of each, depending on the place.
Now this is what I am talking about! You have emotions, action, description - all of it. So perfectly done, too. I can just hear the character's thought and how they say it. Wow. One thing I would think about, though: Look at the part where she is thinking. You know, where she is saying that "sharp and sleek as she remembered it". Well, when you look at that part, it seems just fine. Perfect. But then you have the "Vermillion thought" directly afterwards, which corkscrews the entire paragraph around because now something which read fine as third person should have been stated in first person. So if you take out the "Vermillion thought" - it reads perfectly fine. But if you want that part in there then you must write it like this:
So I think you did a wonderful job with this piece, and I really enjoyed it. As it went on, the strained parts in the beginning faded away into a more flowing piece. And the end got even better. You have good dialogue, as well. Sometimes your formatting and punctuation in them can be a bit much and somewhat distracting, but I think all it needs is a bit of tweaking as you go along. Really, I think you did an amazing job and I can't wait until the next chapter.
Perhaps now I shall go back and read the first chapters, just so I fully understand what is going on and can give you a more in-depth review on this. I normally comment on plot, too, but since I didn't know anything about the previous chapters, I thought I would leave them alone.
Keep typing away! You have got this.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks so much! This is one of the best reviews I've gotten on my piece and I really think it'll help me. I did rush this part of the novel a bit, I admit, but I enjoy the time you took to write your review!
You're welcome! I think I shall be able to get to the other piece soon, if you like. ^.^