If I
Could go back
And find my star years before,
Would this be different
If it was before?
.
What's the point?
We're both dying
I can count our mouths on a hand.
.
If we met
Two years before
Would this be different?
.
What does it mean?
If we insist on time-bomb love?
Is it even love?
Will any of this matter?
.
Because it's real and we feel and we both know (or maybe you do or don't) that this is the last shot the last chance we have this is our summer and the fall is coming and are you ready for the fall?
.
Because we are the heroes of this narrative and we're dragging each other along like it or not I was there in the dark and you were there in the light if we are the heroes and each hero must fall when will our Reichenbach come?
.
Would it be different?
.
Do we pocket our stars in the grave? Do they decompose with time, their lights dimming with grime, or do they shine brighter in a locked coffin?
.
If twenty years post-mortem
We meet in a coffee shop
In cities galaxies away
Will it be different?
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140,121 Literary Works • 673,028 Reviews
This is a truly great poem and I enjoyed reading it. Your style, word choice and moments when you use imagery of the stars and galaxies are amazing.
"Do we pocket our stars in the grave? Do they decompose with time, their lights dimming with grime, or do they shine brighter in a locked coffin?"
I am in love with this part. Your wording and contrasting elements of stars and death go together so well. I seriously can't think of anything wrong with this poem. It's amazing, magical, packed full of emotion and uniquely your own.
"Time-bomb love." Is yet another great phrase in a poem that has so many.
You are a very talented writer and can express your feelings in such an original way. Love it.
Hey! I really liked this poem, and the first verse had me drawn in. I love thoughtful poems like this, and I think it has a lot of deep meaning and deserves more praise. To me, it's quite abstract, which I like, because then it can relate to people in lots of different ways . . . it doesn't have just one set meaning. This is the first poem I've read of yours, and I really liked it, so I think I'll try some more.
Well done!
Hi jumpingsheep, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
just for instance. I'm just saying that a title were you read it and say "that's nice" is okay, but when you see it again in the poem, it just makes it more impactful.Title: I think that the title Broken Clock doesn't really tie in with your poem as nicely as it could. I'm not saying that it doesn't work with the poem. I'm just saying that you could make it go a bit better, maybe take a line out of the poem like
Description: The description in some places of your poem was really nice like , but I do feel like you could add a bit more here and there.
Rhythm: I liked the sharp, short lines in the beginning of the poem and how it read really quickly and almost gave a sense of urgency. Then later on you have these really, really long lines. Now I read what thecolorofthesky said about how she liked the long lines, but personally I didn't like them. I found that they broke up the flow of the poem and felt tedious to read. This is just my opinion though.
Grammar and Punctuation: I can't see any grammar mistakes, but I do think you could do with more punctuation. Since I'm terrible at helping with punctuation, here's a article that should help.
Overall this was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Love never comes at convenient times and is an entirely different matter when it comes to being able to roll with it and nurture it. As you wrote, would everything happen the same if someone fell in love again? Would they even fall in love? Ending the poem on a cliff hanger/question was a great way to make readers keep thinking, and it wasn't one of those questions that takes about the same amount of time as it would take to yawn. It was thought provoking, which led me to wanting to see what else you could write because I have a feeling that you could turn that question into a story all on its own. You have talent, so keep writing.
This poem is really from your heart, and I think the best poems are the ones that define what you are going through at the time. It's not always easy writing out your feelings and then letting other people critic your work. I know from experience that sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. Here are just a few pointers for you:
First, there were a few lines I didn't quite understand, for instance:
"I can count our mouths on hand"
I'm not sure I understand what your getting at her or if it is just a mistake. Also I agree with thecolorofthesky, you have a bit too many rhetorical questions. just condense them or make them into sentences and it would work.
All in all you havestarted out really well
happy writing!
Hi there! I have a review for you. To start this poem is a lovely piece with great ideas. I think a little more punctuation would be nice. There were a few of the shorter parts that could use a comma and/or period. The length variation is in my opinion very nice. I read the longer parts faster and the short questions after had a great emphasis. One of my favorite things in poems (or writing in general) is when a idea or object comes full circle. You started with stars and ended with stars, making the ending very satisfying. I do however think you may use too many questions. I understand how the large amount of questions tie onto the theme, but I feel it may need a description or two to break it in the longer sections. I also enjoy how you address each tense. It makes it seem infinite. I really enjoyed this work!
-thecolorofthesky