My heart is made of glass
My mind is made of rock
My soul is a frayed cloth
You took your hands,
stronger then titanium,
And shattered my heart.
You killed me in one squeeze
Are you happy?
I wouldn’t let you break my mind
So instead you dug beneath it
Put a worm in my brain
And watched me fall down, insane
You wore my soul on you
A splash of color to your monotone fields
Then you picked the edges
Watched me fall away in a tangled mess
Made my threads usless
Then walked away like I was trash
My skin was yours forever
You let the scars settle deep
Then said I had always been a never
And let me fall into the dark
You took my love like a collectible
Made me seem like a gullible fool
You called me a delight
Then you left me behind without a shaft of light
Did you have fun mutilating me?
Letting me fall for your tricks
Still, now I can see
I see the kicks you get
Leave me be, stop the hurting
I’m better off without you
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Hey there! Here for your second make up Secret Santa review.
Hmm! It seems like you have a theme between these two poems. You like going through various ways that a person has harmed the other.
I think I may like this poem better than the one I just left a review on, though, because you really get into specifics here, and I like specifics. This is my first favorite part:
It is lovely because it sticks to the introduction. I liked the originality of the "my mind is a rock" because I don't often hear a mind described that way. I liked that you explored it in such a specific and image-filled way, and that it produced an effect that we could believe in real life. By leaving the "insane" open to interpretation, you let many readers get inside and put their own traumas in that place.
However...
I would suggest maybe trying to get away from the idea of a shattered heart. It's the weakest of your images and has been done before. I'd also consider cutting EVERYTHING after
Because it just kind of repeats in different words the concepts that are more skillfully described in the stanza I mentioned earlier and this one:
I love this for pretty much the same reason I loved the other. It's very specific. It has nice, concrete motions: the picking of the edges, the falling of the threads. It's an image that's clear in my mind. I think it might be beneficial to choose a color for the narrator to be and a color for the abuser to be, just because "color" v "monotone" is not very clear, and thus weakens the image. Also, the last line might be missing a "was", and the second to last line makes no sense. xD
So there y'are. All caught up! Hopefully I was of some help to you.
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about these reviews.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hi Ka67! I'm June!
I think that poetry is an excellent way to express yourself, especially when you're battling heavy emotions. However, too often do people try to write about an emotive event that's completely arbitrary: the breaking of a heart, the shattering of confidence, the fall of an ego, but they forget to include the absolutely necessary details such as the why. Without knowing what this means to you, we are unable to take interest in what you're writing. If you provide us with details that are specific to your situation, personifying details, or details of events leading up the the heartache, I think we could better relate.
Best,
June
I enjoyed reading your poem, your word choice was my favorite part (example: "gullible", "shaft", "mutilating"), also you had some really nice imagery. There was some nice rhyming, and it didn't seemed forced. I think it'd be even better if you make all the stanzas four lines long, or consistent. I also think there could be a little more punctuation.
Hi ka67! Niteowl here to review this lovely piece for Team Dreamwave!
Overall, I really liked this. It was fun to read out loud and there's some cool images.
I'll be honest, I wasn't optimistic after the first line. Heart's made of glass? That's been done quite a bit. Why not make it out of Silly Putty or something? I did like the mind is a rock and the soul as cloth. I haven't seen that before.
Should unless be useless? And I think you meant "I was trash".
So you seem to be doing free verse, albeit with some interesting internal rhymes. So why this forced rhyme? You could make it shorter and it might still fit "Then left me without light"
Overall, lovely piece, just some minor points to consider. Good job and keep writing!
Wow! That's really good! You did really well with the rhyming and your spelling and punctuation was good! I can't really think of any improvements! Ooh, probably just a typo or something but in 'stronger then titanium,' it should be 'stronger than titanium'. So yeah, well done!
tiggpanda145
wow! i like ur work wat a rhyming sense u have! its' a grt stuff! ur questionnaire is the awesome part of this stuff! u asked tough questions! i am speechless! ur stanzas are very well connected. ur rhyming scheme which is abcd! i guess! well, u hv done a good job! i like it. seriously! now when u r writing ur next poetry! i will wait for ur next work impatiently!
overall grt stuff! keep going pal!