Young Writers Society

Ah! So. I am exceedingly glad that you do not steer away from gory details. In this plot, they are necessary to make the scene feel real. That said, I think you could do with a little research. Or at least display your research in a more concrete manner, 'cause I don't know exactly how someone with stomach acid eating them away, organs ripped out through their stomach, AND their throat cut (so many open wounds letting out the blood from their body) would die a slow death.

I would also like to know more about this situation. Setting it in reason and reality makes it feel more real, even though we all know it's fiction. At the end it seems like it's a little boy that does this killing? How would a little boy know to cut open someone's stomach for their organs or later cut their throat? What would have taught him about this? Was he really a demon? Is that what you want to put in this story? Or is it realistic? Anyway, what was the motivation? All we have in this text is the death enacted, no reason, no commentary. You say "death is not understandable" at the end, but like... if you're trying to make it seem like we really, genuinely can't understand it because it was so random, you have to start with normal, the boring every-day life of this woman/man, and then get them into the suddenly random death situation. That way we see the contrast and get the conflict of situations.

Hopefully this was helpful to you.
Good luck and keep writing, and let me know through PM if you have any questions or comments about my review~

Right it is not poetry. But it is really interesting piece of work. Keep on.

Hi there, ka67.

Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.

As it is, this work is not a poem. It's a descriptive bit of prose. Just because you sort of break things up into lines doesn't mean that it is poetry. You can, however, turn this prose into poetry if you revise it like a madman. I'll give you some advice.

In poetry, less is more. Here, you use words and words and words and more words. You don't want to do that. You want to give the reader fleeting, intense images that use as few words as possible. Here, you describe every detail of this person. Cut down on the number of words you use. Also, always think about this: "Is it needed to drive the poem along?" Your description of his face structure is completely unneeded. I would even say that you shouldn't put that in prose. You must let the reader fill in some blanks. Otherwise, it's not interesting.

I would also use shorter lines. You use huge, rambling lines that don't make much sense. That goes with cutting down on the number of words you use, though. Here, let me give you an example of how I would write the first bit (this is just an example, you should find your own style):
"The sky rested within his eyes;
the sun within his hair.
Wings rose from above his back,
but fangs resided behind closed lips."

See also how I'm not saying explicitly that he's a demon? But I'm saying what you're saying without actually saying it. That's showing and not telling. You tend to tell throughout the entire piece. Be subtle, but not too subtle. Don't say "I was not sure how I'd ended up in such a situation where he could smirk and show me how evil he really was," say "his smirk colored my face in confusion" or something like that. It's a more interesting and illustrative way to give the story.

Altogether, cut down on words and telling, and bulk up on subtlety. You do have the material here for an interesting poem. Now let's refine the rough rock into a polished gemstone.
I hope this review was helpful to you. Keep writing.