z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 6-- Lone Voice Radio: Part 1

by jumpingsheep


Monday, November 30th—4:39 PM

The DAMCOM has been running for almost two weeks now. I have to say, it’s probably the best thing that’s happened to us since we started this show. If you don’t remember, the DAMCOM is the system that Gavin set up so that contacts can anonymously send in information that we broadcast. Users can register a “cell”, whose members work together to collect any information that they can find on the Novites. Gavin even updated the system so that we now have chat-rooms and forums. According to Gavin, the system is uber-secure, although I’m not really sure what kind of safeguards Gavin has to prevent Novites from signing up.

I was scrolling through the forums when I saw a post that caught my eye.

ROOMMATE HAS GONE MISSING?!

I sucked in a breath and opened up the topic. Details were posted below.

Okay so my roommate James has gone missing. I though he was sick and I assumed he was at the health center—he’s prone to bronchitis—but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts or calls. Maybe I’m just being paranoid? Idk, people are going missing and I’m afraid he was taken too. Please respond asap, I don’t know what to do.

--Sparkydog95

Responses were streaming in. Sparky said that the last time they had talked to James was on Friday, when James was on the way to a doctor’s appointment.

Coincidence?

I think not.

I opened up a private chat with Sparky.

Singularity: I saw your post. What’s the name of the doctor’s office James goes to?

Sparkydog95: No idea. It’s not the one on campus.

We chatted for a while and Sparky gave me that address of the nearest hospital to their campus. We lucked out; it’s only forty minutes away from where I live.

Singularity: Okay, we’ll check out the scene. Sit tight. I’ll message you if we find anything.:

Sparkydog95: Thx so much. Love the show.

I guess the Lone Voice crew has a mission. We need to do some detective work.

Tuesday, December 1st—9:42 AM

“It’s weird,” says Gavin during study hall the next day when I show him the conversation.

“What do you mean?” I have several tabs open on the computer, all research I’m doing pre-mission. I’m excited for this investigation. Which is strange, considering how our trip to Ms. Whitson’s house went.

“Well,” says Gavin thoughtfully, “If he lives almost an hour away, how can he listen to our show?”

“I’m still not getting it.”

Gavin slides his uncompleted math homework into his folder and slides his chair over. “Well, this radio show only runs on about ten watts. That should only give us a few miles range.”

I start drumming my pencil on my desk as I work through what Gavin is saying. “So does he not listen to the show? Is this a trap?”

Gavin scrunches up is face and shrugs. “I don’t think so. I’m almost certain Novites can’t get into the system and he seems pretty legit.”

“Gavin, we have no idea who this guy is. It’s the Internet, remember? The point of the DAMCOM is that it is anonymous.”

“Trust me, I have so much security and checks on that system that Novites will never get in. I set up algorithms that detect Novite users when they sign up. Everyone in this system has to write a two-hundred word biography for their profile. Users can input fake information, I don’t really care, but the DAMCOM can catch Novites based on how they write their user biography.”

I want to believe that the DAMCOM is secure, but I can’t think of any other reason why Sparky would have been able to access our radio show. Unless…

“Gavin, what if someone is retransmitting our broadcasts?”

“You mean someone is using a repeater, recording, and then transmitting out our broadcasts again in order to reach a different region?”

“Yeah. Someone could be doing that, right?”

“Wait a minute.”

Gavin grabs the keyboard and opens a new browser tab. He searches “lone voice radio”. and results fill the screen. Some are links to YouTube videos and when Gavin clicks on them, they’re full length recordings of Friday night’s broadcast. Below the videos are links to blogs, titled things like “These Guys are the TRUTH!” or “10 Things The Novites Don’t Want You to Know”, with our radio show being ranked on the list.

Well, here were all the resisters to the Novite regime. “Jeez,” I say, running my hand down the computer screen. Gavin swats it away.

“Don’t gunk up my screen.”

"Look at all these results, Gavin! I think we have more listeners than we thought.”

“You’re telling me. This YouTube video has more than a hundred-thousand views.”

There the seven of us were, locked in the RV last Friday night, blissfully unaware that our show was reaching hundreds of thousands of listeners. We celebrated when we crossed the one-hundred listener threshold. A thousand times more people had heard us.

I point to the user who had uploaded our last broadcast. “Aren’t they risking a lot? Can’t the Novites just track them?”

The bell rings, signaling the end of the period. I pack up my books as Gavin answers my question. “Eh, the Internet is so expansive that it would take ages for them to crack down on the uploaders. It’s easier to just cut it off at the source.”

“And we’re the source?”

“Yep. We’re going viral. Sucks, doesn’t it?”

2:07 PM

After our discovery earlier today, I nearly forgot about Sparky’s missing roommate. Alicia drove me home from school today. I explained to her what the mission may entail. After I finished, Alicia simply shook her head and said “That has to be the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. We’re not sneaking into a hospital to look for clues. That’s just asking for trouble.”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds!” Arguing with Alicia was like arguing with my mom. “Seriously. We just go in and see if there’s any sign of Sparky’s friend. In and out. Ten minutes tops.”

“Just lie. Tell Sparky that you went and didn’t find anything.”

“Don’t you want to know what’s happening to these people?”

Alicia sighed and finally gave in. “Okay. So what’s the plan?”

Wednesday, December 2nd—2:26 PM

Matt, Alicia, and I are on our way to the hospital. It’s about thirty degrees outside but Matt has his window down. “LONE VOICE ROAD TRIP!” he yells into the cold air.

Alicia rolls up the window but she laughs. “Thank God this is only a forty minute drive. I don’t think I’d survive a full-length road trip with you guys.”

Matt plugs his phone into the car radio and I hear rock’n’roll begin pumping through the stereo. “The Who,” Matt says, reclining his chair as far back as it’ll go. “One of the greatest bands to ever walk this earth.”

With music blasting and the frigid wind sweeping through the car, we continue towards the hospital. None of us really know what we expect to find. At this point, even the smallest clue would be helpful.

Twenty minutes later, we drive into the hospital parking garage and Alicia carefully pulls her car into a tight parking space on one of the lower levels. “Olivia, got a plan?” Alicia asks as we head for the stairwell. “This trip was your idea.”

“Erm… yeah, I have some ideas.”

I have no plan at all. I’ll have to improvise one. How hard can it be?

“Okay… so I’m thinking we go upstairs and find maybe a patient directory or something and then—”

“Olivia?” Matt points to a sign on the landing. It has the Novite seal on it, followed by an arrow pointing downwards.

I turn back around and start descending the stairs. “See? This is easier than we thought!” My voice floats up the stairwell, echoing off the concrete steps.

Alicia nudges my arm and shushes me. “Jeez, Olivia. You’ll get us caught before we even get down there.”

At the bottom of the stairs we are greeted by a waiting room. It looks like a standard hospital waiting room, with faded blue carpets and off-white walls. There are a couple of patients sitting in the armchairs, reading magazines and newspapers.

The receptionist looks up from her computer and sees us standing in the doorway. “Hi, does one of you have an appointment?” I notice the pin on her lapel and lean over to whisper in Matt’s ear. “Novite official”. Matt looks confused, until his eyes fall on the red, blue, and black symbol boldly proclaiming the receptionist’s allegiance. Alicia timidly raises her hand. “Yeah, I have an appointment.”

The receptionist places her fingers over the keyboard. “Name?”

“Grim Seeker.”

The receptionist pauses. “What?”

“Grim Seeker. G, R, I, M, space, S, E, E—”

Matt and I snicker as the receptionist leaves the room to go look up Alicia’s file. Alicia turns around and smirks. “I probably shouldn’t have used my radio name as my undercover name.”

With the receptionist gone, I pull Matt and Alicia down into the hallway that leads off of the waiting room. “Exploration time.” I say in a stage-whisper. We peek around a few corners and into a few rooms.

All of the sudden, an earsplitting scream rips through the hallway! I jump back, nearly tripping on Alicia as the screaming continues and more voices join the cacophony.

“YOU SIGNED THE FORMS!”

“I DIDN’T KNOW! YOU SAID IT WAS A FREE CHECKUP!”

“GET HER OUT OF HERE!”

We all are frozen in place, terrified. “Someone needs to help her!” I cry. “Watch! I bet she’s going to go ‘missing’!”

“No! Are you crazy?!” counters Alicia. “Who knows what’s going on down there!?”

The yelling and screaming continues, masking my footsteps as I tread down the hall. If I could just see. When I turn the corner, I am hit with a blast of cold air. A door at the end of the hall is open and I see people crowded around a black van, with the Novite symbol emblazoned on the side of it. I stumble backwards and one of the people turns around and sees me. “Hey!”

I turn and sprint back towards Matt and Alicia, my shoes struggling to get a grip on the slick linoleum tiles. I heard footsteps gaining behind me, and I feel their pounding through the floor. “Matt, Alicia, run!” I yell down the hall. I turn the final corner into the waiting room. Matt pushes the door open and we cross into the stairwell. Two by two, I leap up the stairs. The waiting room door opens and I hear someone yelling “STOP!”

The three of us finally reach the floor we parked on and I slam the doors open. Alicia is already pulling out her keys as we race across the parking garage. Her car chirps and we pile in. Alicia swoops out of the parking spot and tears down the ramp, tires squeaking. I see our pursuers opening the stairwell door. “Alicia, slow down!” Matt yells.

“No, no, no,” I respond. “Speed up!”

We fly onto the main road, swerving into traffic. Alicia grips the wheel so tightly that I can see her knuckles turning white. A car horn blares as we cut off a line of traffic. "Alicia, are you trying to get us killed?!" I yell over the pandemonium. Alicia doesn't answer, but she finally slows down and we fall into sync with the rest of the cars. The three of us heave a sigh of relief.

“That was... wild.” I stutter, still dizzy with adrenaline.

Alicia nods in agreement. “If the pirate radio station wasn’t enough…”

“We could have died,” contributes Matt.

“Don’t be so morbid. I don’t even think they had weapons with them.”

“It seems like the Novites are sending letters out and luring people in with a free checkup,” I say. “But we still don’t know how they are deciding who does and doesn’t get the letter.”

Matt shrugs. “Maybe it’s random.”

“Nah,” I argue. “The Novites don’t seem like the random type.”

When I get home, I log into the DAMCOM and send a report to Sparky.

Singularity: We went to the hospital. We didn’t find James, but it seems like they are luring people into these appointments with the promise of a free checkup and then they kidnap them from there.

Sparkydog95: Damn. Ok thx anyways.

The conversation dwindles out and I spend the night surfing the Internet. Our radio show is basically viral and blogs everywhere are reporting in on us. You have an audience, Singularity. What are you going to do with it?

Friday, December 4th—9:50 PM

Another Friday has rolled around and we’re prepping for our sixth broadcast. We're talking about our recently inflated audience.  “I wonder how long until a big news station picks up our story,” says Raymond excitedly. “We could be famous!”

“Yeah, famous and under arrest,” snorts Alicia.

“Infamous,” adds Lauren.

Raymond pulls his snap-back hat down low and settles dejectedly into the RV booth seat. "I was just kidding."

I pull Raymond's cap back up and say "This fame is a curse, not a blessing. You know that, right? I wish I could be news-story famous, too, dude, but this radio show is something we need to be anonymous with."

At ten ’o’clock, Kaylah starts the intro music and we get comfortable, preparing for a long broadcast. Our show has been getting longer each week as our topic list grows. I mention the letters, although I don’t mention our escapade at the hospital. If they managed to I.D. us at the hospital, and then connect us to the Lone Voice radio show, we’d be dead in a matter of hours.

Near the end of the show, I offer a few words of support, now knowing that I have a larger audience. “I know these are trying times. Many of us have more questions than we have answers. I don’t know why the Novites are here or what their purpose is. Hopefully the chipping is as far as they’re planning to go.”

“We need to be a support system for each other. The government won’t be helping us. The police probably won’t, either. Be investigators. Seek the answers; I know they're out there. I’m Singularity, signing off. Be smart, have faith, keep each other safe. Good luck.”

I lean back and start the music, letting the soft chords of “Stand by Me” drift into the ever-darkening night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N

Woohoo! Another chapter!

As always, if you enjoyed this chapter, leave a like, comment, or recommend this story to a friend! If you didn’t enjoy it, drop a comment and let me know what I should work on!

The story will really pick up next week. I'm so excited :-P

Here’s another code:

12-5-20 19 2-12-15-23 20-8-9-19 16-15-16-19-9-3-12-5 19-20-1-14-4

This is the last code with this cipher; the cipher will be changing next week!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
260 Reviews


Points: 15020
Reviews: 260

Donate
Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:30 pm
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Still an hour left of review day, so here's another review for you. Chapter six already!

Something I've noticed in the last couple of chapters is that occasionally you're a little inconsistent with your tenses. I think it's probably just a symptom of not paying attention, because it's only cropped up recently, but still something to keep an eye on. I wouldn't worry about it as you're writing, but make sure you check when you go back and read through before you post, or after you finish writing for the day.

As Carlito said, I think the hospital scene could have been a chapter in its own right. Basically felt the same as the Ms Whitson scene in Chapter 4, I believe. Just needs to be more in-depth and dangerous-feeling. It goes past a bit too quickly at the moment, and ended up making the chapter feel a bit chaotic. What you've got already just needs expanding on, which is something that would probably be best to do when you revise this at a later date.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this chapter. You've got a knack for dialogue, and now that there's more of it that your skill is apparent. That's definitely a standout in your writing, and it makes the characters so much more believable. In that respect, keep doing what you're doing.

The developments are all working really nicely, and as they say, the plot thickens. The suspense is fantastic, but you've also done a really good job of giving the reader just enough information at the right times so they don't feel like they're being swamped in mystery. I feel like you've got the art of answering questions with more questions rather down pat. The balance is just right, and I really want to know more, and I'm constantly wanting to know more, which means you're doing something right.

Having the songs mentioned is a nice touch. It's not vitally important to the plot or whatever, but I think it works well. Tells us a little about the characters, and adds another layer to the scene.

Nothing else to add. Another great chapter, and I'm so glad I started reading!




User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Sat Aug 29, 2015 5:13 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! Here as requested! I read the little description of each chapter in your portfolio, so I have a general idea of what's going on :)

Since you mentioned you'd like some specific feedback on characterization and pacing, I'll keep this fairly broad. If you'd like me to go back and do anything more specific, I'd be happy to do so!

I think you have a really interesting concept and idea here! Very creative :)

I think one big thing you can work on is slowing down. A lot of stuff happens in this chapter and it all happens pretty quickly. One thing I was taught is that you should be able to provide a one sentence summary of the main conflict of each chapter of your book. If you can't think of a sentence, that's a problem because not enough is happening. If you can't do it in one sentence, that's a problem because too much is happening. Now stylistically, some people simply write longer chapters than others and some chapters might have multiple different scenes in them. That's fine. Each scene should be able to follow the one-sentence summary "rule".

So let's break this down a little more with your chapter:
1. Your opening paragraph - I'm not convinced it's necessary. I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm not sure, but it sounds like a recap of information the reader already knows. I'm assuming that the DAMCOM has been mentioned and probably explained in a previous chapter. If that's the case, you don't need to re-state the info about it. If you described it well enough previously, the reader should remember.

2. Narrator gets message from Sparky about Sparky's roommate - You could slow this down by giving a lot more description. Description is your friend. It pulls the reader into the world, it helps the reader get to know your characters, and it makes everything more exciting to read. Specifically where can this happen?

I was scrolling through the forums when I saw a post that caught my eye.

Where is she? How long has she been on the forums? Why did she start checking them? What's going through her mind? What does she see before and how does this post catch her eye? What does it look like other than what it says?
You don't have to answer all of those, but that can get you thinking.

I sucked in a breath and opened up the topic.

I liked the description of what she does - but what's she feeling? What's going through her mind? Is she nervous to see what this is about? Excited? Apprehensive? Is she like "oh boy, here's another one...."?

Responses were streaming in. Sparky said that the last time they had talked to James was on Friday, when James was on the way to a doctor’s appointment.

Try to show us this instead of telling us. I think it would be more powerful that way. Paint a picture of what this looks like and what everyone does and what happens. Think of it as describing rather than reporting.

We chatted for a while and Sparky gave me that address of the nearest hospital to their campus. We lucked out; it’s only forty minutes away from where I live.

Same thing here. This all happens so quickly. I want to feel the suspense of the unknown right along the characters and I want to see the information that's gathered so I can start to make my own hypotheses about what's going on. That's what creates awesome mystery :) I want to be along for the ride right alongside all of the characters.

3. The narrator talks to Gavin about Sparky's problem and they realize they have more radio listeners than they thought - I thought this part was better. I thought the dialogue felt authentic (which can be hard to do!) and I liked that you didn't have talking heads. Meaning the characters talked but you interspersed action and other stuff between the dialogue so it felt like two real people were talking. The only description/detail I think you could add would be at the beginning:
“It’s weird,” says Gavin during study hall the next day when I show him the conversation.

You could describe the study hall a little more (unless you've done this in a previous chapter). How big is the room? How many people are in there? Is there a danger of being overheard? That type of thing.

4. The narrator talks to Alicia about the situation - this little scene was so short and I think it could be easily forgotten. Is it possible to include Alicia in the study hall conversation with Gavin? Or if she doesn't have study hall maybe it's a lunch conversation or something? That way they can all discuss it at once - the reader can see the interaction with all of them, and we don't have to spend as much time on the "talking about the problem and what to do about it" stage.

5. They actually carry out their hospital mission - personally, I would put this in a new chapter. I like the idea of having one chapter for discovering the problem and figuring out what they're going to do about it and then the next chapter is them actually doing it. But that's my style, so if you like having it as one big chapter, then that's fine. One thing I've realized though is that they never really make a plan. The narrator talks to Gavin and they end up talking about something different and then she talks to Alicia and tells her what they're going to do. But when was the plan actually made? When did she decide what she wanted to do? And we know how Alicia feels about it, but what about Gavin?
Detail wise:
Matt, Alicia, and I are on our way to the hospital.

You could expand this a little. Who is driving? Who knows where they're going? What supplies do they have? How are people feeling about this?

I thought this part was much more exciting to read than the other parts. You had a lot of good descriptions and I followed the sequence of events really well. I think you could expand it. I think you could add more suspense by making the trio try to rescue the girl or making them be pursued by the bad guys and make it a longer, intense, action thing. That would be fun to read. Then at the end of the chapter they could have a moment to catch their breath, figure out what just happened, the reader could get a sense of what's going through their minds or how they're feeling, and then Olivia could try to gather herself enough to tell Sparky what just happened. Right now the part about Olivia sending a message to Sparky feels kind of tacked on the end and I think it takes away from the excitement in the rest of the scene.

6. Their latest broadcast - I'm not sure how this moves the plot forward. It seems like a bit of a let down after the exciting hospital scene. You could make it a new chapter and expand it. Like one chapter for Sparky's problem and what they're going to do about it. One chapter for their hospital mission. Then one chapter for the aftermath of the mission - maybe this is when Olivia messages Sparky back and when they do their radio broadcast.

I wouldn't be afraid to break this up a bit more. Think about what you want to focus of each chapter to be and the things that aren't related to that either don't need to be there or can be in a different chapter. Then the things that add to the main focus, expand on them and make sure they're descriptive and emotive.

I'll try to say more about characterization in the next chapters once I get to know the characters a bit more :) I'll leave the pacing stuff there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! You have a really interesting idea here and I'm excited to read more!!




jumpingsheep says...


Thank you so much for this review Carlito! I'll work on adding those details you suggested expanding on.



User avatar
81 Reviews


Points: 3262
Reviews: 81

Donate
Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:00 pm
View Likes
Lael wrote a review...



This really is getting better. ;)

"Singularity: Okay, we’ll check out the scene. Sit tight. I’ll message you if we find anything.:" You accidentally put a colon after the period.

"“Novite official”." You put the period in the wrong place.

I have to say, the plot has improved a lot since the first few chapters. This was really exciting and mysterious, and I look forward to seeing where the Lone Voice team goes in this story. Keep it up! :)




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate

User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 210
Reviews: 53

Donate


“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women