I’d never known what it was like to want to breathe for someone till I knew you.
Till I searched the color spectrum of your soul and felt your laugh make my heart tremble like a child’s body on Christmas day.
I also had no idea that it was like to want to die because of someone, not really.
I had no idea how breathless your abandonment would make me feel until you were so gone. I cut the shit out of my skin and felt like my insides had disappeared.
It lasted months.
So.Many.Months.
A million eternities passed until I had begun to smile again. Still, though, it was hard for me to breath with the lungs I’d made, hard to function with the organs I had to craft after you took everything from me.
A million eternities until you waltzed in, took all my research and progress, and ripped all my feeling from me. Again.
You’d lose feeling, and decided stealing mine was better than anything. So once those feelings began to fail, you came in and stole from me again. And again. And again.
But it’s my fault. I never change the locks because of hope that each time I hear your footsteps a different outcome will occur.
But it doesn’t.
~
Don’t. Don’t even try. Don’t say another word; don’t type my name like you do. Get the fuck out of my inbox because I am done.
I’m done with the sorrys and pleases and begging. I’m done with the pleading and the moonlight shining on my tear-streaked face.
I’m tired of the frostbite on my lips each we kissed because you’re just that cold.
I’m tired of whispering your name like a prayer, because that sort of devotion is made for false gods and I’m an atheist and you’re just a person.
You’re just a person who won my heart but shredded it and kept half the pieces tucked in your jeans so you could keep coming back and I’d keeping smiling. You’re just a person who didn’t realize I wasn’t dreaming, so when you slept I got up and rifled for some pieces and I can’t put them back but I have them and I’m done.
I’m done with the “we broke up”s and the “what do you mean?”s and the “I don’t know”s. I’m done with your stupid flawless smile and your stupid flawless face. Done. Done. Done.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Man. This gripped me so bad. I completely understand this to an extent. I've gone through the same thing. This piece is great!
Not only did you write this with astounding emotion, but you wrote something that a majority of people can relate to.
The first line grabbed me. The very fact that you felt you had to breathe for someone shows the emotions you had built up over this person. Whether they be a strong-bond friend or a star-crossed lover, this poem has enough sentimental value to cover a variety of cases.
The first poem was astounding, and the way you used repetition was great as well. For example, when you said "A million eternities..." twice, it showed just how you felt. And your lines, the way you placed your words, like "ripped all the feeling from me." Or when you said "I never change the locks because of hope that each time I hear your footsteps a different outcome will occur." That took me and it still hasn't let me go. That was probably my favorite line from both poems.
I feel as though the second poem was about the same person as the first poem, but the second one was more aggressive, more hostile. The second poem was great, and reminded me of a few punk songs that I listen to. For example "Scattered" by Green Day. (Great song).
I understand that these are very heartfelt and dramatic poems, and I'm not one for correcting the little things in poems, especially because I mess up myself. But I would take a look at your poem very carefully, because there are a few spots where you left out one word, and the sentence seems incorrect. Like the eighth line down on your first poem, "I had no idea how breathless your abandonment would me feel until you were so gone." You are simply just missing the word "make".
Overall, this was a great piece, and I feel honored to have heard such emotion from you. It's not everyday that you hear two dramatic pieces with as much imagery as you have portrayed today. Thank you for sharing! I hope to read more from you!
-Payds
Hello! Tigerlilly here to review on this wonderful review day!
Oh my! This is absolutely gorgeous in a way that is a bit hard to explain. There are so many emotions, thoughts, and experiences spattered into a poem. It's very interesting as well as relatable, as I have felt some of these feelings at one point.
Now for nitpicks:
"I had no idea how breathless
your abandonment would me feel until you were so gone."
that should be "I had no idea how breathless
your abandonment would make me feel until you were so gone."
(you had forgotten the word 'make'.
Other than that, I don't see anything I would like to change. This poem overall is just a pure work of art, and I wont be forgetting it soon. Thank you for writing something that touched my heart, and have a wonderful day.
hi Ka67.
i am siya.
wow just wow. That's all i have to say for this piece that you have written.The first half is all about the devoted love a person i am guessing you have felt for a special someone and this may be invading your personal space but i cant help but ask you if you wrote this poem from experience and that you have gone through all that heartbreaking misery or have you just penned down this poem on false accounts or your vision of cheating, backstabbing love.
i myself am just 13 and so don't find it quite right to judge someone on the basis of love as i have absolutely no idea how it would feel but i can tell you this :your poem was like real deep. I know you were probably expecting an older person to review this so sorry for reviewing this even after having such a young age. i just wanted you to know that i really liked this poem as after reading it i felt an impact on myself for about some time. great job keep on writing.
No intrustion! Thanks for the review, and to expand, it is a more experience based poem, but it isn't just one person and it was never a person I'd met in real life. Be it friends I've drifted from, a guy who keeps trying to come back who was a best friend and a really close relationship too, or people I've met who I've known forever but feel no connection to or hate. It's just a lot of experiences all rolled up into one kind crappy poem.
Thanks! I really appreciate that you liked it and took time to review.
Well, now that you say it i do realize how it could fit in any relationship. thanks for the extra information though.