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Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1-- Lone Voice Radio: Part I

by jumpingsheep


Saturday, October 24th—11:14 PM

I’m not scared of much.

Haunted houses? Heck, I cut through the cemetery last year after my friend’s Halloween party.

Scary movies? My goal is to watch all of the horror movies in IMDb’s top fifty.

The scrambled egg lunch at my school? I went back for seconds, mostly because I had ten dollars hinging on it.

Not even the Novites scare me. Yes, they staged a coup involving nearly every major world government, but so far the coup has had zero effect on me. It's like when the government has their shutdowns. Yeah, it seems bad, but how much does it really affect me in "Smalltown, U.S.A."?

The answer: Zilch.

However, despite all of these things that I’m not afraid of, there are still two things I won’t deal with:

1. Bugs. Or anything with too many legs

2. The dark.

Bugs freak me out. Everything about them, the way the walk, or twitch when you poke them, or the way they swarm…

They’re just nasty, vile, little creeps.

The dark is another fear all together.

Confession time: I still have a nightlight in my room.

I’m not sure why I’m so afraid of the dark, although it might have something to do with my parents’ interior decorating. My parents have this thing about statues. They love collecting statues. Unfortunately, in the dark, the statues have a menacing, serial killer quality about them. Especially the one of Ares, the Greek god, in our front hall. That dude looks downright lethal.

I guess I better get on with the story I came to tell. Today, I want to document the story of how the radio station came to be. I doubt anything will come of the station, but I’ll do anything to delay the start of the stack of homework next to me. So, why not procrastinate and tell a story?

It started yesterday. Matt was over my house to film a Spanish project and I was going through my basement to look for props for our skit.

Going into my basement is like venturing into a Mayan temple or something. It’s dark, has some water damage, and there may be snakes.

I went into the way back of the basement, where my mom stores all of my dead grandpa’s stuff that we haven’t got rid of. After sorting through mounds of rusted gardening tools, old newspapers, and linens, I found a large plastic bin labeled “Transmitters and Such”.

I had no idea what a transmitter was, but I cracked open the box and found it packed with old radio equipment, microphones, transmitters, soundboards, you name it.

“Matt” I called up the basement stairs, “Come look at this.”

Matt cautiously descended down the stairs; he got a nasty spider bite the last time he trekked down to my basement. I cringed as he pulled dusty spider webs out of his ruddy hair.

We both peered into the bin until Matt said “Forget Spanish, I want to see if this stuff works!”

An hour later, in my living room, we managed to hook up all of the components. I flicked the transmitter on and spoke into the microphone. “Yooooo… is anyone there?”

Matt laughed and turned on the AM radio that was in with the rest of the radio equipment. I continued to speak through the microphone and I could hear my voice bounce back through the radio. Matt leaned in and contributed some choice words to the blend of noise playing back through the radio.

In the end, we relocated all the equipment to my family’s RV, since we had no other place large enough to keep the equipment set up.

I don’t really know what we’re planning to do with this equipment, but Matt and I want to start our own underground radio show. I don’t know what our topic could be, although Matt and I do spend a lot of time discussing the Novite coup. We could easily talk about the Novites on this show. The Novites seem to be a hot topic these days, but people seem to be afraid to talk negatively about them. Maybe Matt and I will be the first to publicly question exactly what is going on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a little afraid to go forward with a project such as this. Can AM radio be traced?

I have to go do homework now, but I’ll explain more about Novites and stuff when I get a chance. History books may kill for this “primary source” someday, so I should report on the Novites.

Wednesday, October 28th—10:25 PM

Matt just texted me; he wants to do another radio broadcast Friday night. It looks like this is going to turn into a regular thing. I really hope we don’t get into trouble with this. In every film or television show I’ve seen that involves teens and underground radio stations, it never seems to turn out well for the teens.

Friday, October 30th—9:46 PM

We’re about to go on in 15 minutes. I’m trying to write out a script of some sort. I should have done this earlier.

9:55 PM

Screw this script. I’m adlibbing.

10:49 PM

We just finished up our first official broadcast. I ended up closing out with the song “Video Killed the Radio Star”. A nice, catchy, slightly ironic tune.

We decided to speak anonymously. I went by the code name “Singularity” and Matt went by “Ajax”. Don’t ask me why Matt picked Ajax. I’ve already started calling him “dish soap”.

“Dish soap, make sure you turn off the lights before you leave the RV!”

“Yeah, like Singularity is any better?! How about just ‘Single’?”

Classic Matt. Shooting for the low hanging fruit.

“Touché. But I wouldn’t be one to talk.”

Matt laughs and mounts his bike. “I’ll check our listener count when I get home. How does it feel to be teenage rebelling against a mysterious government organization?”

“Pretty cool, if they don’t come after us.”

We both laugh again, and I watch as Matt pedals away down the street.

Being a host on this radio show didn’t feel entirely cool, though. It felt like a whole heap of trouble.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N

Well there we have it, the first official chapter! Let me know what you guys think!

Also: If you’re bored and want to find out the title of the next chapter, decode this:

9-20 19 1 2-1-4 2-1-4 2-1-4 2-1-4 2-1-4 23-15-18-12-4


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Thu Oct 15, 2015 9:47 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Hey jumpingsheep! Finally made it to review your chapter here.

You've got a few reviews already, so I'll try to keep my review on this chapter from repeating what's already been said.

I think intriguing's a decent word to describe this chapter. The reader gets thrown into the characters' lives and I'm very curious to see where it goes. I like the casual way your protagonist slips in mentions of the Novites - it's done in a way that gives the reader info, but doesn't feel too tour-guide-here's-what-you-need-to-know-y.

You've got quite a strong sense of voice in your writing - it does feel like there is someone speaking, which I think is what you want. Especially since your story is, from the looks of things, being 'told' by the protagonist.

Which does lead me to my next point, which is that it is not entirely clear when the narrator is speaking on the radio, and when they aren't. That was an issue that started to present itself at the 'Wednesday' transmission, when before it seemed like the narration was part of the radio show, but then I wasn't so sure. Might be something to consider, whether you want to somehow differentiate between what is being said on the show and what is being said otherwise.

I like how the times split up the chapter a little. It had an interesting but cool effect on the pacing. So long as you don't do it too much, I think the single sentences/couple of sentences for a certain point in time is quite effective.

Occasionally your dialogue felt a little forced, but that's something that you'll probably improve on as you get to know the characters better and get a feel for how they talk. Just be careful not to be too... blunt, maybe? I felt the bit where Matt says "How does it feel to be teenage rebelling against a mysterious government organization?" it felt off, like you were trying to reinforce what was going on. I can kinda see how it was intended to be Matt making a joke, but it just kind of came through a little iffy. But at this stage, that's me nitpicking, and dialogue's the kind of thing that'll improve the more you write it, and can be improved with editing.

A really strong start, and I'm keen to see where you take this story! Any questions, let me know :)




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Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:11 pm
Lael wrote a review...



Hello, your story idea seems to have many possibilities. I wonder what you'll do with it. ;)

"After sorting through mounds of rusted gardening tools, old newspapers, and linens, I found a large plastic bin labeled “Transmitters and Such”." First, a comma would be good after "labeled." and I think that usually, you put the quotation mark after the period, even if it's not part of the label.

"We both peered into the bin until Matt said “Forget Spanish, I want to see if this stuff works!”" This also needs a comma after "said."

As for anything else, I'm sure the others have already gotten down other things, and that's really all I could find, grammar- and punctuation-wise. For the plot, some things could be changed to sound a little more realistic or help the reader to be engaged and feel what the character is feeling, because some of the time I felt a kind of monotonous feeling. Other than that, everything seems good. Keep up the good work! :)




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Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:05 pm
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Megrim wrote a review...



Hey there jumpingsheep, finally here to review as requested! I love the tone--there's a lot of voice to this piece. The first three lines were great. Very catchy, showing a lot of character. I had better note that I thought the MC was male until I saw your reply to another reviewer. Usually that's something you need to go out of your way to establish in the first chapter when writing in first person. Maybe Matt can refer to her by name at some point?

I suppose my biggest thought is that there's not a lot of tension. The only source of conflict, really, is the distant worry that the Novites might do "something" at "some point" if they keep up the radio broadcast. The actual events of the chapter are pretty normal-happy-daily-life. But first, sentence level thoughts...

Not even the Novites scare me. Yes, they staged a coup involving nearly every major world government, but so far the coup has had zero effect on me. It's like when the government has their shutdowns. Yeah, it seems bad, but how much does it really affect me in "Smalltown, U.S.A."?

I was a bit unsure about the age of the MC. The first three lines sounded like reasonably young (maybe 13-14?), and then we hit this and it sounds a lot older (17-18). I guess I wouldn't expect someone who would say "staged a coup" to also mention walking through a graveyard as a feat of bravery. To me, it came across as an inconsistent voice.

However, despite all of these things that I’m not afraid of, there are still two things I won’t deal with:

1. Bugs. Or anything with too many legs

2. The dark.

Bugs freak me out. Everything about them, the way the walk, or twitch when you poke them, or the way they swarm…

They’re just nasty, vile, little creeps.

The dark is another fear all together.

Confession time: I still have a nightlight in my room.

This is my least favourite section of the chapter, for various reasons. Firstly, I don't like the numbered list, because I feel it could quite easily and effectively be in a normal paragraph just fine. I also think it drags on a little, for a point that doesn't seem very important. Just as an example, not saying you should do this, this is how I might write that section:

"However, despite all that, there are still two things I can't handle. Bugs, and the dark. Bugs just freak me out--too many legs. The dark is another fear all together. I confess I still have a nightlight in my room."

I suppose my main issue with drawing all this attention to the bugs is that it seems a little... random and unrelated? What does that have to do with anything else in the chapter? It's kind of a spur-of-the-moment thought that we then abandon and move on from, like listening to someone's chattering internal monologue as they go about their day. The problem with this is that this isn't strictly a window into someone's thoughts, it's also your first chapter and your one chance to engage the reader and make them unable to put the book down. So early in the story, every word is really, really weighty, compared to later on. Consider words as having a value or cost. Spend them on things that are crucial. Wasting time on an unrelated train of thought is too "expensive," at a time when you need to wow us with the setting, thrill us with the looming plot, and make us fall in love with the POV character.

I guess I better get on with the story I came to tell. Today, I want to document the story of how the radio station came to be.

To be honest, this pretty much killed my interest. And if that didn't, the next two sentences about procrastinating on homework sealed the deal. What started out as an intriguing, voice-filled opening just turned into a promise to tell us what sounds like a pretty boring story. I was keen to learn about this cool character, and I loved the stuff about the dark and the statue collection. But I think the narrative fell on its face here. Why do I care about some radio station, let alone how it came to be? Why do I want to listen to him tell a story out of boredom and procrastination? You're competing for my attention here, and I'd really rather go back to reading about the epic race to find the Second Foundation on the other end of the galaxy against an [spoiler redacted - that was close, silly me!] mutant superlord, than about "how the radio station came to be."

Which all gets back to what I was saying about not enough tension. There need to be stakes. Okay, I guess there are sort of stakes--the Novites will probably not be happy about this after too long. But there's no immediate stakes, and in lieu of that, there's not even any conflict in the scene. At most there's a sense of unease. We don't have friction, anxiety, difficult decisions, tragic circumstances, longing desires, big obstacles, or really any obvious life-changing moment. I've read advice that says you should start the story as late as possible, or start it AT the life-changing moment, and I tend to agree. It may be that you've started too soon, before anything interesting happens--I expect the life-changing moment is going to be when the Novites take notice. If it were me, I might start the story in the middle of the broadcast that does it. Don't worry about needing too much set-up before you set the ball rolling, as backstory is quite easily implied by context.

Alternatively, you could inject some side tension or subplots or something, eg something in the dynamic between the MC and Matt, or some other part of daily life, that provides a little bit of conflict and tension to tie us over until The Plot gets going. Or perhaps some indications of why the Novites are scary. What have they done to other dissenters? Are there heads mounted on poles lining the streets or something? Or is it a more sinister, 1984 style disappearing of people out of existence? (<-- that one is a bit old and tired, imo)

Despite all that, the actual prose was pleasant to read. Like I said, on a sentence level, the amount of voice and personality made the writing engaging and fun. Hopefully it won't take me so long to get to the other chapters! Thanks for sharing and happy writing!




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Mon Jul 06, 2015 8:09 pm
LordofLit101 wrote a review...



It's a bad bad bad world

Boom! I decoded it! Anyway, Hello, jumpingsheep, LordofLit here for a review!

This is quite the intriguing piece, many historical references here, I managed to spot or figure out:

Ancient Greece
Soviet Russia
German occupied France (World War 2)

This combination indicates clearly to me that this is a very well written piece, and as far as I can tell I could find no mistakes, so very well done! The way you managed to hide these historical references within the text is a very good notion, or were they placed in the chapter by accident? I can tell that you must have very high English and History grades, as well as very good problem solving skills!

I am very interested in where this story is going, and I can't wait for more chapters! Keep this standard of writing up!

LordofLit101




jumpingsheep says...


Yay you decoded it! Thanks for the review! The historical allusions were both accidental and on purpose :)



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Fri Jul 03, 2015 10:35 pm
MacOitir wrote a review...



I don't have much constructive to say, but I like your casual style and your concept. I think the idea of the Novites is good, it's relevant and plays on our fears (especially given the current in the middle east). I already want to know more.
The thing I noticed is you haven't given your narrators gender. Maybe your just not saying yet (or I missed it). It's not major but just in case you didn't notice.
I also noticed more than one reference to Ancient Greece. Part of the plot or just a nod?




jumpingsheep says...


Thanks for the review! The main character is a female, although you're right in that I never really explicitly stated that, something I didn't notice I didn't do... I'll clear that up in the next chapter!
And I never even noticed all the references to Ancient Greece! I see them all now though hahaha



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Fri Jul 03, 2015 9:00 pm
Merkava120 wrote a review...



Merkava here! I'll jump right into it.

I like the character you've created. She knows a lot about the Novites, she knows it's vitally important for her to record the history of it, she knows she might be killed - but she doesn't really care that much.

I also like how much detail there is. Adding in little snippets about a Spanish project and IMDb and things like that makes it seem that much more real.

There's only one minor issue...

However, despite all of these things that I’m not afraid of, there are still two things I won’t do:

1. Bugs. Or anything with too many legs

2. The dark.


She won't "do" bugs? or the dark?
Maybe you could replace the "do" with "deal with".

And, I don't think the "Or anything with too many legs" is necessary. But that's not really a big thing.

Lastly, to talk about the tone.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I love the tone, or hate it. It draws the reader in, it's refreshing, it's realistic for a teenager writing a journal...something bugs me about it, but as long as you don't keep it so non-serious when the story gets really tense (which it will, I hope) it will work well, I think.

All in all, I'm intrigued. Can't wait for the next few chapters.




jumpingsheep says...


Thanks Merkava! I'll fix that bit about the bugs, "deal with" does sound much better :)
And the tone will get more serious as the story progresses and things escalate :P
Thank you so much for the review, I really appreciate it!




A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown