Young Writers Society

Shey here to do a review!

I liked this story, and while I can't really relate, I got the message. The only grammatical error that immediately stuck out to me was

Among renegades that aren't at all afraid at all to be alive.

The repeated "at all" was odd, and I think you should remove one. I don't know if it was intentional, and if it was I can't figure out why, but personally I felt that it took away a bit from the story since it was kinda akward. Personal opinion, though.

Another thing which I felt was kinda odd was the overly descriptive formality. The story was in first person, but this person doesn't seem like the type to speak so formally. Obviously don't be lacking description, but also don't be afraid to use some improper contractions like ain't or something like that, and maybe not use some descriptive words. For instance, a "renegade" might not be so willing to describe the radio as staticky (nice word by the way, I've never seen someone really describe a radio before so it was cool).

Overall, awesome poem, and keep writing! I enjoyed it a lot, and I definitely intend to read more of your works!

This is Kaos here for a review!

We’re driving too fast

Flying with the pine trees that line the road

And the stars

Pushing eighty

On an empty asphalt plane

In this first stanza, it feels like you're going a little quickly with the imagery. The pace is fact and changes quickly, which disappoints me, because the imagery in this stanza would have been better if you went ahead and let it develop more, instead of picking things up, describing them, and then going on to the next thing. It's almost confusing for the reader without having some sort of context clues to what you're talking about.

Lights ahead, car number two

A phantom in the misty air

Toto’s Africa plays over a staticky radio station

We roll down the windows and let the night in

I’ve never seen a highway so empty

Car number two soars and races beside us

They blast the same song

We bless the rain

And we both scream poetry out and up to the moon

Letting the breeze rip our words away

And carry them years beyond

The flow of this stanza is weaker than the last, as it jumps from things to thing, but in a longer length. Some of the lines in this poem don't go along with each other, or it feels like you're changing topic or imagery too often. One line you're talking about a song, and the next you're onto blessing the rain. What I do have to say, is that this poem really rips some emotions out of me and has a great sense of atmosphere, almost like the reader can feel what was meant to be felt. I rarely say this much about a poem, but I was really surprised by how pretty this was. What I do think could help the poem is fixing the flow of this poem and the pacing.

Salmon’s glasses reflect white street lights

and

Margo’s phone captures a blurry memory overlaid with text

and

William’s hair dances in the wind

and

Naomi’s head pokes through the open moon roof

and

Damon’s hand is holding mine.

This felt sort of like a mess compared to the other stanzas, but it worked. I think that it starts to get a little repetitive, but I thought it was fine as it was except for the imagery, which feels a little weaker and some of it doesn't make sense like "open moon roof" or anything of that sort. I found that kind of thing often in this poem, but it didn't really bother me other than that it just felt a little inaccurate.

And there we are, on a summer night in two-oh-one-four

Speeding and singing with strangers opposite us

On the loneliest highway in the world

Among renegades that aren’t at all afraid at all to be alive.

I like the first line and the last two, but the second felt a bit repetitive with what it was trying to say. The poem ends kind of as it would have been expected to, but it's still pretty.

Sorry that I didn't have much critique on this poem, but I really did enjoy it fully, which is really rare for me. I hope this helped and have a great day!