Lead feet tramp to a deadened beat
Weary minds wait for much needed sleep.
Backs hunched, shoulders dow’
To the State, heads all bow.
-
A smoky haze fills the air
“Revolution will come,”
Dark knights swear.
Not enough moments in every week.
Souls lament over a lost antique.
-
Echoes of folk songs off cinderblock walls
Traces of stories in the narrow halls.
On the floor, trophies all smashed
Books banned in a seismic blast.
-
Eyes averted from the blood-red sky
This is where children say goodbye
This is where dreamers come to die.
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Hello there Whatgoescomes here! Okay this may sound rude but without the title this poem would be just a lot of pretty verses with no connection at all. Which is not bad but maybe you want to find a place to make it tie together a bit more? I like the last two stanzus (I can't spell sorry) 'This is where children say goodbye This is where dreamers come to die. This is really powerful when you take in account what you are trying to portray. Sorry I know you said it was a quick write, so this is probably a bit more then you waaaaanted. Hopfully it helps you in some way. Keep writing Jumpingsheep!
Hi!
So, when we hear the word dystopia we think of a world that is on the brink of destruction. We think of something like the Divergent Trilogy or the Hunger Games. But, I also believe that a dystopian world is created in the mind of the author – it is not limited to what other people perceive it to be.
One thing I liked about your poem is the fact that you used nearly all the common dystopia settings and traits and made it into your own. It makes me wonder if you actually created this for a target audience.
The way you were able to weave a story so intricately through only a couple of stanzas amaze me.
Honestly, I enjoyed this too much to actually see its flaws. The more I re-read it, the more I realize it sounds like a synopsis of a dystopian thriller. And if you make it into such, I would definitely read it.
Keep up the good work! Happy writing!