Trapped Inside

Hey dear, here to do a review .

Okay, so I really enjoyed the idea here. Very relate able because everyone can take it in their own way and apply it to their own situations, which is good, I rarely see something like that. You give really amazing, clear images that I could easily see in my head, which was wonderful.

"Your eyes were daggers
They cut my wrists and watched me bleed
And in front of you I died in misery"

That was by far my favourite line. It was beautifully written, and I can see it happened, in a way. This really touched me and I honestly loved this poem.

Good job

Oh wow! There are so many deaths packed into this relatively short poem that the idea is really intense and that concept of agony comes across rather clearly. I think it's because we all kind of know that death is a release because it only comes once. To see it happening over and over again in many different ways feels like a punishment in hell where they can't stop the tasks they can never finish. I like this! It's really strong and supports your poem very well!

If I could suggest one thing for this poem, it would be to give more specifics to the death. Use concrete images and words to evoke a sense of reality. Use words close to feelings and senses to bring it alive for the reader as well. Mention body parts or visceral sensations. For example, if I talk about spit glistening on a tongue, you're suddenly aware of the inside of your own mouth and that connects you subconsciously even deeper to my writing. You can do the same here and support your topic even more!

But on another good note, I have to say my favorite image was of this person draining her colors and keeping them in a jar. It was just a new way to die, and I loved that creativity along side the more rational options.

Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
Good luck~ Keep writing~
And just so you know, this is the first of the two reviews you were supposed to receive from your Secret Santa, but never did. Merry Christmas! I'm off to give you another~

This was an awesome poem, and I was literally inching closer to my screen to read it! Amazing imagery and touching emotion...I wasn't expecting how good it would be.

The content was very good, but the punctuation needs checking over. Periods are a good things to have so that it doesn't feel like it's becoming a run on sentence. It would be a good idea to go back and double check that it isn't all running together. Fortunately I'm a fast reader and don't notice things like that until I re-read the poem to see if there is something that I should point out to the author

Well now I feel like I'm rambling. Overall very good, except that I didn't really understand the one sentence “Steal and unbreakable lies." Was it meant to describe the hold he had on her? Very nicely done, I'm actually very excited to go read more of your work!! Keep writing

I think this has a good theme and a lot of creative space for imagery, but theres just a few things you could modify :p

You should spice up your word use. Take words like trapped, unbreakable, and endless. These words are used a lot to set this kind of tone and it can bore readers. Your diction can individualize your poem.

You should also be careful about rhyming. Rhymes need to be consistent; either the poem rhymes, or it doesn't. The somewhat cluttered rhymes in the third and fourth stanza were distracting from the piece as a whole. Trade the rhymes for another visual to strengthen the plot.

Other than that, I really liked this! Keep up the writing and good day

-housecat

Hi!

Wow, I really, really, really like this poem. It is very well written, the wording of the poem is beautiful. I thought the flow was good, and I liked the three lines at the time, so it got a little confusing in the end.

But really, this is amazing. You're good at telling stories, I thought it was beautiful and relatable without being cliché

My favorite stanza was this:

"You stole my voice with one kiss
Watched me gasp in utter silence
Then lost it among your cluttered mind"

Beautiful

Well done, I look forward to reading more from you

Hi! I need more points for Christmas in July!

You wanted to stare me down
Hold me under
Then watch me drown

You put your fist in mine
Steel and unbreakable lies
than pulled the trigger and watched me die

Your eyes were daggers
They cut my wrists and watched me bleed
And in front of you I died in misery

Your breath was poison
Disposing of my life with a single exhale
Trapped beneath you, no screams for I was too frail

You drained my colors and my soul
Trapped it in a jar to keep me close
It is where I’m trapped by your hold

You stole my voice with one kiss
Watched me gasp in utter silence
Then lost it among your cluttered mind

I’ll never be let go
You’ll always keep me close
Where I’ll be by your side

Where you don’t want me
But have to keep me

Trapped inside endless agony

Hi this was a really cool poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Sorry about all the exclaimation thingys hehehehe)
Well, I really enjoyed this poem.

My favorite part was the, ''Your breath was poisen disposing of my life with a single exhale trapped beneath you,no screams for I was too frail.''

So..yeh...happy writing! Hope to see more soon! Great job! :):):) -De12